I make resolutions with the bar set really low, so I can attain them.
- I resolve never to purchase a Perfect Polly™ this year. Or any year.
- I resolve not to eat my fellow travelers if we’re stranded in the Arctic.
- Expanding on that last one, I resolve not to go anywhere I could possibly fall into a canyon (alone) and be forced to saw off my own hand.
- I resolve not to defect to a Communist nation.
- I resolve not to use my spit to hold my daughter’s hair in place.
- I resolve not to punch a Great White Shark in the face.
- But I do resolve to throat-punch anyone who plays What Does Fox The Say in my vicinity.
- I resolve not to learn Hungarian this year.
- I resolve not to vote for Rob Ford.