Lamest Super-powers to have

  1. The ability to remove the fizz from all carbonated beverages in a two mile radius
  2. The ability to destroy two evils that have plagued mankind for ages: soap scum and dust bunnies
  3. A duo with the ability to turn themselves into a tasteful pair of Pottery Barn book ends
  4. The ability to warp time such that all watches and clocks end up set to the wrong time zone
  5. The ability to lower cholesterol to a healtheir, more manageable level
  6. The ability to shred cheese with a single touch
  7. The ability to make any piece toast stale on command
  8. The ability to speak to office supplies and make them do your bidding
  9. The ability to roll cigarettes with any part of your body
  10. The ability to find all the socks in the world, lost from dryers
  11. The ability to transform origami animals into balloon animals
  12. The ability to force your enemies to perform sock puppet plays on command
  13. The ability to always find the last parking spot. But only the last parking spot.
  14. The ability to do “really good jazz hands routines”
  15. The ability to detect excellent gas prices
  16. The ability to transfer menstrual cramps to your enemies
  17. The ability to detect expired dairy products without opening the refrigerator
  18. The ability to make better leaf piles than anyone!
  19. The ability to predict the endings of reality tv shows from the pilot episode
  20. What abilities do you think are super-lame?
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35 Replies to “Lamest Super-powers to have”

  1. The ability to turn cat poop cookies into real cat poop, by picking your nose.

    The ability to cause gentlemen with enlarged prostates to glow green for an hour, by touching their bare buttocks. Oopsie-Daisy!

    The ability to detect cheap copier paper by sitting, bare-butt, on the copier.

    The ability to sense the color of the panties that Mandy would have been wearing last night, if she wore panties at night, by studying your morning orange juice.

    The ability to smell which of your co-workers didn’t wash their hands when they last used the bathroom, and to see whether they had masturbated in the previous week by glancing at their nekkid elbow.

    The ability to tell if the driver ahead of you has less than 1/4 tank of fuel, type of fuel, and whether they are driving at an inefficient speed.

    When riding as a passenger in a vehicle, the ability to tell if the driver’s attention wanders from the road ahead.

  2. The ability to bore people to tears.
    The ability to sing any song ever written completely off-key no matter how hard you try to sing it well.
    The ability to stink up a bathroom so badly that it affects all other rooms in a half mile radius.
    The ability to remember completely useless details about something that happened over 15 years ago that wasn’t even that funny or interesting, but not being able to remember where you put your keys yesterday.
    The ability to type the word “TEH” instead of “THE” every single time despite your best efforts to avoid that.
    The ability to stay unemployed for years by constantly taking “training courses” for various jobs that you never actually apply for.
    The ability to creep out any woman you see simply by staring at them for excessive peroids of time.
    The ability to drink battery acid without injury (just WHEN would that be useful?).
    The ability to have all these abilities.

  3. the ability to walk into ‘KFC’ and not ask for some ‘unlucky fried kitten’ on impulse 😛

  4. The ability to walk into a fast food mecca and not strike down the doctoral candidate behind the register when they first ignore you for 5 minutes and then when they turn around and spew “What do you want!”

    The ablility to mentally levitate those little bastards in the mall on Heeleys and drop their asses in the nearest dumpster or industrial shredder. 👿

    The ability to not go up to my neighbors apartment and knock on the door to ask to buy a ticket to what ever fight, argument, or sex show that they are having since they are so loud I can hear everything anyway. :wtf:

  5. > 8. The ability to speak to office supplies and make them do your bidding

    What’s so lame about speaking to office supplies?

  6. The ability to sense the color of the panties that Mandy would have been wearing last night, if she wore panties at night, by studying your morning orange juice.

    they’re red, shiny and giving me a bad wedgie.

  7. The ability to drive across the country without using public restrooms OR those hard-to-find NASA diapers.

    The power to digest corn.

    The power to stop holiday music in public or on radio until Dec 20th.

    The ability to chew beard hair off from the inside, thus eliminating shaving.

    And, sorry if I repeat, I beg for the power of corn digestion. (or way lower-wattage lights in bathrooms)

  8. The ability to spell-check without the aid of a computer.

    The ability to uncannily remember all the lyrics of ‘American Pie’ on long bus journeys.

    The ability to summon drizzle at will.

    The ability to speak to marmots.

    The ability to split the check and calculate the tip instantaneously.

    The ability to walk through pan handlers.

    Impervious to passive aggression.

    *By the way Dave, Nº. 16 actually exists in Irish folklore in a legend called the Táin Bó Cuailgne. The goddess Mecha inflicts a curse on the men of Ulster, giving them woman’s pains and thus rendering them unfit for battle. (although I think it was actually labour pains) Still close enough.

  9. the ability to come up with great mistery novels on the bus but forget them by the time you get home 🙄

  10. I really really need the power to go 3D and interactive on Nicolette’s avatar. 😛 😛 :wang: :wang:

  11. The ability to perfectly fluff a pillow.
    The ability to time travel into the future one day at a time by sleeping.
    The ability to straighten every crooked picture within a twenty mile radius.
    The ability to turn water into diet Coke. (That’s a power I’d actually like to have) 😛
    The ability to file your tax return at light speed.

  12. 7. The ability to make any piece toast stale on command (Personally, I would like the ability to make peace toast.)

    10.The ability to find all the socks in the world, lost form dryers. (I would like to be able to find lost form dryers–forget socks. I can buy another pair of those.)

  13. [Comment ID #217287 will be quoted here]

    Well, that depends. Are you talking to copiers and fax machines or pencils and paper clips?

  14. Attempting to look like Nicolette when you ass is actually flat, fat, hail damaged, or better used to land 747 Jumbo Jets. Nicolete..if you shake your avatar please give us warning…..we will want to enjoy the extended moment…….

  15. [Comment ID #217297 will be quoted here]

    [Comment ID #217614 will be quoted here]

    [Comment ID #217618 will be quoted here]

    [Comment ID #217624 will be quoted here]
    I’d say that several members of this site have already ‘enjoyed the moment’…

    :wang: 👿 :limp: 😛

  16. I don’t know, at least #15 would save you money. I could use that…

    And #16 would work really well at an evaluation with The Boss:
    “Well, it looks like you could improve on your punctuality. Oh. Ow. *shifts uncomfortably* Excuse me a minute.”

    And you could make a mint of #19.

  17. Lake Effect Wished:
    ‘The ability to chew beard hair off from the inside, thus eliminating shaving.’

    Just remember to post a pic of that hairball you’d get when they pull it out… 😈

Comments are closed.