Risky things to do on Thanksgiving Day

  1. Stuff the turkey with packing peanuts
  2. Schedule the cable TV to be disconnected during the 3rd quarter of the game
  3. Replace your grandparents’ decaf with double espresso
  4. Melt double salt licorice in the mashed potatoes. You know, for kids!
  5. If asked to bring pie and whipped cream, show up naked under a trenchcoat with several cans of whipped cream. Pretend you thought it was a “different type of party.”
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33 Replies to “Risky things to do on Thanksgiving Day”

  1. :wtf:Change your entire radio station format to an all Christmas songs format and refuse to change it back until January 2nd. I shit you not… this has really happened here and I have lost all respect for my favorite radio station. These idiots are risking me slitting my wrists! :dead:

  2. Take out the hose and hose down everyone’s car. When they ask how their cars got coated in a layer of ice just tell them you were washing their cars.

    Sadly this only works if it’s cold enough out.

    Warning: May cause relatives to stay longer.

  3. when the turkey comes out, put it on top of a sharpened pole in the dining room. punch a fat, piggy in-law in the face and steal and break his/her glasses. grab a salad bowl and run around the room in a dish towel loin cloth screaming “i got the conch”. then ralph on those who don’t join you. :puke:

  4. Substitute Exlax for those dinner mints in the candy dish on the coffee table. If you do this soon enough in the day you’ll run off all those annoying family members and have leftovers for a week. If you wait too late, leave and find yourself a good sports bar for the ballgames. Let your family fight over squatter’s rights and soft TFP.
    AHAHA! Squatter’s rights, sometimes I crack my own ass up!
    Just kidding, HAPPY THANKSGIVING Davezilla dudes and dudettes! 😆

  5. Tell your in-laws how much you love them and cherish the time you spend together. Tell them that you need to spend more time together, if fact ask them to stay with you until Christmas is over. Say “no I insist you can have our bed we will make do.” “our house is your house, make your selves at home, can I get you anything, anything at all?” “Mom? would like a foot rub? Dad? Can I get you another drink?”
    Talk about a risky thing to do. They will either freak, or take you up on it.

  6. oh yeah. for all you merkins out there….just tell everyone you already celebrated thanksgiving with the canadians so you’re done. 😆 😀 😆 😀 😆

  7. Stay Sober past 9Am
    Fry the Turkey in the middle of the living room…again
    Announce in the middle of dinner that you have been diddling (insert name of in-law here)

  8. I’ve got one that actually happened….

    My father decided to do a turkey AND a ham one year…and when he makes his ham, his glaze is good ol’ Coke Classic(don’t knock it, it’s good)…well, after he did so, he couldn’t find the Coke can……to find out, he put the can in the turkey……

    Keep in mind, my dad like to drink……and he had about a dozen Miller Lite’s that morning……..

    We all had ham that year….

  9. Hide a firecracker in the cranberry sauce and when it goes off, fall from your chair in slow motion. You can later explain that this was simply a homage to your favorite director, Sam Peckinpah.

  10. Instead of cutting the turkey, just pull the meat off with your fingers. Be sure to lick them clean before serving everyone.

    Challenge the in-laws to a farting contest – during the meal.

    When asked to pass something, remember that overhand is preferred to underhand at the table.

    Be sure to set a place for the dog at the table.

    Sit the adults at the little table and the kids at the big table.

    Hire a drunk Santa to hand out coal to all the kids while telling them what a pain in the ass they’ve been this year.

    Hire a bartender and charge for the drinks, even if the guests brought them.

    When everyone is finishing their dessert and coffee, simply place the bills discretely beside each guest and let them know that yes, you do accept credit cards.

    Have your kids perform Equus or The Vagina Monologues as the evening’s entertainment.

    Try to score with your sister-in-law. If she resists, tell her that you thought she would be easy, just like her sister and mother.

  11. My wife’s family left the turkey attended by an Irish Setter and a cocker Spaniel during the pre-meal blessing. It was amazing how much those dogs could eat in a short period of time.

    Oh those Bumpass hounds!

  12. Tell your guests you don’t believe in the ritualistic slaughter of innocent birds and are serving Tofurky instead.
    Glaze the ham with something other than honey. :wtf:
    Freak out on acid and cook the dog instead of the turkey.
    When everyone says what they’re grateful for, say that you’re grateful you put marijuana in the stuffing.

  13. Inform all your guests that you’ve recently become a vegetarian and you can’t wait to see how they like the tofu turkey!

  14. [Comment ID #216168 will be quoted here]

    How about telling them Uncle Elmer will demonstrate
    his “Stuff the Turkey” trick with lucky relatives
    after dinner? 💡 :wang: :wang: 👿

  15. Actually had the dubious honor of doing this: Explain to a 5-year-old white boy, in front of 3 generations of his family, that:

    No, even though I’m the the only “real Indian” he knows, I don’t think Thanksgiving really IS the day
    that he should invite “anyone from the tribe” to come
    over & celebrate “the mutual holiday”.

    (I’d slowly-and foolishly- rambled into a conversation with him while the room filled up with great-grandmas,
    drunken uncles and increasingly concerned parental units. Apparently, the day before, his kindergarten teacher had led him to believe that Thanksgiving was
    a dual Caucasian/Indian holiday!)

    I think I’ll try something less nerve-wracking next time, like juggling radioactive razor-sharp shuriken, blindfolded, while unicycling backward through a minefield- on a triangular wheel- while balancing a great white shark on my nose…

  16. [Comment ID #216158 will be quoted here]

    Ooh! I shiver with delight – to find “merkin” used in a real sentence! The last time I encountered merkin was a SF short story, “The barbie doll murders”, about a clan of zealots, male and female, that had themselves surgically modified to resemble – the nekkid Barbie Doll!

    Only a pervert existed within the ranks of the cult, living communally on the moon. This wanker kept a secret merkin – a hairpiece for the pubic area – in a secluded locker ..

    A good friend pointed out that merkin is an *excellent* word to use to choose a new dictionary. The word is seldom used, and seldom looked up. But if the dictionary contains an entry for merkin, it will likely be a very good dictionary for regular use.

    I wonder if Victoria’s Secret has considered a line of merkins?

    Happy thanksgiving, and especially thanks for revisiting this venerable old word. And for reminding me of another word I learned at the same time I encountered merkin – firkin. Thanks!

  17. Jay,

    I helped a friend at a deer checkin station, helping hunters register their kill and issuing carcass tags. On the Oklahoma tag they have a space for Buck / Doe / Fawn. One hunter’s elementary school kid asked, “Why would you kill a fawn?” Skipping over the obvious answer, ‘for the tender meat!’, I explained that a ‘fawn’ in this case was a nearly adult deer born that year. The father thanked me – the question had snowed him under.

    As for the joint nature of Thanksgiving, I suspect as the kid gets older the nuances will be brought home – that since Europeans hit the ground here, they haven’t been able to manage a Thanksgiving *without* help. Which is not to say that the original hosts still think the idea is worthwhile ..

  18. 1. Tell them that the turkey was a real find at the dollar store…
    2. Put a few eggs in the turkey so that when you set it down at the table, they come out the back end…
    3. Instead of cranberry relish, tell them you’re serving “gentlemen’s relish”…
    4. Let your guests know how glad you are to finally be able to use that turkey you had kept in the back of the freezer for the past 6 years…
    5. Invite the ZillaGirls to dinner and ask “I’ve got the biggest drumstick. Who wants it?” :wang:
    6. Have Animal Planet on the tv in the background because you know they’ll be featuring shows about turkeys lovingly raising their young for your guests to enjoy during dinner…

    StevieC, #6 is kinda like Milo giving the blessing over the turkey, talking about how it is a gentle animal that’s capable of raising it’s young, but now it’s dead and we’re going to eat it. Doesn’t he end up outside on the porch with the turkey? 😆

    [Comment ID #216364 will be quoted here]
    Wouldn’t that be more gravy than stuffing? 😈

  19. Invite everyone over for Dinner.
    Have all the guset bring their favorite dish and set dinner for 4:30.
    Then…got to a movie and get back about 5:00
    It is risky either way…they will either break in and take over your house or they will leave and never speak to you again…Oh yea…you need to leave early enough to miss the early birds who always want to help in the kitchen.

    Good Luck to ALL and have a Happy Thanksgiving!!
    Bear

  20. [Comment ID #216404 will be quoted here]wow. that was cool. but if you asked the hillbilly in the previous days posting what nationality he was he would say “im merkin”. kinda like mcdonalds “melpu” (may i help you.
    :wtf:

  21. :wtf: Ask a relitive to be your third in a threesome with your husband the night before and then fight about it over Thanksgiving dinner the next day,…LOUDLY! 😈

  22. [Comment ID #216721 will be quoted here]

    I have some left-over mashed ‘taters and you’re
    welcome to roll. :wang: :wang: :boob: :boob: 😛

  23. Risky things to do?

    1. Leave the door open
    2. Invite your relative with their kids
    3. Cook for said relatives
    4. When it’s you turn, name afore mentioned
    relative one by one
    5. paly season appropriate music in the background

    okay you get the gist of it. what you are risking here is that these fools will miss the undertones of passive agressive messages you are sending out and that they will stay. then you will have to kill yourself for that.

    or

    invite a bunch of hobos (find non-merkins for easy pay), dress them up as indians and have them sit at the corner during diner and speak to no one. Sit back an watch every one squarm in their sits.

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