Parenting: What no one told me

So I became a father for the first time. At 49. I had pretty much given up the hope of having children, but then it happened. No, don’t congratulate me. It was easy. What wasn’t easy was sifting through the reams of advice you’re given from doctors, family, magazines, blogs, friends and complete strangers—yes the […]

Two Shakes of a Lamb’s Tail

How come when someone says, “I’ll be there in two shakes of a lamb’s tail,” it always takes about 45 minutes? Just how big is a lamb’s tail?

Worst Gifts to Give Your Girlfriend or Wife

The Good Wife’s Guide A weight scale The phone numbers of every stripper you’ve ever met A porcupine Instruction and Advice for the Young Bride Manual A mustard sandwich An extension cord, used A box of rust An ultimatum What gifts would you shy away from giving?

The Fifth Circle of Hell

CANTO XIII: In most of the United States, when it’s time to renew your driver’s license, or get new tabs for your plates, you might go to the DMV (Dept. of Motor Vehicles). Not so in Michigan. We go to the Secretary of State—known to Dante Alighieri as the Fifth Circle of Hell. It is […]

Overheard: People are fuh-reaks edition

GIRL 1: “Um, I got him a tie, a video game and his-and-hers buttplugs.” GIRL 2: ‘OMG! I bought Mike the same things!” [From Natalie, overheard on the subway:] MAN: “Don’t those blow-up dolls come with orifices and shit?” PERSON IN DELI: “Is this milk? It says it is. Is it?” viagra free viagra buy […]

Movie Reviews in Haiku

Reviews in Haiku 300 Best. Movie. Evar. Goddamned kids keep yelling out, “Dude! This… is… SPARTAAAAAA!” Beowulf Did they really have Hot chicks like Angelina In ancient Denmark? Spiderman 3 Wow, three criminals That’s three times the excitement And one third the plot. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End Captain Jack is gone Thankfully […]

Facebook apps I want to see

Auto Ignore: Getting too many app requests? Not only will this app ignore all requests from your annoying so-called friends, it will simultaneously remove the app from their profile. Fun! Great FunWall of China: Like FunWall, but with more restrictions. A lot more. It’s really not all that fun, come to think of it. Don’t […]