asshole cats

My Asshole Cats

My Asshole Cats

  1. …Refuse to chase their toys until I’m in 4th stage REM sleep.
  2. …Only get nauseous when the floor is clean. And only on the hardwood.
  3. …Are responsible for 99% of all poltergeist activity in the lower 48 states.
  4. …Inform me their claws need trimming when they are sitting on my crotch.
  5. …Allow my baby to pull their hair, slap them and bite their heads. If I so much as pet them too close to their tails, I lose a vital organ.
  6. …Love our cranky old Pug, but are plotting the slow, painful death of our gentle Italian Greyhound.
  7. …Want to decimate every wild bird outside, but have no interest killing indoor spiders.
  8. …Can pick locks with the skill of a hardened ex-con.
  9. …Shit next to their litter box.

I have a quwestion

Thank you for your patience! Your AT&T Representative will be with you shortly.
Welcome! You are now chatting with ‘Vanessa
Vanessa: Hi David, Thanks for chatting, let me help you with your concern
Dave: thank you
Vanessa: Your welcome!
Dave: You’re, not your.
Vanessa: I’m not sure what you mean.
Dave: You wrote “Your welcome”, but you should have written “You’re welcome.”
Vanessa: Do you have a quwestion?
Dave: No, but I have a question.
Vanessa: ok. Please inform me once done.
Dave: Once what’s done?
Vanessa: Go ahead
Dave: What?
Vanessa: I see. So everything is ok now
Vanessa: Or you would still want me to assist you in doing it?
Dave: I haven’t asked a question yet. Or even a quwestion.
Vanessa: Ok let me verify that
Dave: I didn’t ask. Scroll back up.
Vanessa: No problem
Vanessa: Is there anything else that I can assist you on your wireless account?
Dave: Yes, I’d like to ask a QUESTION.
Vanessa: I can see how that can be frustrating for you.
Dave: Um, yes?
Dave: I just want to know why I am not getting a paper bill when two months ago, I requested to receive paper bills again.
Vanessa: change settings
Dave: What?
Vanessa: When you click profile, scroll down till you get Billing contact info
Vanessa: I am seeing that you made the request in December. You must be patient. It takes up to 48 hours to process.
Dave: It’s the last day of January. I think we’re well past the 48 hour mark.
Vanessa: I can see how that can be frustrating for you.
Dave: sigh…
Dave: Can you perhaps direct me to the page on the site where I can change that.
Vanessa: When you click profile, scroll down till you get Billing contact info
Vanessa: Then change settings
Dave: Thank you
Vanessa: Your welcome.
Vanessa: j/k You’re welcome. See I’m learning!!
Dave: Word.


My easily attainable 2014 New Years Resolutions

I make resolutions with the bar set really low, so I can attain them.

  1. I resolve never to purchase a Perfect Polly™ this year. Or any year.
  2. I resolve not to eat my fellow travelers if we’re stranded in the Arctic.
  3. Expanding on that last one, I resolve not to go anywhere I could possibly fall into a canyon (alone) and be forced to saw off my own hand.
  4. I resolve not to defect to a Communist nation.
  5. I resolve not to use my spit to hold my daughter’s hair in place.
  6. I resolve not to punch a Great White Shark in the face.
  7. But I do resolve to throat-punch anyone who plays What Does Fox The Say in my vicinity.
  8. I resolve not to learn Hungarian this year.
  9. I resolve not to vote for Rob Ford.