Open letter to Scented Candle Makers

To whom it may concern,

I, like many American citizens, enjoy purchasing scented candles as a means to lighten the mood of a room, whether to herald the change of season, or perhaps to get laid. As a long-time purchaser of scented candles, I find myself qualified to venture an opinion or two on your industry.

In the hot dog industry, hot dogs come in packs of six or ten. Hot dog buns come in packs of eight. No matter what you do, you’re screwed with two extra. Your industry seems to have the same deal worked out with candlestick makers. Candles are never the same diameter as the candlestick holders. Pick a size. Please. I’m sick of shaving candlesticks to make them fit.

There’s another thing that bothers me. It’s the scents. Some candles really nail it; when guests arrive they swear you have apple cider simmering on the stove or a bowl of ripe pears. But most fail to live up to this. In fact, many are downright frightening. Some examples:

  1. Sandalwood: The day you burn sandalwood, your home smells exotic and sexy. Five hours later, one would swear a male cat has marked its territory and set fire to its musk.
  2. Patchouli: OK, I’m going to say what I think millions of people are afraid to say in fear of not seeming cool. Patchouli fucking stinks. As far as I can tell, the recipe seems to be dirt, poop and sweat.
  3. Sea Foam: If by “Sea” you mean, The Dead Sea, and by “Foam” you mean Lysol Tub and Basin Cleaner, then OK. I stand corrected.
  4. Mountain Fresh: Clearly a bullshit name that really covers that fact that it’s not a scent known to nature. I mean, what is mountain fresh? The smell of rock? Lichen? Moss? Goats?
  5. Baked Cookies: First of all, the geniuses who came up with this scent could only be Real Estate Agents in a last ditch attempt to make banal condominiums feel like as if well-adjusted families could actually stand living there. Face it. No one has ever trapped this scent. At best, these candles smell like baked Play-Doh rolled in pimento.

Hope you can work on this.

Sincerely,
Davezilla

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17 Replies to “Open letter to Scented Candle Makers”

  1. I’m a firm believer that real men don’t need candles to scent a room. It all depends on lunch.

  2. [Comment ID #172522 will be quoted here]

    Glade plugins will make you rip out your nostrils and scream for the devil to take you away from the pain.

  3. [Comment ID #172522 will be quoted here] And when she says ‘puppet launcher’ she is of course referring to the meat puppet! What a doll. Thanks for bringing brightness into an otherwise dreary Sunday.
    And same thing goes for carpet fresh. That stuff clogs my sinuses beyond belief.
    Anybody that burns patchouli is trying to cover the scent of smoking dope, end of story.

  4. What about candles that smell great the first time you use them and after that they pretty much smell like plain melted wax.
    Dave- Don’t shave the candle- you’ll slice your finger. Apply candle wax to the holder and place the candle in while it is still melted. If you don’t like that idea use handy tack ( that yellow stuff used to hang posters in dorms) it will work great.

  5. [Comment ID #172534 will be quoted here]

    Ditto

    I’ve never heard a n y o n e get so worked up about candles they’d practically write a dissertation on it. That was brutal.

  6. Give me flowers over scented candles any day, thank you. And “Mountain Fresh” smells like soap. Seriously, if I wanted my living room to smell like my shower, I’d stick a wick in a bar of soap and light it.

  7. [Comment ID #172594 will be quoted here]

    Well, that puts me in a mind to question the value of “sports scent” deodorant. If I wanted my pits to smell like a locker room…

  8. [Comment ID #172601 will be quoted here]

    Ha Ha! I’ve actually thought this out loud while looking at the Irish Spring Sport bar soap at Wal-Mart…
    Then realizing where I was, set it down and calmly and quickly walked out before I decided to act on my deep seeded desires to go columbine on wal-mart shoppers. AAAAHHHH!!!!

    I hate Rasp/Blueberry anything. It’s so misleading. You think you’ll smell at least a hint of berries but Noooo…

  9. How about those ‘Fragrance Discs’ that you stick in a ‘player’ and the smell changes. I see the ads for those and i think of the discs from Ice Pirates with the rain and lightning/thunder… :wtf:

  10. If scent names truly had to reflect the aroma:

    Pachouli = bong water spilled on unwashed ass
    Mountain fresh = vinegar & pine bark with a hint of bear dung
    Ocean mist = Red tide at the dead sea
    Hollyberry = All of my grandmother’s perfumes combined and add horseradish

  11. [Comment ID #172938 will be quoted here]
    Instead of hollyberry, wouldn’t most guys prefer the smell of a HalleBerry candle? 😈

  12. [Comment ID #172945 will be quoted here]

    Well then I guess I’d better return that beer-scented candle I bought the other day. I’ll hold onto the pizza-scented one.

Comments are closed.