The Fifth Circle of Hell

CANTO XIII: In most of the United States, when it’s time to renew your driver’s license, or get new tabs for your plates, you might go to the DMV (Dept. of Motor Vehicles). Not so in Michigan. We go to the Secretary of State—known to Dante Alighieri as the Fifth Circle of Hell. It is here that Phlegyas ushers wayward travelers to their rightful place: waiting in line for eternity among the wrathful. A soup kitchen queue for the Damned, if you will.

Should you be fortunate enough to have your number called out in under a decade, one of Lucifer’s infernal minions—known as a “state employee”—sizes you up and determines your fate. Most of us have only come to renew a drivers license, a matter these brutish she-demons take quite seriously.

They begin the torture by asking you several personal questions (height, weight, etc.) the answers of which are bellowed out for all to hear. This is meant to humiliate you as their cringe-worthy breath peels back several layers of epidermis from your face and neck.

The most intolerable part for me was watching her huge, warty meathooks curl their greasy talons around my proof of insurance. The resultant grease spot smelled of Cool Ranch Doritos and brimstone. The stain, I am led to believe, is Satan’s own Mark, signifying me as the proud owner of a new license.

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60 Replies to “The Fifth Circle of Hell”

  1. Gawd, brings back memories (long surpressed) of the bitch queens (how come no men?) at the old MA Regisrty of Motor Vehicles. Dot ALL you i’s and cross ALL your t’s or you’ll end up like Sisyphus at the head of the line only to find out you’re at the back, ad nauseum. :puke:

  2. They have a special training academy where they beat all the joy out of them daily. They also have a class in sadistic torture and bad picture technique.
    Mandy, it’s great to see you back on here :wang: :wang:

  3. Although they always manage to find your Achilles’ heel and stomp on it for as long as humanly possible, console yourself with the knowledge that the wrathful and sullen cretins are punished by being drowned in the muddy waters (of bureaucracy) for ETERNITY.

    Hilarious simile! :kiss: You rock! (heh, that was another post wasn’t it?) 😛

  4. [Comment ID #224628 will appear here]

    I think Dave, in his infinite wisdom, should decree that Mandy must comment on every post so we have the pleasure of gazing upon her beautiful buns whilst conjuring up our witty comments.
    They’re very … inspirational. Yes, that’s it. 😛

  5. I agree with junkman and AnnieB, Mandy. Great to have you and your rump back.
    But is that really yours, or did you get it from Spoof? Just wondering, not trying
    to rile you! :wang: :wang: ❗ 😈 👿

  6. Driver’s licenses in Georgia are no problem. We don’t use them. The republicans
    tried to start issuing them but nobody showed up. We’re a different breed down
    here. Go, Hillary! 🙂 :java: :kiss: :wtf:

  7. Not to mention that in Michigan, photo licenses & ID’s still take 4-6 before they are mailed to you, while the rest of the state of the 1980’s technology world gets theirs’ that day!
    :wtf:

  8. Being a car salesman in California, I can guaran-damn-tee that most of the people I test drive got their licence from a cereal box.

    You can tell by looking at the authorizing signatue. It’s Diggum’ the Sugar Smack frog.

  9. The lines at the Memphis D.L. Office are legendary! One time when I was just up there to get a new license with my HHH, we waited in line for hours! Then when HHH’s number finally gets called, I go with him because the Mensa candidate behind me keeps sniffing my hair! (eeewwwww!) We get to he/she/it’s, (I could not tell, swear to GOD!)window and hear, “Wot ya’ll doin’ up heah tugetha? Wun ata tahm.”, so I step back, but not back by the hair sniffer. It/he/she processes HHH’s info and gets his new license going, and then, knowing I am with him and waiting, he/she/it goes and takes a 20 minute break! That fucking whore!!! It/she/he finally gets back and then proceeds to take twice as long to process my information as it did HHH’s. We finally got out of there 4 hours after we had gotten there.

  10. [Comment ID #224649 will appear here]

    inspirational…thats a good word for it. I could think of a few others too.

  11. Sounds like someone renewed his plates after his birthday and was assessed a late fee. I hope it was before the Royal Oak copper ticketed you for driving on expired plates. That could cost as much as a double foo-foo latte at the local Starbucks.

    I renewed my plates early (I know, I know, I’m a role model for all good citizens). I was in and out in minutes. The clerk was quite pleasant. I may even go back next year.

  12. I bet he can’t think of jackshit. He’s probably too busy jacking off.

    On man, I love that name … I could on forevar. 😈

  13. [Comment ID #224739 will appear here]

    delectible, delicious, every young mans (and womans) fantasy, so round so firm so fully packed. Hey Mandy, am I making points???

  14. [Comment ID #224740 will appear here]

    Aren’t you a little leery about bringing up this whole birthday business? We could start up again, you know … 😀

  15. [Comment ID #224743 will appear here]

    Outstanding, although I believe I’d drop the “fully packed”. Not so good.

    [Comment ID #224745 will appear here]

    Man, you’re quick on the draw.

    NO, you most certainly did not. Are you new here?

    Just playing … I have a quirky sense of humor. (and sometimes only I get my jokes) 😛

  16. [Comment ID #224749 will appear here]

    not new, just don’t comment very often. My dad told me once that it is better to remain silent and let people think you a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt

  17. The rest of us stand ready to pounce when they take those comments too personally and start attacking our poor sweet innocent little AnnieB. 😈

  18. Shit Bjorn, I forgot what else I was going to say …

    … and you may also be dooming us to another excruciatingly long 3-days-between posts scenario. aargh! 😆

  19. [Comment ID #224761 will appear here]

    One sweet, not innocent coming up. Hmm, wait a sec, I don’t see a price in here for that. Let’s see … how about an up yours jack?

    See, see I just can’t help myself … it’s a sickness. 😛

    Are you in position Astryd? 😀

  20. [Comment ID #224767 will appear here]

    You’ve got it backwards, sweetheart. Not up mine.
    I’m ready Astryd

  21. Ok new guy here. Pretty funny site. And are all the chicks here strippers or something? All of their avatars have tons of skin. I can ony hope 🙂

  22. [Comment ID #224759 will appear here]

    Maybe Dave was in line at the Sect of State for those 3 days. Wow… I hadn’t considered that. All that wasted time for something he could have done online.

  23. [Comment ID #224818 will appear here]

    Gee Bjorn, do ya think, could it be possible, that our dear, sweet Dave is a closet fornicator? OMG, I never would have dreamed such a thing. He doesn’t have to go online. I mean all he had to do was say something and I would have been more than happy to accomodate him. I would have never thought he’d stand in line 3 days for sex at that Sect place. Isn’t that like some kind of weird cult?

    Hey, wait a sec! Were you talking about that license renewal thing?

    😳 So sorry, brain fart. I guess what I really meant was he’s a … procrastinator. Damnit, I always get those two words confused. Well, that explains a lot. 😛

  24. [Comment ID #224767 will appear here]

    Always!! 😈

    [Comment ID #224768 will appear here]

    Hm-Hmm. You’ll take it if and how Mistress Darla commands but when she is not here it’s AnnieB you must answer to!

  25. Go, Hillary!

    Any truth to the rumor that Ann Coulter is trying to compromise John McCane? :puke:

  26. Ok business talk now. I’ve put in an application for FHA loan? I’m convinced that only God and some bankers know what all this mumbo jumbo is but…I have awful credit and very low hopes for qualifying so in the meantime I’ve been looking around for someone to co-sign which is an entirely surprisingly different and very strange story(s). This is a first for me and I really just want to USE someone for six months. I’ve sold my property (land only) so I’ll clear all my divorce debts within the next two months but won’t show on my credit for about 3? months after and I have the ten percent to give as down payment but I have to have the financing in place by the fifteenth…catch 22 type of thing.
    I thought of buying me a co-signer for 6 months maybe give someone $500 to sign and refinance within 6 months but I don’t wanna be thrown in jail if it’s illegal. I”M TO PRETTY TO DO BIG GIRL JAIL TIME!! 😈 J/K but you get my point right. As you can see I’m lost confused and getting pretty desperate here. I have an appointment with the banker guy so he can explain to me but what should I ask? What should I look out for? Maybe you guys can give me some advice if most of you have done this before? HELP!!

    Creepy story #1:
    Cousin: I’ll apply with you, maybe it’ll help. I don’t have great credit but it’s building and I got my truck no problem.
    :kiss: Ok, let me talk to the banker guy and see if it’ll help. I’ll let you know. Thank you though.
    Continue to converse for about an hour about anything and everything then she says:
    Cousin: Yeah, just let me know about that cuz you know I don’t wanna live here too much longer, how many rooms does it have?
    :kiss: … 😕 …3
    Cousin: Hm, yeah. Then I can just go over there when I get tired of this place…
    :kiss: 😕 😳 :wtf: 😕 🙁 :dead:

    Creepy story #2:
    :kiss: Hey, could you co-sign for me?
    Long time friend: Of course, what are you buying?
    :kiss: That blue house on the corner. My money comes in within two weeks I’m gonna pay all the shit (ex) left me with and my credit will clear in a few months but I can’t wait that long. I need to do it by the fifteenth.
    LTF: He’s such an asshole. I can’t believe he left you in a hole like that.
    :kiss: I know but I’m over it. Consider it a fee I pay for peace of mind. I’ll dig myself out in a few months tops.
    LTF: I know you always do…Ok, 😀 here’s the deal. Marry me!
    :kiss: … :wtf: (pause then nervous giggle) You Doofus, I’m not talking to you no more! (teasing tone) I just got out of one and you want me to leap headfirst into another one. I’m not that desperate (am I?) …wait do you have life insurance and a terminal desease?
    LTF: Ha ha ha! No, just marry me, I’ll take care of you! Ha ha ha!
    :kiss: Fuck you! Do you have a friend that’s about to kick the bucket? Or wants to make $500? With good credit though.
    LTF: I’ll check. Ha ha ha!
    :kiss: Ok hon, I’ll let you go. I’m gonna go put on my fuck me boots and find me a sugar daddy. Let me know if you think of anybody ha ha (still nervously) Bye. phew

    I don’t wanna grow up… 😕

  27. [Comment ID #225024 will appear here]

    When two vituperative conservative blowhards like Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh are dead set against John McCain it (almost) makes you want to vote for him. :puke:

  28. Say, AnnieB, I was perusing you avatar again and you’ll never guess what’s in
    my hand. :wtf: 😳 :kiss:

  29. [Comment ID #225075 will appear here]

    No, Cialis; it lasts all weekend. :wang: :wang: :kiss: :!:[Comment ID #225141 will appear here]

    Pant! Pant! :wang: :wang:

Comments are closed.