Lamest Super-powers to have, Part II

I would like super powers. Nothing too fancy, mind you. Just minor abilities to get me through the week.

  1. The ability to see through chocolates to the fillings before taking a bite
  2. The ability to sense road construction in time to catch an alternate route
  3. The ability to psychically detect which cashier is the fastest and least likely to call for a price check
  4. The ability to see through scratch-off tickets before purchasing them
  5. The ability to remove rusted, old screws without stripping the threading
  6. A magic bag that always contains the right size batteries for any appliance
  7. The ability to send all the snow that was destined for my driveway to my neighbor’s
  8. The ability to make coworkers I dislike late to all their meetings during performance review week
  9. The ability to accurately predict when public transportation will actually show up
  10. What abilities would you like this year?

See Part I here

45 Replies to “Lamest Super-powers to have, Part II”

    1. The ability to make my boss shit himself during sales meetings!

    2. The ability to stay employed after laughing so hard I nearly shit myself after making my boss shit himself!

  1. OMG Pablo that was so funny! Great comeback!!!! (Couldn’t you slip him something in his coffee?) 😈

    Dave, all your examples sound like pretty good super powers to me, especially the scratch-off ticket one. 😆

    :wtf: I must still be dazed from Xmas excess ’cause I can’t think of a damn thing! 😛

  2. The ability to clone Zilla Girls for fun. Except Annie… Not sure we can handle more than one… 😈 :kiss: 😆

  3. Funny you should ask- I’ve been told I could, but I’d love to be able to suck the chrome off a bumper (bowling ball thru a water hose, same thing)or smile and make a man melt, or best yet, shit a gold brick (although today’s economy almost requires the brick to be solid platium.) Oh, it’s always good to be able to mute screaming children from across a room, as well as cray old biddies in Starbucks’, right Dave?

  4. The ability to make rainbows come out of other peoples asses when they fart.

    To make stupid people drop dead or make them slap themselves at the mere sound of intelligence.

  5. The ability to heal sick people and to make the people who need to be sick…reallllly SICK!
    😆
    oh yeah…the ability to pick the CORRECT Lottery numbers. The last time I asked to be able to pick the lottery numbers, I didn’t specify the “correct” part. Every thing I pick Really sucks… LOL
    Have A Happy New Year, Everybody!!!!

  6. The ability to give anyone minty fresh breath with just a wave of my hand. That would sure come in handy for the close-talkers out there that are non-brushers.

    :puke:

  7. The ability to pour coffee and somehow spill some down the side of the cup thereby leaving a coffee ring every single time no matter how carefully you pour. Somehow over the past week this power has been bestowed upon me but I have yet to find a truly useful way to utilize it. :wtf:

  8. The ability to control all my home cleaning appliances with a wave of my hand so as to clean my house with little or no effort after my family comes home and trashes the fucking thing!

    👿

    1. The ability to conjur coffee… good coffee… whenever I need it. My goodness the coffee at work is awful! :java:

    2. The ability to reheat that coffee just by grabbing the mug. I never seem to get all the way through a cup without half of it being luke warm at best.

    3. The ability to repel bad hair days and instead inflict them on people who annoy me

    4. The ability to de-snow my car with the wave of my hand

    5. The ability to inflict visible granny panty lines at will

    6. A mute button for OPC (other people’s children) was a GREAT idea!! Oh, and one for my husband would work well too. 😛

  9. Um, the preceeding message was apparently reformatted for the visually impaired. And now back to your regularly scheduled program…

  10. [Thank God you told me, Coley, for a second I thought I had acquired an uncontrollable ability to shrink down so small that the writing only looked gigantic.]

    “See Faith’s comment.”

  11. The ability to refill toner cartridges and ink cartridges in printers, without removing the cartridge, using tap water. And have them work again like new.

    The ability to feed the barn cats without them getting under foot.

    The ability to drive the right speed for road conditions, and not be bothered (or hit) by other drivers less gifted.

    The ability to drive the most fuel-efficient speed that is safe for road conditions, without regard to posted speed limits, without getting caught or noticed or reported.

    The ability to share a cheerful greeting with everyone around that could use one.

    The ability to flush the sinuses of anyone I want. This should be useful for getting away from clingy, annoying people. Or maybe the ability to inflict fruit flies onto the ear wax of annoying people, that might work, too. Ooh! Ooh! Or cause the annoying person to experience a moderately annoying, persistent, wet genital itch, all at once! Pocket pool, anyone?

    The ability to experience the benefits of a yoga class, by thinking of taking a yoga class.

    The ability to eat high-fiber, low fat and low starch food and actually enjoy it. The ability to enjoy quiet evenings with friends without alcohol.

    The ability to enjoy intimate encounters with one I love. An actual woman, that is. A woman that pretty much enjoys being with me. Not a collie, this time, or anything inflatable. Or made in China.

    The ability to locate the tape, CD, DVD, or file I am looking for in the first three places I look. Or glasses, but the glasses need to be in the first place I look.

    The ability to remain comfortable until I do get to the bathroom. No matter how bad I gotta pee. Or drop a loaf.

  12. The ability to wish all my Zilla friends a happy, peaceful and prosperous new year without seeming pretentious or self-serving.

    And I hope we all have so much sex this year that we walk around bowlegged constantly, thereby incurring the questions of morons to whom we just smile and whistle a happy tune as we walk away.

  13. I’d really like to have the ability to make my relatives leave or at least be more interesting. Either that or the ability to give a damn. Now I must leave because my mom wants me to do something else other than sit in front of my computer all morning. 👿

  14. The ability to have my TIVO record anything worth watching without my help.

    The ability to MUTE my wife and kids… especially when they storm into the room to announce something I totally do not care about during the last 7 minutes of Law & Order.

    The ability to relive that Ramones concert in Brooklyn 1980 or the Aerosmith concert 1986 or the Buzzcocks at the Ritz 1980 or….

    The ability to know when I should never try that restaurant I always wanted to try (There is almost nothing worse than bad Indian food!!!)

    On that note, the ability to recognize a bad clam. One too many cases of food poisioning but I love them!! (The clams, not the poisoning)

    The ability to play racketball again. Getting old sucks!

  15. The ability to make some people realize that when I say “How Are you?” it is ment in a general sort of way and not “would please tell me your life story and all of the ensuing trials and tribulations that you have ever suffered in your miserable life.”

    That is a bit unpleasant but by happy-happy-joy-joy level is a bit low. I used my quota during the holidays. I need a refill.

  16. The ability to see through clothing. (ONLY WHEN I WANT!!) :WTF:

    The ability to adjust a persons clothing to fit correctly by merely thinking of it [including my own]. (I’m tired of seeing old fat man plumber’s crack and now ever more often fat ten year old plumber’s crack, muffin tops and scrawny ass little girls in even tinier clothes that makes, even them, look like sausages with camel toe. Not to mention the saggy pants that show 70% boxer and make guys walk like they have a disability and old men with their pants hiked up so far under their armpits and so tight that you can distinguish their meager package in detail) :puke:

    The ability to stop office drama.

    The ability to have a camera ready when something amazing is going to happen.

    The ability to create a force field around the snooze button (for those who toss the clock against the wall: around the entire clock)

    The ability to beat a cold.
    :kiss: Doctor, please help me! I can’t get rid of this cold!
    :geek: Here’s what I need you to do. For the next week I want you to take a hot shower and then stand at the window until you dry.
    :kiss: WHAT! It’s mid winter! I’ll get pneumonia!!
    :geek: We can cure that!

  17. The ability to telepathicly tell the idiot driving 35 mph in a 55 mph zone to get the hell out of the way, or the power to make the cell phone stuck to said drivers head blow up 😈 😆

  18. 👿 The ability to use x-ray vision to look into the bar before I go in and discern if everyone there is just a loser pick-up artist. :limp: :puke:

  19. [Comment ID #221479 will be quoted here]

    Oh, damn, you ran into my ex husband didn’t you? Well, you shoulda backed up and hit the SOB again cuz he tells the same stories over and over too! And I wish I could patent the ever popular Zilla girl expresion of a big ole barrell of STFU b/c I’d love to drown his ass in it! 👿

  20. [Comment ID #221483 will be quoted here]
    Better yet, the ability to have said driver’s cell # appear on the sides and back of his/her car with the caption “I’m a fucking moron who can’t mutitask driving with blabbing! If you agree, call me…”
    👿

  21. [Comment ID #221545 will be quoted here]
    That’s MULTITASK… Sighhhhhhh… Is it 2008 yet?

    🙄

  22. The greatest lame superpower would be:

    to be able to go back in time to stop the producers of SPY HARD from making this turkey. Leslie Nielsen needs a good bitch-slapping for this one.

    👿

  23. The ability to make wallpaper-sized versions of the zillagirl’s avatars with no loss in resolution.

    The ability to teleport zillagirls to my place just by clicking on their avatar. 😈 :wang:

  24. i hope i never have an x-mas like this one!!!! i can do without the smagma eating piece of dung!!!

  25. the ability to meet w/ the possibly inteligent lifeforms living here on earth. such as women w/out hang-ups that don’t act so superior to other people in general!

  26. [Comment ID #221560 will be quoted here]

    The ability to grant StevieC’s request and show up on his doorstep with a 6 pack of bud light and a smile! 😈 :boob: :wang: :boob: 😈

  27. Not having to think twice before embarking on a ‘money making’ scheme you came up with on while watching jerry springer 😛

    i actuly watched that show the other day and i could feel my brain rotting ❓ haha

    —sorry to any fans—

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