Song of Solomon, Deconstructed

If you’ve ever read the Song of Solomon in the bible—a love poem between two lovers—then you’ve read one of the weirdest books ever. The way the woman is described makes her sound like something only H.P. Lovecraft could conceive of. In fact, this guy may have been writing about Cthulhu. If I told my fiancée that her breasts looked like two deer and her teeth like sheep, I think I’d be sleeping on the couch for a month.

Let’s look at a few choice verses:

Her:

  1. # Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves’ eyes within thy locks: thy hair is as a flock of goats, that appear from mount Gilead.
    So, she has eyes like doves. Red and on both sides of her head? Her hair is like goats: smelly, charging down a hill and prone to chewing on tires?
  2. Thy lips are like a thread of scarlet
    Man, those are some thin lips! A thread? That would be like kissing nothing.
  3. Thy neck is like the tower of David builded for an armoury, whereon there hang a thousand bucklers, all shields of mighty men.
    Just how long is this chick’s neck? A thousand shields can hang from it? This is Sparta!
  4. Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins, which feed among the lilies.
    So her breasts have small horns, are covered in brown fur and hang down to the flowers? Hot!
  5. Thy lips, O my spouse, drop as the honeycomb: honey and milk are under thy tongue; and the smell of thy garments is like the smell of Lebanon.
    Stand back; this one’s a drooler and her clothes have been in the cedar closet all year.
  6. A garden inclosed is my sister, my spouse; a spring shut up, a fountain sealed.
    Nowadays, we solve the “spring shut up, fountain sealed” issue with a healthy squirt of lube.
  7. My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him.
    If this is referring to one of those Two Girls and a Cup videos, I’m gonna puke.
  8. I opened to my beloved; but my beloved had withdrawn himself, and was gone: my soul failed when he spake: I sought him, but I could not find him; I called him, but he gave me no answer.
    But he left $100 on the nightstand.
  9. Thy navel is like a round goblet, which wanteth not liquor: thy belly is like an heap of wheat set about with lilies.
    Sounds like someone’s been doing body shots!
  10. This thy stature is like to a palm tree, and thy breasts to clusters of grapes.
    Yearly mammograms are important in the early detection of grape-like lumps.
  11. I am a wall, and my breasts like towers: then was I in his eyes as one that found favour.
    What kind of cup size is that? Is it measured in exponents?

Him:

  1. His head is as the most fine gold, his locks are bushy, and black as a raven.
    In California, that’s called fake and bake tanning.
  2. His eyes are as the eyes of doves by the rivers of waters, washed with milk, and fitly set.
    Milky eyes? Where I come from, we call that cataracts.
  3. His cheeks are as a bed of spices, as sweet flowers: his lips like lilies, dropping sweet smelling myrrh.
    Assuming she is referring to the cheeks on his head. There’s this thing called a washcloth, and regular usage prevents fungal buildup from becoming a garden.
  4. His hands are as gold rings set with the beryl: his belly is as bright ivory overlaid with sapphires.
    A blue stomach is the sign of congestive heart failure. Might want to give the doc a call.
  5. His legs are as pillars of marble, set upon sockets of fine gold: his countenance is as Lebanon, excellent as the cedars.
    Those are some fancy prosthetic limbs he’s sporting!

27 Replies to “Song of Solomon, Deconstructed”

  1. “I have compared thee, O my love, to a company of horses in Pharaoh’s chariots.”
    Translation: You look like Sarah Jessica Parker.

    “Behold his bed, which is Solomon’s; threescore valiant men are about it, of the valiant of Israel.”
    Translation: Mind if my buddies watch?

    “My beloved is white and ruddy, the chiefest among ten thousand.”
    Translation: He’s got the best farmer’s tan in all the land!

    “There are threescore queens, and fourscore concubines, and virgins without number.”
    Translation: You’ve had how many girlfriends?!

  2. So I knelt there at the delta,
    at the alpha and the omega,
    at the cradle of the river and the seas.
    And like a blessing come from heaven
    for something like a second
    I was healed and my heart
    was at ease.

    L. Cohen

  3. your eyes look unto me like two p-ss holes in the snow
    thy breasts like two bags of 2% milk
    thy legs like a road map
    thy car an amalgam of the renault clio and the ford taurus …..the clitaurus

  4. -Because of the savour of thy good ointments thy name is as ointment poured forth, therefore do the virgins love thee. (grease up the newbs before deflowering?)
    -A bundle of myrrh is my well-beloved unto me; he shall lie all night betwixt my breasts. (you may find a pearl necklace instead of myrhh!)
    -My beloved spake, and said unto me, Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away. (it get’s hard and shoots when she talks dirty?)
    -By night on my bed I sought him whom my soul loveth: I sought him, but I found him not. (cuz he’s fuckin’ yer sister!)
    -My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him. (nothing like a good fisting to get things going!)
    -I went down into the garden of nuts to see the fruits of the valley, and to see whether the vine flourished and the pomegranates budded. (did you gag whilst doing so?)
    -O that thou wert as my brother, that sucked the breasts of my mother! when I should find thee without, I would kiss thee; yea, I should not be despised. (let me get this straight…when your brother is not sucking your mom’s tits you want to kiss him and not be despised for doing so?)

  5. Old Testament Advertising:

    Goat fleece, deer brassieres, bunged up plumbing, bowel movements, grapes and the scent of a glorified Israeli firing range.

    Because I’m Worth It!

  6. So it is written, let not the ring of gold pass unto her, ere the comely wench shall become a hag and thy bed shall feel no warmth.

  7. O that thou wert as my brother, that sucked the breasts of my mother! when I should find thee without, I would kiss thee;
    – Loosely translated, “If you can’t keep it in your pants, keep it in the family” :wtf:

  8. Let’s face it kiddies, ain’t nothing new between the sheets it’s all been done before. :wang:

  9. [quote comment=”633756″]Because I’m Worth It![/quote]
    Ha! *spews coffee*

    [quote comment=”633768″]Let’s face it kiddies, ain’t nothing new between the sheets it’s all been done before.:wang:[/quote]
    True true.

  10. [quote comment=”633751″]your eyes look unto me like two p-ss holes in the snow
    thy breasts like two bags of 2% milk
    thy legs like a road map
    thy car an amalgam of the renault clio and the ford taurus …..the clitaurus[/quote]

    thou maketh mine coffee spew forth!!!! thou winnest!

  11. [quote comment=”633768″]Let’s face it kiddies, ain’t nothing new between the sheets it’s all been done before.[/quote]

    Well, personally, ^_~ I don’t hold with the postmodernist thought that everything’s been done before; we all just have to be a little more…well…creative with our experimentation! 😛 😀 :knickers:

    Don’t you think? 😉

  12. [quote comment=”633802″][quote comment=”633768″]Let’s face it kiddies, ain’t nothing new between the sheets it’s all been done before.[/quote]

    Well, personally, ^_~ I don’t hold with the postmodernist thought that everything’s been done before; we all just have to be a little more…well…creative with our experimentation! 😛 😀 :knickers:

    Don’t you think? ;-)[/quote]

    I suppose that’s how someone came up with Zilla’s aforementioned Two Girls and a Cup. :puke:

  13. [quote comment=”633802″][quote comment=”633768″]Let’s face it kiddies, ain’t nothing new between the sheets it’s all been done before.[/quote]

    Well, personally, ^_~ I don’t hold with the postmodernist thought that everything’s been done before; we all just have to be a little more…well…creative with our experimentation! 😛 😀 :knickers:

    Don’t you think? ;-)[/quote]

    There’s always something new to discover, something new to learn from one another. The Simplest addition of a garment, a toy, a strap, a chain, a whp, or slightest difference in it’s use…mmm :wang: :kiss: 😛
    Actually, for those that are used to the props, lack thereof may intice the mind further into ecstasy. Even when you think you’ve done it all, there’s always something more to be discovered. It only depends on how lustful…determined…open-minded you are willing to allow you mind and body to be. 😛 😉

  14. [quote post=”3847″]happy canada day fellow canuckistanis [/quote]
    And a Happy Canada Day to you to Junkman! eh? And Stevie C. too n’est-ce pas? 😉

  15. [quote comment=”633852″][quote post=”3847″]happy canada day fellow canuckistanis [/quote]
    And a Happy Canada Day to you to Junkman! eh? And Stevie C. too n’est-ce pas? ;-)[/quote]

    Oui! I spent my holiday on a road trip. :wang:

  16. although humorous. (and i did laugh, a lot) this one almost goes over the border of bad taste. sorry, i had to be the one to say it…

  17. [quote comment=”633859″]although humorous. (and i did laugh, a lot) this one almost goes over the border of bad taste.

    sorry, i had to be the one to say it…[/quote]

    Dammit people, we’re going to have to up our game if we want to get over that border.

  18. [quote comment=”633870″][quote comment=”633859″]although humorous. (and i did laugh, a lot) this one almost goes over the border of bad taste.

    sorry, i had to be the one to say it…[/quote]

    Dammit people, we’re going to have to up our game if we want to get over that border.[/quote]

    You’re right! :wtf: ‘Almost’ only counts in hand grenades and horseshoes!! 😀

  19. [quote comment=”633859″]although humorous. (and i did laugh, a lot) this one almost goes over the border of bad taste.

    sorry, i had to be the one to say it…[/quote]
    wuh?

  20. so it’s true then? you people make fun of what you don’t understand?
    sorry but blasphemy is not funny… 😐

  21. [quote comment=”634141″]so it’s true then? you people make fun of what you don’t understand?
    sorry but blasphemy is not funny…

    :-|[/quote]
    Mmm, no. We make fun of it because we understand it. 😛

  22. [quote comment=”634141″]so it’s true then? you people make fun of what you don’t understand?
    sorry but blasphemy is not funny…

    :-|[/quote]

    You’re not from ’round these parts, are ya boy?

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