Spa Day for Men

I was instant messaging with my dear friend Minnie, yesterday. She mentioned that she had just gone to one of those fancy, all-day spa treatments. She had a chocolate body wrap and then 500 naked slave men washed her in Crystal champagne while virgin turtledoves flew down from heaven and fed her cheese nips.

Or something like that.

I replied that men would probably enjoy things like that if we didn’t have to beat ourselves up afterward to stay manly. Later it dawned on me that if men did have a spa day, it would be a jillion times cooler than any girly spa. The typical spa day for us would be:

  1. South Sea Scrub: Do your skin a favor with this ancient treat from the briny deep. Authentic, Pacific sailors will keelhaul you, scrubbing off all that dead skin with Nature’s own exfoliator: the Northern Rock Barnacle.
  2. Manly Steam Bath: Let our engineers do the work for you. They’ll rope and lash you to a real locomotive, letting generous clouds of coal-powered steam scald your skin to a healthful, radiant glow.
  3. Beef Jerky Wrap: Your skin needs care, too. Wrap it in luxurious strips of spiced jerky and venison fatback. Salts and fatty acids will cure and preserve your skin, possibly through several coming Ice Ages. (Slim Jim Wrap extra)
  4. Sam Adams Shower: Time to rinse away your cares with our very own beer bath. Let experienced frat boys shower you with two dozen of cans of hand-shaken, American ale. You’ll swear you’ve died and gone to Anheuser-Busch.
  5. What will you do on your spa day?
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27 Replies to “Spa Day for Men”

  1. Hmmm…Sailors, engineers, frat boys..scrubbing, lashing, and beer, the other golden shower…sounds like the homoerotic spa day to me…

  2. My spa would be a large bathtub of beer… with massage tables all around it and naked women of all kinds just kneading my skin with every part of their bodies.

    The entire time 4 big screen Plasma TVs on the walls…with either porn or sports playing all the time.

    Every massage would have a HAPPY ENDING.

  3. My spa day might start with a 2 mile ride. Nekkid, in a 60 bushel wagon of shelled corn. Pulled by a 2-cylinder John Deere, down country lanes.

    Next would be a soothing mud immersion. In the wallow the pigs made at the wide spot in the creek. Several guys would help move from the wallow to the creek, to rinse off. In northern Wisconsin. At the end of October. Bring your own towel or burlap bag to wipe off, possibly an ice bar to break the surface up, depending on how early ‘winter’ sets in this year.

    Next would be a meditation and stress relief session, assembling three children’s bicycles after dumping all three kits together. With coaching by my mother.

    A massage and muscle toning session would re-enact an Old West barroom brawl, with two opposing European soccer teams, all inebriated. The Old West version of ‘Chiropractic Treatment’.

    The capper for the day would be a spirit-enhancing hike. In simulated Marine boot camp field pack (using a garbage bag with 26 pounds of Pig Wallow mud). 5 miles downhill, then back.

    Free complimentary jerky strips on checkout.

  4. Dave – You need some serious counseling – Having said that, my last spa was in Calistoga (Napa valley) and consisted of 15 minutes each of’ mud bath, hot tub, aroma therapy stream room, cool down towel wrap and a 30 minute massage followed by a good dinner and a great bottle of wine. My wife provided the happy ending and we both had a great night’s sleep. Funny, I still feel like a man.

  5. Manly SPA day…sit in a mud puddle and fart (hot tub) then pee into a high wind(special chemical shower)…then,slide through a number of 400 pound ladies like a watermelon seed on speed…ending in a self induced stupor after consuming 47 cans of cold shots

  6. SPA DAY:
    Step One:
    Apply Bourbon Liberally to Liver. Make sure you baste all around!
    Step Two:
    I forgot…..It was fun Though. There are lots of Weird pictures on my Camera.
    One is me, I think.
    Step Three:
    Keep Fingers crossed for No Jail Time. Make Bail. Go Home. 👿

  7. I can only assume there would be a live sports feed in every room of the spa. 2 hours of full body massage… happy ending optional. Alcohol. Lap dances.

  8. Doing various erotic exercises in a tub filled with KY Jelly with Peta Wilson or
    Mila Jovovich. Ahh-h-h-h! :boob: :boob: :wang: :kiss: 👿 :wtf:

  9. A Spud Spa Day – would most likely go something along these lines…

    1. Sleep in till at least 7am

    2. Cooked breakfast consisting of –
    (a)Crispy bacon rashers (1/2 kilo)
    (b)2 Sausages
    (c)1 small steak
    (d)2 small lamb chops
    (e)1 small can of spagetti
    (f)2 medium fried tomatoes
    (g)2 lightly cooked eggs, sunny side up
    (h)2 slabs of thick sliced bread toasted with lashings of butter
    (i)1 enormous mug of strong tea

    3.Small nap for 1-2 hours

    4.1 Round of 18 holes of golf wherein I shoot an unbeleivable 8 under the card.

    5. Shower and rub down/massage in the dressing rooms by 2 scantily clad females of the completely drop dead kind.

    6. Lunch – 2-3 hours of delectable delights and pampering.

    7. Small nap 1-2hrs

    8. Driven home after cocktails and deposited at front door in time for dinner.

    :geek:

  10. You see 500 Naked Beautiful men.

    We see:
    The Locker Room at the Y. :limp: :puke:

    Ladies, You don’t really want to shower with 500 naked men.
    And don’t say “They are all pretty” because that also means “They are not interested in Girls”

  11. [Comment ID #80820 will be quoted here]

    The peanutbutter is to cover the smell of 500 naked men, presumably.

  12. I am sorry I am confused as to how did she know the 500 men were virgins.
    Maybe I should read that slower.

    I should also pointout that it would be cool to have a couple of those wheel chairs at the office.

  13. I am sorry I am confused as to how did she know the 500 men were virgins.
    Maybe I should read that slower.:???:

    I should also pointout that it would be cool to have a couple of those wheel chairs at the office.

  14. I have to say I know allot of industrial type guys and the concept of a day spa would go right over there heads. Although it is nice to have your back rubbed if it is sore. Can I get an Amen from the back.

  15. 😐 Well, lets see a day spa for men would include Naked women in Sauna :thong: :boob: :boob: :boob: :boob:

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