Physical Benefits of Jobs I’ve Held

Also known as “Why I hate 4AM”

  1. Paperboy: Over-developed left shoulder, crooked spine, ink-stained fingers, anxiety from waking up at 4AM to deliver papers
  2. Tropical Fish Store Clerk: Over-developed shoulders from carrying water buckets, wrinkled fingertips, permanently soaked Adidas, anxiety from staying up till 4AM checking pH levels of marine tanks
  3. Waiter: Over-developed left shoulder and strong wrists (from carrying trays), sore feet, grimace from holding back laughter when Midwesterners mispronounced common European dishes, anxiety from staying up till 4AM with side-work
  4. Punk Band Roadie: Ability to yell “Check, two, two” into mics at earsplitting levels, smokey hair, inhuman Guinness consumption, lungs caked with AquaNet, Djarum fixation, scalp burns from Clorox + Manic Panic home hair job, tolerance for occasional electrocution-by-beer-spill, anxiety from staying up till 4AM packing sticker-encrusted Anvil cases
  5. Industrial Band Keyboardist: See Punk Band Roadie, multiply X2, anxiety from waiting till 4AM to get paid by bar owner
  6. Cemetery Notary: Rigid posture, moderated voice level, anxiety from waking up at 4AM from Hellish nightmares
  7. Illustrator: Arthritic right hand, perma-hunch from drafting table, caffeine addiction, anxiety from staying up till 4AM re-working comps
  8. Sr. Information Architect: Hatred of small type, perma-squint, claw-like hand frozen in the shape of an Apple mouse, anxiety from staying up till 4AM correcting wireframes, ability to use words like “findability” with a straight face
  9. Social Media Director: Hatred of press releases, psychic ability to find WiFi hotspots, anxiety from staying up till 4AM reading Twitter feeds and defriending Facebook peeps

45 Replies to “Physical Benefits of Jobs I’ve Held”

  1. stripper: rock hard abs, glutes that could crack walnuts, perma-wedgie from small g strings, black eyes from asshole bouncers, scar where drunk fuck yuppie broke his shot glass on me, ultraviolet organs from weekly tanning sessions, crushed achilles from wearing 6″ heels for 5 years. glad i quit!!! :thong:

  2. Job. I had one of those once. Or … several. Useful for getting cash which I use to buy dope so that I can stay up till 4am watching SPACE. Tonight, it’s ENTERPRISE with Jolene Blalock :wang: and that Quantum Leap guy.

    Worst job was possibly one I took back in 83 after returning (the first time) from Chile. It was with an asshole who expected me to be STANDING while sorting orders — uh standing or sitting shouldn’t make a difference! There was also a F*ckhead whose idiot (and probably suicidal) son insisted on calling him 6 times an hour, and of course, I was the fool who had to answer the phone.

  3. So from what I gather Dave you’re now a smoke smelling, rigidly stooped, crooked-spined, insomniac with a grimacing squint, freakishly overdeveloped left shoulder, sore feet and an ink-stained right claw…….

    ..so basically if Dickens wrote a novel with Hellboy in it, you’d fit the bill perfectly.

  4. [quote comment=”628740″]So from what I gather Dave you’re now a smoke smelling, rigidly stooped, crooked-spined, insomniac with a grimacing squint, freakishly overdeveloped left shoulder, sore feet and an ink-stained right claw…….
    ..so basically if Dickens wrote a novel with Hellboy in it, you’d fit the bill perfectly.[/quote]
    ‘Bout sums it up, yeah. ❓

  5. [quote comment=”628734″]stripper: rock hard abs, glutes that could crack walnuts, perma-wedgie from small g strings, black eyes from asshole bouncers, scar where drunk fuck yuppie broke his shot glass on me, ultraviolet organs from weekly tanning sessions, crushed achilles from wearing 6″ heels for 5 years. glad i quit!!! :thong:[/quote]

    Each day you make me love you more. :wang:

  6. [quote comment=”628734″]stripper: rock hard abs, glutes that could crack walnuts, perma-wedgie from small g strings, black eyes from asshole bouncers, scar where drunk fuck yuppie broke his shot glass on me, ultraviolet organs from weekly tanning sessions, crushed achilles from wearing 6″ heels for 5 years. glad i quit!!! :thong:[/quote]
    Thanks For The Memories… :wang:

  7. salesman smile permanently plastered on his face agreeing to everything the idiot customer has to say….eye’s glazed like two pee holes in the snow…..body all crunched up from getting in and out of the car 30+ times a day….. arms longer than normal lifting and carrying samples to these people…. up till 4 AM processing and e-mailing orders as well as accounting for every minute of your 12 hour day

  8. Then – Baby-sitter: All the popsicles I want and access to the neighbours satellite TV. 😉

    Now – Photographer: Nevermind the crying babies and finicky mothers, I get to ogle all the hot guys that come in for passport photos and then check out their butts when they leave. :kiss:

  9. then…worked as a news director at a country music radio station in a small town for a mentally ill boss. knew it was a bad day when he pointed his toy brass cannon at me from across his desk. skills? can spot a deranged co-worker from a 100 miles away, know all the old school country songs (george jones, tammy wynette…)

    in between….dark side p.r. writing press releases (need a freelancer Dave?)

    now…work at a resource centre directing people to where to find help if they have a mentally ill boss, family member, co-worker etc.

    Full circle?

  10. [quote comment=”628734″]stripper: rock hard abs, glutes that could crack walnuts, perma-wedgie from small g strings, black eyes from asshole bouncers, scar where drunk fuck yuppie broke his shot glass on me, ultraviolet organs from weekly tanning sessions, crushed achilles from wearing 6″ heels for 5 years. glad i quit!!! :thong:[/quote]
    Thanks for the memories? THANKS FOR THE MAMMARIES! And that lovely, lovely ass. God love ya for sharing what the good Lord give ya.

  11. par?ent [pair-uhnt, par-] Show IPA
    –noun
    1. a father or a mother.
    2. an ancestor, precursor, or progenitor.
    3. a source of money for offspring
    4. Method, a delivery system devised by children.
    5. Biology. any organism that is produced by said off spring has to be cleaned up
    6. Physics. the first 4 minute mile had nothing on a parent
    7. Time, 4am the optimum time for ringing a parent to bring offspring home

    –adjective
    8. being the original source: a parent must respond to said call out at 4am.
    9. Biology. pertaining to a cell phone, or complex other molecular structure that generates or produces another: parent to respond at 4am.

    –verb (used with object)
    10. to be or act as parent of: to parent children with both money and shelter.

    Origin:
    1375–1425; late ME (< MF) < L parent- (s. of par?ns), n. use of prp. of parere to bring forth, breed

    Related forms:
    par?ent?less, adjective
    par?ent?like, adjective

  12. yoga teacher: long lean muscles, joints that can bend really far, and the ability to partially dislocate my hips. directly responsible for current job:

    mom

  13. [quote comment=”628734″]stripper: rock hard abs, glutes that could crack walnuts, perma-wedgie from small g strings, black eyes from asshole bouncers, scar where drunk fuck yuppie broke his shot glass on me, ultraviolet organs from weekly tanning sessions, crushed achilles from wearing 6″ heels for 5 years. glad i quit!!! :thong:[/quote]

    I find myself looking at those walnuts with an incredible sense of envy! :wang:

  14. Website Owner: Over developed finger muscles from pounding keyboard. Ability to palm and pick up bowling balls, watermelons, small cars with well developed mouse hand. Bloodshot eyes that resemble pissholes in the snow from staring at the monitor too much. Lack of sleep from waking up at 4am wondering “Are they going to catch that I posted a link to a video that I linked to 6 years ago?” Nervous tick in one eye from digesting all those horrible pictures, videos, and links sent to him that didn’t make it to the site and probably shouldn’t have seen the light of day at all. 😉

  15. Lab jockey for a solvent factory.
    Pretty cool job on some levels – I’d just arrive every morning, open a few bottles, inhale and the rest of the day flew by. The physical benefits were the ability to drool, blur my vision and forget my name on command. Many a zany adventures were had trying to find my way home after work – I only wish I could remember any of them.

  16. -i think my worst job ever was at the a & p bakery. when they made old fashioned bread they put metal covers on the bread pans with the dough in them and they moved through the 4000 sq.ft oven on a conveyor system. my job was to stand inside the oven and make sure the lids stayed on. as a result i now have the ability to bake!

  17. then: EMT – Baltimore, MD. coolest Job, places to go, people to see (attend) word to be called!!!!, 4AM junk food to be had,
    skills: ability to drive up the 95 on sleep mode, get to base turn in rig and hop into own car in the same mode and get home safe. other skills: hear all kinds of hate words see all kinds of ungodly sights, get no thanks for job well done and keep working at it like it’s the first day after a nice vacation.

    now: moved countries, work at a dead end job as (door mat) thanks to previous training: i answer all phone calls with straight face and a smile, welcome all clients like am glad they are here, take blame for sh*t that was done in my absence and find solutions as best as possible, run (personal) errands for a brain-dead boss, get blamed some more, lose sleep at 4am due to residual effects of time switch and general insomnia, get emasculated on a regular and keep working like it’s the first day after a lovely vacation (economy recession is a bitch!)

  18. i just remembered i used to do strip-o-grams and i would show up in a gorilla suit (this has nothing to do with the avatar). i would dance one song in the suit and then begin removing parts of the suit second song and you can guess how the third song went down. the gorilla suit was like the a & p bakery oven and this was in south carolina. so again i have the ability to bake! 👿

  19. [quote comment=”628778″]Website Owner: Bloodshot eyes that resemble pissholes in the snow from staring at the monitor too much. [/quote]
    LOL, now I have something to blame it on other then a long night of Vodka! Mine is the perma-grin from trying to get people”to tour our new resort” Blech! :puke:

  20. bec i would like to tour your new resort and you don’t need the perma grin……..the cleavage is all any zilla guy would need! :boob: :boob:

  21. [quote comment=”628734″]stripper: rock hard abs, glutes that could crack walnuts, perma-wedgie from small g strings, black eyes from asshole bouncers, scar where drunk fuck yuppie broke his shot glass on me, ultraviolet organs from weekly tanning sessions, crushed achilles from wearing 6″ heels for 5 years. glad i quit!!! :thong:[/quote]

    I thought those glutes looked familiar. Many a $ went there.

  22. Junkman…They are DD’s…they’re “my girls” I’ll get you better pics soon if you want. Oh yeah, that isn’t all I have…

  23. [quote comment=”628804″]Junkman…They are DD’s…they’re “my girls” I’ll get you better pics soon if you want. Oh yeah, that isn’t all I have…[/quote]
    woot :wang: :love:

  24. [quote comment=”628734″]stripper: rock hard abs, glutes that could crack walnuts, perma-wedgie from small g strings, black eyes from asshole bouncers, scar where drunk fuck yuppie broke his shot glass on me, ultraviolet organs from weekly tanning sessions, crushed achilles from wearing 6″ heels for 5 years. glad i quit!!! :thong:[/quote]

    [quote comment=”628804″]Junkman…They are DD’s…they’re “my girls” I’ll get you better pics soon if you want. Oh yeah, that isn’t all I have…[/quote]

    I totally forgot what this thread was all about… A blown mind is a terrible thing to concentrate with! Bec, I’ll speak for Junkman and all other red blooded guys on this site: WE WANT!!! :boob: :boob: 😉

    Dave, since you have a gallery of cd covers, how about a gallery of ZillaGirl covers (or UNcovers as it may be)?

  25. [quote comment=”628815″]Yeah, I definately consider myself a zilla girl now ~ k? I promise more…[/quote]

    You’ve got us lined up and panting … kind of our way of saying that we consider you a zilla girl too. Be prepared to be worshipped. And saluted. :wang:

  26. [quote comment=”628815″]Yeah, I definately consider myself a zilla girl now ~ k? I promise more…[/quote]
    Welcome aboard :kiss: 😉 :wang:

  27. Is it legal if I don’t have any ‘doilies’ covering my nips? Or maybe just a bra and panties pic…?

  28. [quote comment=”628840″]Is it legal if I don’t have any ‘doilies’ covering my nips? Or maybe just a bra and panties pic…?[/quote]

    If it’s too naughty, we promise to close our eyes. Okay, maybe just one of them. 😉

    Be sure to send any hi-res pics to the Zillaman himself for distribution. :wang:

  29. [quote comment=”628842″]Well, Dave is the boss…so I should send him naughty pics to get them approved? ;-)[/quote]

    You’re a zillagirl so any :boob: :boob: :thong: pics have already been pre-approved. That said, it is our duty as zillaguys to ensure the quality of the digital image.

    Dave, you have my email address. Be sure to use it.

  30. [quote comment=”628844″]Well, then boobies will be on your way as soon as I get a cell phone… :boob: :boob:[/quote]
    FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SOMEONE GET THIS GIRL A CELLPHONE STAT!!!!!! 😉

  31. [quote comment=”628845″][quote comment=”628844″]Well, then boobies will be on your way as soon as I get a cell phone… :boob: :boob:[/quote]
    FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SOMEONE GET THIS GIRL A CELLPHONE STAT!!!!!! ;-)[/quote]
    FOR THE LOVE OF GOD – SOMEONE GET ME A SEDATIVE – MAKE THAT TWO TEQUILAS – WHAT ARE YOU HAVING? (BESIDES BEC?)

  32. Mandy, is Bec a long lost sister or something like that? I sure hope so! For someone who just joined the ranks (and there’s nothing rank here…) of the Zilla Girls, this girl learns QUICK! Interesting that our esteemed Davezilla hasn’t joined in this yet. Must be busy. That or he’s already gotten the pics and isn’t advertising it yet… 😀

    BTW: Junkman, are you thinking of becoming a sugar daddy? 😆

  33. LOL, I can do it! Hey, I am an original Upstate NY-er. But, now I am a South Carolina girl, so it is in my blood either way! Trust me, more is to come! 😀

  34. [quote comment=”628868″]LOL, I can do it! Hey, I am an original Upstate NY-er. But, now I am a South Carolina girl, so it is in my blood either way! Trust me, more is to come! :D[/quote]
    Did someone just say come?

Comments are closed.