More People We Can Safely Dislike #21

  1. The person(s) responsible for the musical selections playing ambiently in malls
  2. Indecisive lane-riders
  3. People who buy 398 items, freak out at the total, then force the cashier to remove each item one at a time until they can afford it
  4. Ann Coulter (always)
  5. Those who doubt the awesomeness of Kenny Powers
  6. People who cannot stop talking about American Idol
  7. Neighbors who mow the lawn at 4AM
  8. Hacks who blame their bad behavior on their “artistic temperament”
  9. Men who wear sweat pants with sport coats to restaurants. Just stop it.
  10. People who read me their poetry when I didn’t ask

Who do you dislike this week?

More people we can safely dislike #20

  1. Kids that dropped out of school because, “My teachah’s ignernt.”
  2. Clowns. Always clowns.
  3. Douchebags that tell their girlfriends they can’t hang out with their guy friends, but they of course can continue to hang out with their ex-girlfriends.
  4. People with shit taste in films who insist that despite the critics, despite what my friends have said, despite the awful trailers that I’m really missing out on the depth of Pauly Shore’s venerable acting career.
  5. Anyone who defends Coldplay.
  6. People who act affronted that they can’t carry automatic weapons with them into Wal-Mart.
  7. The Illuminati. I mean, what good are they anymore?
  8. Diehard Dan Brown fans.
  9. People who text two-handed on their Crackberries while driving a BMW with manual transmission.
  10. The reader who keeps mailing me Xtian tracts to save my soul.

More people we can safely dislike #19

  1. The coworker reads aloud every memo, email, etc. to themselves and has to tell me, “Oh, I’m not talking to you. I’m just thinking aloud.” I didn’t ask, OK?.
  2. People who live in Michigan, one of the snowiest states in the US, but can’t drive in 1/2″ of snow. Please go back to Ohio/Indiana/Windsor where no one can drive in any weather.
  3. People who make weak tea or coffee. If it bothers your stomach, drink something else. This ain’t rocket science.
  4. People who rake/blow their leaves onto my lawn
  5. The Sham Wow guy. Seriously, someone take him out.
  6. Who do you dislike today?

More people we dislike #18

  1. Comcast Tech Support, for having service interruptions all fucking week
  2. Lane drifters, Sunday or not
  3. Guys who change their clothes at Armani Exchange outside the dressing room
  4. Anyone who greets me with, “Hey, guy!”
  5. Anyone who greets me with, “Hey, boss!”
  6. Anyone who greets me with, “Hey, chief!”
  7. Anyone who greets me with, “Hey, captain!”
  8. Anyone who greets me with, “You owe me money.”

More people we dislike #17

  1. The Brotherhood of Bikers: In my town, there is a rather extensive gang of “Christian Bikers” known collectively as Riders for the Son. Perhaps I didn’t pay enough attention in Sunday School, but I don’t recall Jesus requesting his followers to ride Harleys and fuck shit up.
  2. I am Metrosexual. Hear me score. Look, I like to dress well. I go to a hair stylist as opposed to a barber. Primarliy because I’d rather have my head touched by a stylish, young woman than a lecherous ex-con. I draw the line at getting manicures, man bags, plucked eyebrows and apricot scrub facials. Sorry fellas. If you submit to those, you might as well be wearing a skirt and drinking Zima or Coors.
  3. The Neighborhood Bully: Explanation needed? Really?
  4. Are my breasts pressed together enough to hold your undivided attention while I try to weasel out of this parking ticket? No. Keep pressing.
  5. The guy with a “friend who happens to be black / Jewish / Asian / Hispanic / something”. Listen, Dr. King. If you’re really not race or color conscious, you wouldn’t remind us every time that you have one friend who isn’t snowball white like you.
  6. “Why do they insist on making clothes in size four? No one is that size!” News flash, Rosie O’Donnell. Lots of women exercise and grasp the rudimentary concept of portion control. Lots of women are under 120 lbs. There’s even women under 110 lbs that [gasp] don’t have eating disorders!
  7. “Yeah, it’s a BMW. You can look. I allow that.” Yeah, I don’t care.
  8. “My dick is so big, she can’t handle it.” Guess what, John Holmes? Every woman you have ever, or will ever sleep with, has already had men with larger equipment, who earned more money and lasted longer than you. Deal with it.
  9. “I’d really prefer you not smoke. I know we’re outside and the wind is blowing the opposite direction of me but…” MYOFB, Everett Koop. Let them kill themselves anyway they want. They’ll die from lung cancer and you’ll die from choking on the Hostess Cupcakes you hoard in your cubicle.
  10. Who’s pissing you off, lately?
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