Note to Self, No. 6,001

The next time you travel, you are not letting your black cat play inside the suitcase while you pack, ensuring your white shirt will be coated in black fur. Also check that you have removed any chocolates from your suitcase that may inexplicably get stuck on your pants when you press them with the hotel’s cheap iron.

Looks like someone borked the comments on this post. Trying to fix them. Your patience is greatly underappreciated.

103 Replies to “Note to Self, No. 6,001”

  1. maybe your cat saw the picture’s of them fuzzy boots and wanted to make a shirt to go with them…or…maybe thats what happened to her 2 cats after they tried to get in her suitcase….in a fit of rage she stomped them and then as an after thought “hey these dont look too bad…” recheck them pictures see if u can see a tail….. :wtf:

  2. i love how you can only check on the conference proceedings if “you are a nigerian”. typical πŸ˜•

  3. I wouldn’t be so quick to conclude that the stuff stuck to your pants is chocolate. With your cat playing in your suitcase I wouldn’t be surprised if he decided to give you something to remember him by on your trip.

    about the link: Where -oh where! -do I sign up! I’d like to learn how to write better emails and earn more moneys! Did you guys see they have a “the effectiveness of using all uppercase characters” workshop? That’s exactly what I need, I never know what words need emphasizing. Too bad I’m not nigerian, I’d be rolling in the moneys by now.

    BTW I love lips! Lips are awesome!
    Start with some :kiss:
    them out comes a :boob:
    and maybe we’ll play with a :wang: for a bit

  4. There is only one solution: change the cat to match your shirts or change your shirts to match te cat.
    I recomment the first one … it’s cheaper. 😈

  5. I’m not sure but I think a black cat in your suitcase is an old Hungarian bad luck curse. Better watch out there, Dave. Don’t want any old Hungarians cursing at you. Not a pretty sight.
    Speaking of pretty sights….I love Fran.

  6. HELLO DAVEZILLA
    IAM COMMING TO MAKE A WONDERFULL PROPOSITION TO YOU. I AM THE CURRENTLY DEPOSED KING OF TOLEDO. I HAVE OVER $19 THAT I NEED HELD IN AN AMERIKAN BANK. I NEED YOUR HELP TO HOLD THIS MONEY FOR A SHORT TIME. PLEASE DEPOSIT $90,000 US TO EQUAL $19 OHIO AND YOUR REWARD WILL BE FREE BEER AND 7 VIRGINS IN HEAVEN. YOUR URGENT HELP IS NEEDED.
    YOURS,
    HIS HIGHNESS,
    MIKEB ESQ

  7. Dunno, but I hear they’re a big ticket item in heaven.

    Oh yeah, the guitar god link was a hoot.

    πŸ™‚

  8. I liked the “Hand-on” session. Apparently, there are a lot of one-armed bandits in Nigeria, all with email accounts.

  9. I wonder what the “Arkansasans” thought of you with with a furry white shirt.(I am assuming you were on the same trip)
    Or maybe you were on your way to the Nigerian E-mail Conference. I am quite sure you could use a few e-mail tips. I would have loved to have gone and had the free breakfast of crickets.Do you think they had coffee soup as well? We have indeed come a long way infant child!!

    Heres to Angelina’s lips!!

  10. Also do not allow small children with teething biscuits near said suitcase either. Those are fun to explain stuck to the back of your pants too. :puke:

  11. Kitty just wanted to let you know that there were chocolates loose in your bag. The cat fur was there to stop them from sticking to anything else!

  12. [Comment ID #31169 will be quoted here]

    I agree…bring back the thong…it was a hot pic!

    As for the cat…if you leave him in your suitcase, of course by “accident” and then put them on the airplane on your way to Nigeria, I guarantee that the cat won’t be a problem on the next trip…I hear Nigerian Airways has interesting meals besides just crickets and locusts. I’ve never been able to figure out roadkill at 37,000 feet… πŸ˜›

  13. [Comment ID #31295 will be quoted here]

    Sorry, honey, but I am not ignorant. I am registered as Non-Partisan. I am Christian, neither rich or poor, and I am happy………..most of the time.

  14. And please, continue enjoying your happiness! Just please do it without using phone useless “surveys” to deliberately make others feel low due to their race, financial status, location, or political party.

  15. [Comment ID #31374 will be quoted here]

    Thanks Nikki, I will enjoy my happiness. And a “useless survey” has nothing to do with it. I just thought it was a rather amusing article and maybe someone else would too. (I mean……..we are talking about people who have commented on astral bodies this week.) I was definitely NOT trying to make ANYONE feel low….I can’t do that anyway, I am not that powerful. Only YOU can make your self feel ANY WAY…….even low. And I apoligize if I offended you.

    (My Nigerian E-mail Conference is paying off)

  16. Wow, I guess you have to be of some special clique to be noticed on here huh? Oh well, guess I will just be like the proverbial bad penny that keeps showing up and NEVER going away!!!! πŸ‘Ώ

  17. Maybe you could have got the cat a shave and the shirt waxed at the barbershop in the hotel, as for the pants maybe a good spot cleaning under the running water (hot) of course.

  18. Hey Dave – check out this website – I think it is the American version of the Nigerian one. I got a lesson on how to e-mail the right way in my e-mail today.
    Maybe not the American version, but if this works for anyone please let me know.
    http://www.Profits-Web.com/pips.htm.

  19. The ringleader of the Nigerian Email Gang is JFLY. I know she looks white, but Nigerianess comes from within. Her posts contain sublimal hypnotic messages. Pleased be advised…. Send her mooooney, moooney, mooooney, ooooh. LOL

    Never answer the door with your tarantula on your head. You’ll be surprised how many people run scared. πŸ‘Ώ

  20. My favorite part of the Conference is:
    Breakfast Kickoff Session:
    Your choice: A hard boiled egg, or two slices of white bread and a cricket.

  21. The part about having restrooms “in the hotel please use them” coincides with the luxury of running water. Very modern indeed.

  22. [Comment ID #31425 will be quoted here]

    I’m only singling out Mitch because I know he HATES Republicans. But I am cool with Mitch……..I even posted a joke for HIM about a robot and Bush and he THANKED me for keeping up a good fight! I mean I LOVE Mitch………but , alas……..he loves Fran. And I think you love him too, or else you WOULDN’T be defending him so much. SO THERE! (still love the Nigerian e-mail conference, even though I have still made no moneys)

  23. All you moneyz belong to us…

    Let me see if I have this right….
    Top 7 signs you are miserable….
    1. You are a Democrat
    2. You hate religion and all it stands for
    3. You are shit poor
    4. You are black (inside or out)
    5. You are Single
    6. You own a bird
    7. You live in the rust belt

    Now lets try this in a sentence…

    That crazy Mitch who registered Democrat in Ohio, pissed on the stairs of the church when he realized he had no money, no woman and his inner black man was planning on eating his pet bird for dinner.

    Wait I thought it was pick on Mitch day…sorrry about that Mitch πŸ‘Ώ

  24. I’ve noticed that anything to do with wax would make an interesting subject for some… Not all but some… :wang: :boob: and on that note let me give you all something to read to verify which list you would be in… like or dislike. πŸ˜†

    I know it is long but didn’t know how to put it on a “link”~~~~~~
    Not for the kids..
    For you Gals, sort of blunt…but i laughed so hard…

    Subject: Shaving vs Wax

    Kinda long, but totally worth reading…. I think most women have had scarey moments “kinda” like this… HAHA!

    All methods have tricked me with their promises of easy, painless removal the Epilady, the standard razor, the scissors, the Nair, the EpilStop, and now ..The Wax.

    My night began as any other normal weekday night. I came home from work, fixed dinner for my son and we played for a while. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next couple hours: maybe I should use that wax in my medicine cabinet. I set up my boy with a video and head to the site of my demise, um, I mean bathroom.

    It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the clear strips in your hand, peel them apart, press it on your leg (or wherever) and ignore the frantically rising crescendo of string instruments in the background. No muss, no fuss. How hard can this be? I mean, I’m not the girly-est of girls but I’m mechanically inclined so maybe I can figure out how this works. You’d think.

    So I pull one of the thin strips out. It’s two strips facing each other, stuck together. I’m supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and soften the wax (I’m guessing). I go one better: I pull out the hair dryer and heat the SOB to ten thousand degrees. Cold wax, my ass. (Oh, how that phrase will come back to haunt me.)

    I lay the strip across my thigh. I hold the skin around it and pull. OK, so it wasn’t the best feeling in the world, but it wasn’t bad. I can do this Hair removal no longer eludes me!

    I am Sheera, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire! With my next wax strip, I move north. After checking on the boy and verifying that he was, in fact, becoming one with Bear and learning all about smells, I sneak into the bathroom for The Ultimate Hair Fighting Championship.

    I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I then apply the wax strip across the right side on my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching up into the inside of the right ass cheek. (Yeah, it was a long strip.)

    I inhale deeply. I brace myself… RRRIIIIPPP!!!! I’m blind! Blind from the pain!… Vision returning. Oh crap. I’ve managed to pull off half an inch of the strip. Another deep breath. And RIIIP! Everything is swirly and tie-dyed? Do I hear crashing drums? OK, coming back to normal again. I want to see my trophy – my wax covered pelt that caused me so much agony. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold the wax strip like an Olympic gold medallist. But why is there no hair on it? Why is the wax mostly gone? Where could the wax go, if not on the strip?

    Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot still perched on the toilet. I see hair – the hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I feel. I am touching wax. I look to the ceiling and silently shout “nooooooo!!” And realize I have just begun living my own personal version of “The Tar Baby.”

    I feel the softest, most sensitive part of my body that is now covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the next big mistake – up until this point, you’ll remember, I’ve had my foot on the toilet. I know I need to move, to do something. So I put my foot down on the floor. And then I hear the slamming of the cell door.

    Vagina? Sealed shut. Ass? Sealed shut.

    A little voice in my head says “I hope you don’t have to shit anytime soon. Your head just might pop off.” I penguin walk around the bathroom trying desperately to figure out what I should do next.

    Hot water! Hot water melts wax! I’ll run the hottest water I can stand and get in – the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it away, right? Wrong.

    I get in the tub – the water is slightly hotter than is used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment. And I sit.

    Now the only thing worse than having your goodies glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of a tub. In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax.

    So now I’m stuck to the tub. I call my friend, C, because she once dropped out of beauty school so surely she has some secret knowledge or trick to get wax off skin. It’s never good to start a conversation with “So my ass and goodies are stuck to the tub.” She doesn’t have a trick.

    She does her best to suppress laughter. She wants to know exactly where the wax is on the ass. “Are we talking cheek or hole, here?” she asks. She isn’t even trying to hide the giggles now. I give her the run-down of the entire night.

    She tells me to call the number on the side of the box, but to have a good cover story for where the wax actually is. “You know that if we were working the help line at XX Wax Co. and somebody called with their entire crack sealed shut we’d just put them on hold then record the conversation for everyone we know. You’re going to end up on a radio show or the internet if you tell them the truth.

    ” While we go through various solutions, I have resorted to scraping the wax off with a razor. Boy, nothing feels better to the girly goodies than covering them in wax, sticking them to a tub in super hot water and THEN dry shaving the sticky wax off!

    In the middle of the conversation (which has inexplicably turned to other subjects!) I find the little, beautiful saving grace that is the lotion provided with wax to remove the excess. I rub some in and start screaming “It’s working! It’s working!” I get hearty congratulations from C and we hang up.

    I successfully remove all the wax and notice, to my dismay, that the hair is still there. So I shaved the damned stuff off. Hell, I was numb by that point anyway. And then I put the box of wax back in my medicine cabinet. Never know when a moustache might start to come in.

    Tonight, I attempt hair dying.

  25. I think I may be in love with peaches, and I wish mitch the best but please dont pee on my church (Im in Dayton Ohio)

  26. [Comment ID #31481 will be quoted here]

    LMAO……….Finally someone with a sense of humor today.

    [Comment ID #31498 will be quoted here]

    Bob………I love you too!!

  27. No, Tabbie, that had me laughing my ass off! Hate to admit it, but an ex-girlfriend of mine had a similar situation, and then tried to make it better by getting my stupid ass to do it too!!! :wtf:

    Do you ever get the feeling that you’re just talking to yourself? Me too…you’re not alone, k? πŸ˜›

  28. Nigerians don’t need email help. I get 10 emails a day from attorneys who have a dead client who has the same last name as mine, who left 10,000,000 ( 10 million) dollar and has no next of kin.

    What they need is a new scam. There can’t possibly be THAT many people who kicked in Nigeria with the same last name as mine. If so, note to self. DON”T go to nigeria.

  29. I too have gotten several emails from Nigeria stating someone with the same last name as mine has keeled and I should send such and such including my bank account numbers, credit card number, etc to recieve a rather large lump sum of money. Funny part is the last name I am using isn’t even my maiden name!!!! It is my ex husbands!!!! I agree with tenderflower DON’T GO!! Stay away from there!

  30. Okay, so besides the link, why are we all bashing Nigeria today? πŸ˜€
    Stop the violins…
    visualize whirled peas!
    C’mon, I know we can all do it!!! :troll:

  31. And for whatever sad bastard that first said “Can’t we all just get along?” I hate you!!!! 😈

  32. Tabbie, your story is much worse than mine. The first, which would be the last time I got a brazilian wax, I was bruised for at least two weeks. So I had these bruises that were perfect little strip shapes around my uh.. stuff. By the way, I’ve enjoyed reading your funniness today.

  33. It’s just the thing to do for today… Maybe tomorrow Dave will find us some little scaly lizard like things to bash or anorexic guinea pigs…

    note: no offense to any scaly lizard like things or anorexic guinea pigs intended… πŸ˜›

  34. i get a kick out of giving them false names and bank accounts and when they write me back sayin there was a problem i tell them “why cause you couldnt get my money ” stupid people are the only ones who fall for this. i got one guy so mad that he actually broke dopwn and told me he was gonna kid nap me:wtf:
    wait a minute someone at my door….

  35. What kind of ice cream in the dirt trick is it to replace your butt avatar with a barbie’s face, Mandy?

    I am the people, so the people have spoken.

  36. [Comment ID #31553 will be quoted here]

    Thank you Traci but it wasn’t actually me in the story i was emailed that and I laughed for at days every time I thought about it especially since I had just bought said type of wax!!!! I did however have a horrible experience with an Epilady… :wtf: NEVER AGAIN… To this day if I see one in a garage sale or thrift store I cringe!!!

  37. I have succeeded!!! I officially cleared the house of the brother in law, his girlfriend and they took the baby with them!!!! I can’t stop laughing, they can’t get any sleep so they decided to go to town!!!! I am ALONE at last!!!! WHOOO-HOOO

  38. [Comment ID #31559 will be quoted here]

    Why does everyone want the :thong: back? Dave? Bueller? Anyone?

  39. [Comment ID #31569 will be quoted here]
    What is that like?? It must be wonderful… I have 2 living with me
    By the way thank you so much for all the laughter today it was much needed πŸ˜†

  40. [Comment ID #31608 will be quoted here]

    Sorry, dude, but I can’t stand that kind of talk…I believe in equality…especially since I grew up as one of the few whites (haoles) in my town…I find your comment extremely offensive, and since I have been reading davezilla I have never seen such a hateful comment! I can’t believe that people like you still exist! :puke:

  41. Ok , Nikki…………go after justjim……….get him……….

    And Mandy, even I liked the butt better.

  42. Mandy asked, “Why does everyone want the :thong: back?

    Actually, Mandy, this is a two-part question.

    The first part is “Why?”

    This is a question that has troubled humankind since the beginning of time. Philosophies and religions have been built around this very question. Civilizations have been created and have fallen because of it. It is, perhaps, the most mind-boggling imponderable ever conceived.

    The second part, “Does everyone want the :thong: back?”

    YES.

  43. Oh yeah, back on topic.

    Mandy, that arse pic was just terrific, so it gets my vote to make a return, although the final choice of an avatar that tells us who you are the best, is of course entirely at your discretion.

    :thong:

  44. [Comment ID #31692 will be quoted here]

    Thank you Dave, I was really hoping that I was not alone on that one, but I still had to make a stand even if I had been the one being kicked out…

  45. [Comment ID #31704 will be quoted here]

    Oh fine. Twist my thong. Er, arm. I have to find that again. Buried in the pr0n stash somewheres :kiss:

  46. Hey Nikki…………we do agree on something. Humor is one thing, but thanks Dave, I couldn’t stand to come back to your blog with such a racist!! I am the first one to make fun of myself, albeit I am a country bumkin and all, but DAMN………..that justjim went way to far to be funny!! Thanks for taking out the trash!!

  47. Sorry my puter decided to die for a few hours…. I was trying to post on the harshness of the unnamed one…. Luckily someone else did it for me. I also intened to thank all of you for the laughs today. I always get quite a few chuckles from you guys on here!!!

    And Mandy~~~~ the :thong: is the BOMB!!! I have to admit!!!

  48. [Comment ID #31851 will be quoted here]

    Do I curtsy or flash my buns? Don’t answer that. I already know. :dead:

  49. [Comment ID #31787 will be quoted here]

    I like to take bigots to a club in Atlanta where they have black drag queens singing songs. It is great to see the expressions on their faces.
    πŸ˜†

  50. Ok, I haven’t been able to check the site out for a couple of days. I know why Iwas threatened for being banned(becasue I threatened someone, which I shouldn’t have, my mistake), but now I see that justjim is gone, disappeared without a trace, poof, got his ass kicked out, banned forever, etc…WHAT DID I MISS HERE!?!?! Someone please fill me in, or a simple “not really worth mentioning” comment would suffice. I see The Zilla calling him a bigot. Such harsh description, wished I knew what the hell was going on with this. Dave, please tell me what’s up with the abduction of justjim. And on a less serious note about it(considering I don’t know what’s going on), I guess we all know why he called himself “justjim”, because of his attitude, his love life will always be “justjim”…sorry, too tired to make too much sense tonight.

  51. There’s no reason to rehash this. Also, this site performs disturbingly well on search engines. I’d hate to think that someone looking for hate-speech may stumble upon this site.

    I am open about what people discuss here: politics, religion, sexuality, hygiene (or lack of!). I draw the line at bigotry, violence and misogyny. You go there, you go somewhere else. Cool?

  52. Why cant we all just get along???White, black, gay, straight. We are all the same in Gods eyes!!(tabbie- loved that story. I think I peed my pants!!!)

  53. Glad to have caused laundry issues for someone!!! I have plenty to do with the cat hair problems that Dave mentioned and the chocolates and so on. I think it is only fair. πŸ˜†

  54. [Comment ID #32454 will be quoted here]

    Cool, Captain. That’s the “not really worth mentioning” that I was looking for that I put in my post. Thank you. I understand you completely, Dave.

    Note to self No. 1, the Master Solace Edition—don’t post something to Davezilla that might get you abducted by the same aliens that took the damn cows.

    Oh and by the way, Dave, out of sheer wonder and amazement, what do you mean by “hygiene (or lack of!). And if it is something that I also really don’t need to know, please tell me so, I promise I won’t ask too many…uh…stupid questions anymore…just slightly IQ-depreciated ones. Deal.

  55. [Comment ID #33507 will be quoted here]

    Got it, no problem, need not be repeated, I GET THE PICTURE. Now I think I must find some way to get the horrid pictures out of my head. Any suggestions?

  56. As a matter of fact yes I do, “Bikini Wax Kit”

    That stuff gets everything out, or, um, so I’ve heard from tabbie…

    :geek:

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