Guide to Artists’ Models No. 6: The Dribbler

The Dribbler Despite his brutish, troll-like appearance, the Dribbler is an excellent model, able to hold unchallenging poses for an hour without tiring. Yes, he has more body odor and hair than a Musk Ox. Yes, he has 5:00 shadow by 9:15 am. These are all excusable and minor in comparison to the trait that […]

Guide to Artists’ Models No. 5: Former Fashion Model

The Former Fashion Model At first glance, the first year art student may assume the professor had brought a cadaver for the class to draw. Then the cadaver coughs, a miserable, cancerous cough that produces more than a few moths and dust. It is not a cadaver, but a former fashion model, driven to nude […]

Guide to Artists’ Models No. 4: The Closet Pervert

The Closet Pervert Possibly the ugliest known human (certainly the ugliest person I’ve ever drawn) is the Closet Pervert. At only thirty-three, he looks closer to ninety-seven, owing to chronic masturbation which has sucked away his life force. With his greying locks, he resembles one of the Founding Fathers, but as no woman in her […]

Guide to Artists’ Models No. 3: The Hippie Chick

The Hippie Chick Making a dramatic resurgence in popularity in recent years, the Earth Mother’s younger, inebriated equivalent, the Hippie Chick is a sight to behold. Or flee from. Look for silky hair, wavy, golden-red and reaching almost to the floor—and that’s just her armpit hair. Her skin is either sun-freckled or drug-acned, and I […]

Guide to Artists’ Models No. 2: The Nudist

Second only in popularity to The Earth Mother, The Nudist is usually an elderly gentleman, with a silver ponytail collected from his few remaining strands of hair. His buttocks are withered as raisins and his hairy stomach hangs from him like a weaverbird nest. The Nudist loves the outdoors and finds no greater pleasure than […]

Guide to Artists’ Models No. 1: The Earth Mother

The Earth Mother is probably the most common of artists’ models. A vast expanse of doughy flesh topped with a mop of unshorn hair, she is happiest walking aboutau naturale in the presence of young men. The Earth Mother feels it is her duty on earth to inform budding artists of the benefits of an […]