Things I Learned from Movies, Part III

  1. Bullets from heroes kill with one shot and in less than a second. Bullets from criminals maim, but if they do kill, it takes longer.
  2. Virginity protects you from serial killers.
  3. It only takes two people to turn a two ton fallen tree into a massive booby trap that operates by pulling a tiny wooden shim.
  4. Heroes’ handguns fire 70 shots and never miss. Criminals’ handguns fire six shots of questionable accuracy. They also ricochet more often than heroes.
  5. Heroes simply bleed less than criminals, who tend to bleed in arterial spray patterns resembling a Jackson Pollock painting.
  6. The first hot woman to appear onscreen in any spy movie is the double agent.
  7. All cars will explode into fireballs when rolling over a cliff or hill. It’s simple physics.
  8. Spaceships make lots of noise, despite the vacuum of space.
  9. Heat-seeking missiles turn on a dime. They’re more nimble in the air than a Ruby-Throated Hummingbird.
  10. What have you learned from movies?

52 Replies to “Things I Learned from Movies, Part III”

  1. oo first um its got to be something profound…..nope nothing.

    ok since nothing profound…all cars have more hubcaps then tires

  2. Not to sure about #4? Sometimes the hero only has half a clip and bad guys have unlimited rounds. It does not matter, the good guy will kill ten bad guys with five rounds while the bad guys will unload enough lead to shield a reactor yet not hit anything. If the bad guys do hit something it is usually another bad guy. Also, after the hero has wiped out a platoon of evil dudes how come the last bad man does not take the hint, write it off, call it a day, head home, and have a cold one? I say let the evil ringleader take the brunt. How much do goons get paid anyway? Is the payment package really worth going up against Chuck Norris?

  3. It is useless to run when being chased by a psychopathic serial killer. No matter how fast you run or in which direction, the killer can keep up easily by simply walking at a calm and relaxed pace.

    Being the first to show your :boob: :boob: in a movie will usually get you killed.

    Apparently the best way to escape someone chasing you with a car or truck is to run directly down the middle of the street for a while.

    Thin walkway railings are surprisingly easy to hit with bullets.

    Almost every dark and creepy house has a cat hiding in a very dark and unusual place. Like the top shelf of a closet, the attic, or in a basement cabinet. These cats must have powers similar to Dave’s cat in order to shut themselves in rooms like that.

  4. There is always/ a parking spot for the star/hero of a movie, they never have to circle looking for a parking space.

    Women in movies are enthralled with things men say.

    The hero/star always makes their flight/train/bus.

  5. The digital clock on the bomb will stop with somewhere between 1 and 10 seconds left on it.

    For some weird reason, women always get out of bed holding the sheets to their breasts. This despite having spent the night naked with the guy that’s in the room.

    It’s really easy to push a guy off his motorbike and commandeer it.

    Black partners are there to be murdered in the first scene and avenged during the rest of the film.

    People always have the perfect change to tip bellboys.

    In futuristic movies, the villain usually has the technology to go into hyperspace – time travel – build a doomsday device – breed killer clones – construct a mind reading machine or shrink things to a microscopic size. Yet he doesn’t have the fairly basic technology to fix his missing eye, get rid of that scar on his face, not have to use a wheelchair or work on that lousy accent/ awful speech defect.

    You can shoot someone at their office desk without the noise alarming anyone else in the building.

    Choking someone to death takes about 15 seconds but a hero can stay underwater for up to 5 minutes.

    If you stand by your open school locker, the girl you have a crush on (but who is way out of your league) will come up to you or walk by you. If you crouch down by your school locker, bullies will appear behind you.

  6. * there’s only one “prime female”; the hero is either single or widowed and is ready to take uto himself a wife; the PF also thinks he is the “cat’s meow”; but there any where from 1 to 3 other males who want her, will fight the hero for her, and may sway her (easily) won heart unto themselves (but they are not deserving of her as our hero)

    * that only men hung to the specific needs of the females in the movie are cast.

    * everything in the ages past was referred to as the great this and the great that.

    * that it is hard to express yourself in audible complete sentences that make sense and that can get you out of trouble without causing too much heartache to the one you love, but eventually after massive distraction and blood shed, she will understand you were not at fault and give you her undying love

    * that an exploding truck falling off a cliff into deep waters will not kill the hero, but one blow is all it takes to kill the goons that come with the villein

    * that when the helicopter shows up (blowing dust, making all kinds of loud noise and all) the bad guy will not hear it until they are meters away from it or it has stared firing at them

    * if you are the hero all you need to do to escape the scorching heat, the shrapnel and the harmful radiation from the massive explosion is dive to the ground in slow motion. But hero be ware! you might get a well placed cut somewhere on your face that only further enhances your looks.

    * that a phone, smashed to pieces, in the hands of the hero is a perfect communication device (yet i am already having problems with my two-week-old first-user Motorola cell phone)

  7. Things I’ve learned from the movies:
    – Tom Cruise can’t act
    – Keanu Reeves can’t act
    – Nicole Kidman can’t act
    – Rob Schneider can’t act
    – Ben Stiller can’t act
    – Kevin Costner can’t act
    – Nicolas Cage can’t act

    And they’ll all make more money on their next project than I’ll ever see in my entire lifetime.

  8. Police chiefs, captains, and comissioners are Black. Also judges and army generals. All the bad guys are now Arab or Eastern European. Computers work faster than the speed of light. Oh yes, when the hero calls 911 they always get put on hold!!!! Obama would be like the tenth black president of the U.S.A .

  9. Oh yeah, ALL horror flicks have a REALLY great screamer. Adreanne Barbeau, where are you ? 😉

  10. [quote comment=”422533″]*Unto[/quote]

    Excuse me? You included Nicole and Nick, but failed to include Katie (Cruise) and Ben Afflack-o-talent?

  11. [quote comment=”422542″]WTF! Thought I was talking to StevieC![/quote]

    ‘sokay, I heard you anyway. I could make the list longer but I just wanted to get a discussion going on the topic. Other ones that come to mind are anyone with the last name Baldwin, Affleck, or Douglas.

    Some other things that I’ve learned:
    – any password can be hacked in three attempts or less
    – nobody ever says “goodbye” before they hang up the phone

  12. No one ever has to use the washroom
    no house has a junk room
    no one awakes with jungle mouth so bad that the hero refuses to kiss the heroine
    when is the last time that you saw someone dail the wrong number or not be able to get on the internet because it was so slow

  13. There is always one more bullet.

    All women are moaner’s and have great sex in movies.

    All cars/vehicles start in the movies.

  14. David Caruso can’t act either. That stiff has two emotions- take the glasses off; put the glasses on!
    Aaaah, Adrienne Barboobs, queen of my teen cream dreams. What a rack!
    In sci-fi movies, the guy in the off-colored space suit is ALWAYS the first one to get killed.

  15. If you’ve seen the trailer, you’ve seen pretty much all the good parts… and to wait until it comes out on DVD if I have even a modicum of interest in it.

    [quote comment=”422546″] Spud proclaimed that…
    All women are moaner’s and have great sex in movies.quote]

    It’s not just in the movies baby! 😛

  16. Villains love to color coordinate their bomb wirings.

    Marshal art are useless if you are not the main character.

    Gun and bullets are the answer to everything. Door locked? shoot the lock! need something to explode? shoot that drum/car. Need to break a computer? shoot the monitor! bad guys aren’t talking? shoot his leg!

    Bullets are useless if the movie contain any one of following: a evil robots. A ghost. a monstrous size animal. a natural disaster.

    Foreigners or immigrants are survivor or witnesses. foreigners #1 will aways be dead for one reason or another, foreigners #2 will alway be trembling in a corner blabing something unintelligible (even after translation).

    Space aliens are human linguistics experts. If they land on Pakistan they will speak Punjabi. If an alien is in England they will not speak with an American accent.

    There are three reasons to come to come to earth. To conquer Earth, To destroy Earth, or to bring family closer together.

    virus or sickness could wipe-out the alien race, not the other way around.

  17. People (good or bad) who run out of bullets will always just throw the gun away

    Dogs hate bad guys

    If your car breaks down on the highway at night, you’re dead

  18. [quote comment=”422531″]The digital clock on the bomb will stop with somewhere between 1 and 10 seconds left on it.

    For some weird reason, women always get out of bed holding the sheets to their breasts. This despite having spent the night naked with the guy that’s in the room.

    It’s really easy to push a guy off his motorbike and commandeer it.

    Black partners are there to be murdered in the first scene and avenged during the rest of the film.

    People always have the perfect change to tip bellboys.

    In futuristic movies, the villain usually has the technology to go into hyperspace – time travel – build a doomsday device – breed killer clones – construct a mind reading machine or shrink things to a microscopic size. Yet he doesn’t have the fairly basic technology to fix his missing eye, get rid of that scar on his face, not have to use a wheelchair or work on that lousy accent/ awful speech defect.

    You can shoot someone at their office desk without the noise alarming anyone else in the building.

    Choking someone to death takes about 15 seconds but a hero can stay underwater for up to 5 minutes.

    If you stand by your open school locker, the girl you have a crush on (but who is way out of your league) will come up to you or walk by you. If you crouch down by your school locker, bullies will appear behind you.[/quote]

    I love the thing about the sheets over the boobs, very funny!! Also, when the guy jumps out of bed he has his boxers on. I like to sleep “in the raw” regardless.

    As for staying underwater for 5 Min. they are also blowing bubbles. One would think they would haold that ait in?

  19. You can walk immediately into the elevator of the Empire State Building late at night and go to the observation deck without paying a fee or standing in line (see Sleepless in Seattle).

  20. Why are alien beings always stronger than humans, able to pick somebody up over (its) head with one appendage?
    Why do they want to impregnate human females? Why not males? or even cats?
    Why do hermetically sealed doors open with a “whooosh” — I’ve never seen that in real life.
    Why, when shot with normal handgun bullets, do helicopters always get hit in the fuel line?
    Why can’t Will Ferrell or AH-nold act?
    Why oh why did Paramount make Star Trek V and let SHATNER direct?

  21. Plumbers get to have sex with all their hot female customers.
    Pool cleaners get to have sex with all their hot female customers.
    Furnace repairmen get to have sex with all their hot female customers.
    Pizza delivery guys get to have sex with all their hot female customers.
    Door to door vacuum cleaner salesmen get to have sex with all their hot female customers.
    Psychiatrists get to have sex with all their hot female customers.
    Hospital patients get to have sex with all their hot female nurses.
    Electricians get to have sex with all their hot female customers.
    Exterminators get to have sex with all their hot female customers.
    Hot female customers are sluts.

  22. Multiple villans always wait their turn to beat the crap out of the hero. The hero rarely needs more than one punch to knock out a villian- if the villian is one of many.(i.e.–Kill Bill)

  23. [quote comment=”422549″]If you’ve seen the trailer, you’ve seen pretty much all the good parts… and to wait until it comes out on DVD if I have even a modicum of interest in it.

    [quote comment=”422546″] Spud proclaimed that…
    All women are moaner’s and have great sex in movies.quote]

    It’s not just in the movies baby!

    :P[/quote]

    Oh yes? did I just hear my heart skip a beat?

    [quote comment=”422550″]Whenever a man and a woman exchange witty repartee, they immediately have sex with each other.[/quote]

    Done! 😀

    [quote comment=”422566″]Plumbers get to have sex with all their hot female customers.
    [/quote]

    Who told you that? 😳

  24. [quote comment=”422566″]Plumbers get to have sex with all their hot female customers.
    Pool cleaners get to have sex with all their hot female customers.
    Furnace repairmen get to have sex with all their hot female customers.
    Pizza delivery guys get to have sex with all their hot female customers.
    Door to door vacuum cleaner salesmen get to have sex with all their hot female customers.
    Psychiatrists get to have sex with all their hot female customers.
    Hospital patients get to have sex with all their hot female nurses.
    Electricians get to have sex with all their hot female customers.
    Exterminators get to have sex with all their hot female customers.
    Hot female customers are sluts.[/quote]
    let me guess, you were one of the hospital patients weren’t you?

  25. [quote comment=”423123″]Imperial Storm Troopers are, hands down, the worst shots in the known universe.[/quote]
    play Battlefront 2 and then say that again

  26. If it’s Monte Python, you never get the Holy Grail

    If your a male virgin, try to get laid before your time to die.

    Suction cup missiles stick to castle walls.

    Some dolphins know what the color blue tastes like.
    Sorry the last two are from Hudson Hawk (Bruce Willis movie, hilarious).

    Be in a Wizard of Oz remake, you might get the lucky munchkin role of flipping off the camera while everyone else dances. 😉

    Don’t try reading what the tattoo says while the girl is “sitting” on the plumber’s lap. 😕

    Don’t shoot the door while your in the trash dump on the Death Star.

    Don’t cut off thousands of diseased British people from the rest of England, the virus will find a way over the wall.

  27. The quirky kids are way cooler than the popular crowd at school.

    There’s always at least one corrupt cop.

    Expect to be duped at the end of an M. Night Shyamalan movie.

    Breaking into song and dance is perfectly natural everywhere you go.

  28. Dave, I am most saddened that you have not taken the blog space up to announce that it’s International Talk Like A Pirate Day. Shame! 😥

  29. [quote comment=”424883″]Dave, I am most saddened that you have not taken the blog space up to announce that it’s International Talk Like A Pirate Day. Shame! :cry:[/quote]
    Oh, but I did! Look at the Twitter feed in the right column on the homepage. Arrrrr! 😈

  30. [quote comment=”424884″][quote comment=”424883″]Dave, I am most saddened that you have not taken the blog space up to announce that it’s International Talk Like A Pirate Day. Shame! :cry:[/quote]
    Oh, but I did! Look at the Twitter feed in the right column on the homepage. Arrrrr! :twisted:[/quote]

    Crap, I forgot! All day I could’ve talked like a pirate and didn’t get to. Arrrr, that sucks! 🙁

  31. After the first Away Team have beamed down and vanished mysteriously, the second Away Team (you know, the one with all the people in charge in) will beam down to exactly the same spot.

    Heroes only get shot in the shoulder – not incapacitating like a blown knee-cap, or a gut or lung shot.

    You just never want to be a female in the movies. Ever. Life sucks. Even when you are in Terminator kicking the shit out of things, life still sucks.

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