Things I Learned from Movies, Part V

  1. Whenever magic is being performed for the first time, black clouds instantly roll in.
  2. If a cop or some para-military soldier pokes at his own eyes, then forwards twice in the air, trouble is coming.
  3. Giants and large dinosaurs move in slow motion. Small dinosaurs move with lightning speed.
  4. In real life, putting up your open palm signals someone to stop. In the movies, this is how Native Americans greet each other.
  5. In real life, putting up your closed fist means Black Power. In the movies, this is how Ninjas signal each other to stop.
  6. Women have always worn thongs, even in the Renaissance.
  7. The first time a werewolf transforms, it will take up an entire chapter on a DVD and involve painful screaming. Subsequent transformations take only seconds and are painless.
  8. If a sea monster is large enough to eat your ship, it will.
  9. Giant snakes will feed 6-10 times a day, every day, rather than resting a month between meals.
  10. All Eastern European grandfathers hunted witches. All Eastern European grandmothers are witches.

22 Replies to “Things I Learned from Movies, Part V”

  1. All computers in movies make idiot sounds whenever a key is pressed, and especially if data is being processed. Most computers are now voice controlled. “Computer, run an analysis on this borkified bogometer to correlated its truthiness”

  2. Fashion designers come in three flavors: bitchy, gay, or bitchy gay
    Every magazine editor looks like Elvis Costello
    Nude figure drawing/painting always lead to sex

  3. Evil sci-fi antogonists are usually British…or aliens raised with British accents

    Whatever car a hero drives at any time will have an indestructable suspension; likewise, the same car driven by the bad guys will not have this option…

    In a post-apocalyptic world, public utilities will still function normally (exception: traffic lights)

  4. You will believe a man can fly!

    All battle scenes are preceded by music like ‘Flight of the Valkyries’

    All women in movies are pretty, no matter what, they always transform into the object of the hero’s desire and wouldn’t you know it, she was there all the time.

    Action scenes where a hero is falling 70 stories whilst punching out a bad guy, shooting 12 standing on the balcony where he fell/jumped are done in slow motion to show us mere mortals how fast a real hero thinks.

  5. heros can avoid newtonian physics and freefall faster than other men by simply tucking their arms in like a bullet. this is how they catch those stupid babes that always seem to trip on their pradas and fall off luxurious balcony windows.
    :geek:

  6. everyone thatuses a computer types at 120 words a minute
    all computers work at lighning speed and never slow down
    no one uses washrooms
    all guns never need reloading
    everything happens where you can see all of the action
    noone ever shows 200 lb plus women in thongs ( thankfully )

  7. The Three-Second Dull Activity Rule.
    It should never take more than three seconds to:

    Untie someone – fully recover after been administered an antidote – hotwire a car – kick in a door – look a person or a company up in a thick directory – find a book in a library or a safe in an office – reload a gun – find another way to get inside – dig up a coffin – focus binoculars/ a telescope – develop a photo in a dark room – find a vine that’s suitable for swinging – get served by a barman – guess a password – change into an unconscious henchman’s uniform.

  8. After having a bad dream, a person will sit straight up in bed and breathe heavily in fear.

    Everyone will believe you, even your idiot parents, if you feign illness to stay home from school (a la Ferris Bueller).

    Staying in an empty haunted hotel with no alcohol, will make you go crazy and want to kill your family.

    Any near-death experience will give you psychic abilities.

  9. [quote comment=”524492″]After having a bad dream, a person will sit straight up in bed and breathe heavily in fear.

    Everyone will believe you, even your idiot parents, if you feign illness to stay home from school (a la Ferris Bueller).

    Staying in an empty haunted hotel with no alcohol, will make you go crazy and want to kill your family.

    Any near-death experience will give you psychic abilities.[/quote]
    Staying anywhere with MY family without booze would make me go crazy and kill them.

  10. quote: After having a bad dream, a person will sit straight up in bed and breathe heavily in fear.

    And the bad dream will come true.

  11. you will have a endless supply of magazine clips strapped to your leg and or belt to reload and you wont ever have to look when reloading.

  12. …can’t member if these have been said before……

    -every time we scream in our heads or out loud to the t.v. “DON’T FUCKING GO IN THERE”. they go in an get kilt.
    -every time there is a running chase with a chick she always falls down and hinders the escape.
    -someone always knows how to fly a helicopter or plane or manipulate a crane or drive an 18 wheeler at just the right time. like dozer just downloaded the knowledge into their matrix brain plug.
    -mila, angelina et al can kill 40 zombies/stone temple statues etc. and their hair and make-up will be perfect. there will only be the slightest mist of sweat on a gently heaving breast.
    -the bad guy always knows immediately where the person went to hide.
    -usually a guy can take 15 punches to the head and 10 to the stomach and he’s still conscious either that or 1 punch knocks him out.
    -no cell phone service when really necessary…..wait…..that’s real life.

  13. No one ever spends 10 -15 minutes looking for their damn car keys or reading glasses either for that matter… 😯

  14. Aaaaah, we’re all just a bunch of frickin’ whiners cause WE don’t live in the movie world like the pretty people do. Be grateful for what you have.
    HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL YOU ZILLAFREAKS! 😆

  15. [quote comment=”524616″]If you stalk your ex, you will get them back. Either that or you’ll end up with someone better who is way out of your league.[/quote]
    hhmmmm! 💡 OK, but you gotta promise…. cross your heart…. coz i can only trade upwards, man, knaamean?

  16. [quote comment=”525639″][quote comment=”524616″]If you stalk your ex, you will get them back. Either that or you’ll end up with someone better who is way out of your league.[/quote]
    hhmmmm! 💡 OK, but you gotta promise…. cross your heart…. coz i can only trade upwards, man, knaamean?[/quote]

    Any trade for a Zilladude or Zilladudess is always a trade up.

  17. Haha. I like this list. Of course, I can’t help but say it, movies would be incredibly boring and nobody would watch them if they depicted life as it actually is. We are alive to experience real life…movies are to entertain us.

  18. Discs work in EVERY computer…
    Passwords can be hacked in 3 seconds…
    Sex scenes always happen 40 minutes any 1 1/2 to 2 hour film
    Heros are amazing snipers while heels cannot hit a barn with an Uzi from ten feet away
    If the hero gets into a car crash, the windshield will never quite shatter, or it will mysteriously fix itself once the car turns the corner…
    Blood never dries on anyone’s face…it remains a pristine red
    Any sharp knife wielded by a heel only mortally wounds teenagers, while knives wielded by teenagers will lop off a head instantly…

  19. If a car in a car chase is ten years old you will watch it crash. If the car is new and/or expensive, it will zoom out of frame, you’ll only hear it crash, then you’ll see wreckage that is supposed to be that car.

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