More people we dislike #6: The unwashed masses

  1. People who can’t be bothered to flush the urinal or toilet. I have no interest in seeing what you left behind. Stop bragging.
  2. Coworkers who apologize for talking with their mouths full, but then continue to do it. Makes me want to sneeze and rub my nose on their sleeve.
  3. Weathermen. Useless lifeforms.
  4. Coworkers who constantly talk about how much better their last job was. Then why did you leave, you glue-sniffing jackass?
  5. Mothers who brag that their baby boy is 1/4″ larger than he should be for his age. Listen, I’m 6’3″. Your kid is a dust mite in my world. A hand-sized rodent that I can dropkick. He’s not big and you can’t measure. Go away.
  6. Furries who insist that they are “not into bestiality”. Listen, if you like dressing like a purple bandicoot when you’re busting a nut, you are 180° from normal. I wish you a lifetime of fleas and the mange. OK, Crackie?
  7. Men who see a drop dead gorgeous woman and then say, “Oh, she’s not pretty. I only find you attractive.” [cough] liar [cough]
  8. People who describe their bowel movements to me while I’m eating.
  9. Incompetent people who try to flatter me into doing their work for them. Tell you what. Sure. I’ll do it. Then you sign over your paycheck and compliment me on that as well. K? Thanks, sunshine.
  10. Who is getting your goat today?

More people we dislike #5: Music Video Directors

A special breed of artist, the music video director fancies himself one day a real film director. This of course, will never happen unless someone writes a movie about a ratty-looking guitarist breaking up with his supermodel girlfriend in the desert, while chicas in matching thongs choreograph the breakup in a New York City back alley.

We hate you, video directors, because you all use the same video effects, the same yawnful slow motion pans across teary-eyed waifs and men with 5:00 shadow.

No, we are neither enticed nor fooled by the tiny, red REC icon flashing on the video. We don’t feel like we’re the director when you do that. It’s trite and it’s tired. Run along.

We are similarly confused by your constant use of dancers. If the song is about the Chernobyl disaster, it really doesn’t need Latinas in hot-pants acting it out. If it’s about getting nasty, then by all means, add the tramps and remove their clothes.

More people we can safely dislike #4

  1. Ex-Marines who constantly say, “Hey. That’s how we did it in the Corps.”
  2. The guy who feels compelled to one-up every story anyone tells
  3. The masses who annually forget how to brake after the first 1/2″ of snow falls. Mainly Southerners, who—bless their hearts—can’t drive decently any time of the year
  4. People who brag at work about how much they give to charity but tell the homeless they can’t spare a quarter
  5. People who actually believe in dragons
  6. Stores that charge more for their gift boxes than for the gifts in them
  7. People responsible for recipes like Spam cupcakes
  8. Friends who call you up and promptly put you on hold so they can take another call
  9. The person you linked to once who became an overnight stalker
  10. Who do you dislike today?

People we can safely dislike #3

  1. People who see every natural disaster or world event as somehow intimately tied to themselves, and view their existence as the cause.
  2. You’re waiting in a huge line at an over-priced coffee chain. The person in front of you has spent the entire time complaining about how ridiculous the line is and how long everyone is taking to order. It’s finally that person’s turn. Like a deer in the headlights, they suddenly have no idea what they want and need to have each item described in detail. Twice.
  3. The guy who always has a story one better than you. No matter who you are, or what walk of life you come from, he did it first, better, longer, faster, and more amazing than you.
  4. Women who wear spike heels and skirts to completely inappropriate venues — like rock climbing.
  5. People who introduce themselves to you out of the blue and try to shake your hand after you’ve just seen them scratch their nether regions.

People we can safely dislike #2

  1. Guys who wear t-shirts with tuxedos printed on them.
  2. People who finish their sentences by clucking their tongue. Every time.
  3. I don’t mind the odd lawn gnome or statue of Mary, but when it gets to be a village…
  4. People whose entire philosophical base can be summarized through the 18 bumperstickers littering their Chevy Astro.
  5. Coworkers who feel every situation warrants a line from Homer Simpson.
  6. People who take “pitchers” with their “point ‘n’ snaps”.
  7. Anyone who whips out their gold card at the dollar store
  8. Men who claim to have confronted and fought off Bigfoot.
  9. Drivers who take pains to pass you when you were already speeding, get directly in front of you and promptly slow down.
  10. John Ashcroft