The day I realized Santa was fake

It was Christmas Eve and I was five years old.
Me: “Mom?”
Mom: “Yes, honey?”
Me: “This package says it’s from Santa.”
Mom: “It is! What did you ask him for?”
Me: “I don’t know. But it looks like your writing.”
Mom: “Uhhh, yes he asked me to write it for him.”
Me: “Hmph.”

Christmas Day
Me: “Mom?”
Mom: “Yes, honey?”
Me: “If this package is from Santa, how come it says Mattel on the box?”
Mom: “…”
Mom: “Look, just don’t tell your sisters.”

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51 Replies to “The day I realized Santa was fake”

  1. Wait a minute …. are you trying to tell us something Mr. Z?
    Are you fake? Is Mandy? Astryd? AnnieB? Gulp .. me?

  2. [Comment ID #190247 will be quoted here]

    I am quite real, I assure you. You however, are fake. My mom said so. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. ๐Ÿ˜

  3. I know what everyone is thinking, “If mom lied to me, what about the government?” Nah… :wtf:

    As far as the zillababes are concerned, please don’t even go there. I couldn’t take it.

  4. [Comment ID #190257 will be quoted here]

    Well, at least that explains why I don’t have an image in mirrors.

  5. I’m glad Jordyn thought that was funny, his inability to post sure is’nt. Or, perhaps, he just found out himself!

  6. pretend my co-workers are alien? who the fuck has to pretend? yesterday the guy beside me left work at noon to go to his daughter’s graduation. she’s in junior kindergarten for fat, fucking santa’s sake! what goddamn planet is this guy from? geez dad, i hope the little princess follows her dreams and successfully makes her way through the challenging “real world” of primary school. guess what princess? santa’s as real as your “hi i’m from uranus” , pussy-whipped father’s grasp of reality is.(dramatic look). ๐Ÿ‘ฟ ๐Ÿ‘ฟ ๐Ÿ‘ฟ

  7. Aw Dave, youรขโ‚ฌโ„ขre Mum gave in waaay too easily. It would have been as easy as:

    MOM: รขโ‚ฌล“Well Honey, Mattel is one of Santaรขโ‚ฌโ„ขs hardest working little elves. He tinkers away in the workshop in the North Pole along side other elves called Fisher, Price, Atari, Sega, Hasbro and Playboysubscription. (the little elf who built your fatherรขโ‚ฌโ„ขs Christmas present)รขโ‚ฌย

  8. I wish I could pretend my co-workers were aliens…that might actually explain some things…but, alas, I think they’re from Earth…maybe I’m an alien? :kiss:

  9. I have a chimney; I still get presents from Santa. I believe, I believe. Yes Virginia,or Davezilla, there is a Santa Claus. Even if the writing does look my wife’s You just gotta’ believe or you grow up and realize that the world is an impefect place.

  10. Don’t you lie you bastard! I have a chimney and Santa visits me every fucking Christmas! ๐Ÿ˜ก

    [Comment ID #190265 will be quoted here]

    Vampiric tendencies? …ooh! Are you a biter? *turns away exposing neck* ๐Ÿ˜ˆ

  11. [Comment ID #190304 will be quoted here]

    I always have an evil grin when a woman says “Let’s grab a bite” ๐Ÿ˜ˆ

  12. your all evil….

    santa doesnt exist….

    i dont need a stong imagination to “pretend” that my co-“workers” are alliens.

    and lets not forget that vampires hate the sun (for good reason) and i havnt seen the sun in over a year. well rarely…..

  13. What a leap of logic. Here your Mom was plagiarizing, claiming her own part of the Santa Claus mystique. Deluding you, your sisters, and likely herself that *she* was, in some part, Santa Claus. As if.

    What I really don’t get, is even in that heap of shame, she could bring the entire world crumbling down. Instead of admitting that she lied, that she signed Santa’s name without permission — she claimed there was no Santa! That she *had* to do it! How awful, what a horrible thing to do to her children.

    Next thing you know, she probably signed you into an institution designed to capture the best parts of the days for years to come. And she will probably lie about that, too. “School is important! You need an education! You will have fun! You need school so you can get a good job!” Instead of the bald truth, “You have to go to school and let the government decide what you should know, or I will go to jail.”

    I have been reading of abusive families. But this is atrocious. Too bad the statue of limitations ran out, I would help you sign the criminal complaint.

    Letting any child grow up thinking there is no Santa Claus! I suppose your Mom thinks ‘The Santa Clause’ is just another movie that happens to have Tim Allen, too. Has she *listened* to the Statler Brothers’ ‘I Believe in Santa’s Cause’?! Does she think ‘Miracle on 34th Street’ was a dream, just because it wasn’t done in color? With just a bit more honesty, this all could have been averted.

    Sorry, Dave, this is a poignant topic for me.

  14. [Comment ID #190304 will be quoted here]if by chimney you mean; something which one comes down and if by santa you mean; someone that leaves gifts under a pie shaped bush, then i too, am a believer and am sorry to have misled you.

  15. santa hmmm and all these years…..I still believe I still Believe>….aww who am i kidding I do believe my coworker aka my wife is an alien oh hello dear no no please not that lazer probe again ……………….. :dead:

  16. [Comment ID #190354 will be quoted here]hmmmm…..i can’t help but notice you resemble steven spielberg. this could be e.t. propaganda. didn’t they dress e.t. in a santa suit? could a co-worker be an e.t. santa? perhaps co-workers do not exist. i will need to phone home to verify all this. wait….no…laser probe…shit…… :dead:

  17. [Comment ID #190339 will be quoted here]

    C’mon Jess, grab that slinky red dress of yours and your Playboy shoes. You and I are going on a road trip and if you’re a really bad girl, I’ll let you sit on Santa’s lap. Over and over and over again.

  18. [Comment ID #190339 will be quoted here]
    C’mon Jess, grab that slinky red dress of yours and your Playboy shoes. You and I are going on a road trip and if you’re a really bad girl, I’ll let you sit on Santa’s lap. Over and over and over again.

  19. [Comment ID #190265 will be quoted here]
    I thought it always said that objects in the mirror appear closer then they really are…

    ๐Ÿ˜†

  20. [Comment ID #190304 will be quoted here]
    Neck?!?!? Well… O.K. but just for starters… :P[Comment ID #190339 will be quoted here]
    How about Buffy the Vampire Layer??? ๐Ÿ˜ˆ

  21. [Comment ID #190339 will be quoted here]

    mmmmmm…. I love to eat rabbits

    ๐Ÿ˜ˆ ๐Ÿ˜ˆ ๐Ÿ˜ˆ ๐Ÿ˜ˆ

  22. [Comment ID #190339 will be quoted here]

    C’mon Jess, pack up that slinky red dress of yours and your Playboy shoes cuz we’re goin’ on a road trip. If you’re bad enough, I’ll let you sit on Santa’s lap. Over and over and over again.

  23. [Comment ID #190419 will be quoted here]
    Jessica rabbit says: “I do too ๐Ÿ˜ˆ but I don’t think you we’re on the same level here.”

    [Comment ID #190412 will be quoted here]
    The neck is the bait… ๐Ÿ˜ˆ

    [Comment ID #190402 will be quoted here]
    I told ya’ll Santa was real… ๐Ÿ˜†

  24. [Comment ID #190347 will be quoted here]

    Hmmm…I’d never really considered the “coming down the chimney” metaphore before. Interesting. And the “pie-shaped bush” works for me as well.

    Are you familiar with the Leonard Cohen tune “Light As The Breeze”?

    “So I knelt there at the delta,
    At the alpha and the omega,
    At the cradle of the river and the seas…”

  25. What’s with all the repetitive postings today? Santa must be a touchy subject. You can’t blame all the drug use and electric shock treatments on your mom claiming there was no Santa. It’s because you didn’t have the balls to stand up for your beliefs. Of course, at 5 you probably didn’t have much in the way of balls yet actually. ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

  26. [Comment ID #190487 will be quoted here]

    We’re not repetitive, we’re just drawn that way.

  27. [Comment ID #190428 will be quoted here]
    But I was always told that Santa only comes ONCE a year.. ๐Ÿ˜ˆ

  28. [Comment ID #190505 will be quoted here]

    If you’re good, Santa comes once. If you’re naughty, Santa keeps coming back … with shoes, jewelry, clothes, flowers, cars, toys, whips, butt plugs, bindings, pony gear … you know – the usual stuff. ๐Ÿ˜ˆ

  29. In my house when I was a child, it was explained to me that as soon as you stop believing in Santa, he stops coming. I still believe….and he still comes (although his writing is suspiciously like my husband’s). I ask no questions, and the presents keep coming.

    When I used to babysit, the little boy asked me once that if Santa brings the presents down the chimney, how come there are already presents in boxes under the tree? Thinking fast, I said that the boxes are all empty. Mom and Dad wrap them up and mark them for each child, and Santa comes down the chimney and fills them all up! He was convinced and asked no more questions….until he brought up the subject of the birds and the bees! I referred him to his mother for that one.

  30. [Comment ID #191740 will be quoted here]

    Santa has something very special in his bag (o’ tricks) for little girls like you …. ๐Ÿ˜ˆ

  31. this christmas santa will come all over the slaty neighbors face.

    what!?! santa isn’t real? i want my milk and cookies back danm it.

    santa is real and area 50 is his workshop, ask the gov.

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