My Asshole Cats

asshole cats

My Asshole Cats

  1. …Refuse to chase their toys until I’m in 4th stage REM sleep.
  2. …Only get nauseous when the floor is clean. And only on the hardwood.
  3. …Are responsible for 99% of all poltergeist activity in the lower 48 states.
  4. …Inform me their claws need trimming when they are sitting on my crotch.
  5. …Allow my baby to pull their hair, slap them and bite their heads. If I so much as pet them too close to their tails, I lose a vital organ.
  6. …Love our cranky old Pug, but are plotting the slow, painful death of our gentle Italian Greyhound.
  7. …Want to decimate every wild bird outside, but have no interest killing indoor spiders.
  8. …Can pick locks with the skill of a hardened ex-con.
  9. …Shit next to their litter box.

Pets vs. Babies

pets vs. babies
  • Cats prefer baby toys to their own
  • Babies prefer cat toys to their own
  • Pugs will graciously eat dirty diapers, lightening the garbage load, but making for an interesting back yard cleanup.

Sleep deprivation

LIZZ: “That’s it, honey.” [SITTING UP, ROCKING IN BED]
ME: “What are you doing?”
LIZZ: “I just… I have to stay awake and…to make sure the baby doesn’t fall asleep on me.”
ME: “What? I didn’t even hear you get out of bed.”
LIZZ “Oh. My. God. I am losing my mind.”
ME: “What?!?”
LIZZ: “This isn’t even the baby. I’ve been rocking the cat.”