Kill a Man in Unexpected Ways

  1. Downward blow to the neck… with sporks
  2. Strangulation with a roll of Scotch brand invisible tape
  3. Poison his air supply with Febreeze
  4. Bra strap double-barrel catapult
  5. Force-feed him a kitchen sponge
  6. Thong slingshot with a roll of quarters
  7. Repeated watchings of Golden Girls
  8. Maxipad mouthgag
  9. Kidney punched a with statue of St. Anthony
  10. Tampon eyestrike
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39 Replies to “Kill a Man in Unexpected Ways”

  1. The perfect murder weapon would be a sharpened, pointy chunk of ice because once it melts the evidence is gone, no weapon and no fingerprints. All you gotta do is play dumb like everbody else, “What’s a moider?” you say, and you’re scott free! Death by icicle.

    Link: That page it so rad!! My brother and I sometimes draw faces on our thumbs when we thumb wrestle, then it’s really on!

  2. 1. Replace his TV remote control with one that detonates the dynamite you’ve placed under the sofa he lives on.
    2. Assist in his own slow suicide by deep-frying his bacon and adding extra butter and mayonnaise to everything he eats.
    3. Encourage him to run an errand after he’s been drinking heavily.
    4. Take a nice hot bath with a little baby oil just before he wants to take a shower.
    5. Tell him you’re pregnant and watch him grip his chest.
    6. Ask him to replace an outlet and assure him that you’ve already pulled the fuse.
    7. Have him step out of the car to check if your headlights are working…Woops!

    Women are far more devious, Dave! All but the first one would be considered accidents. 😈

  3. 1. Tell him that with those lovely cement shoes “it’s great waterskiing”
    2. Play a mock-battle (while redecorating the house) and reassure him your nailgun isn’t loaded
    3. Make him clean the gutters every week …. something has got to happen on one of those occasions
    4. Put him on a ledge, try to take his picture …. “back up a little bit honey”

    Ooooh, we are nasty 😈

  4. – Umbrella catheter
    – Driveby shooting from a Prius
    – Combined airplane toilet / bomb bay
    – Replace hot tub water with liquid nitrogen
    – Load his hairdryer with a live round
    – Replace car’s airbag with live angry cat
    – Secretly interchange pacemaker and iPod
    – Coat the pages of his Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue with poison and let him lick himself to death.

  5. George Carlin recommends picking one guy up by the ankles and clubbing another guy with him. They both die and it looks like a pedestrian accedent.

  6. 1. Let him drink as much beer, whiskey, and tequila as he wants then let him loose in grizzly bear reserve
    2. Make him watch a large group of hyperactive 3 year olds. Say your friend is having an emergency. Remove the phone and stay away for 3 days.
    3. Make a stew out of rat meat. After he has eaten half tell him what it is. Make sure you replace his beer with horse piss or something equally unpleasent. Then tell him to try special poison pill of bella donna.

  7. [Comment ID #51517 will be quoted here]

    Jfly, Are you sure you don’t live with my husband? Perhaps he has a clone somewhere I don’t know about.

    I’m particulary fond of number 2. Slow and steady wins the race. 😀

  8. Alright, down & dirty.
    1) Airtight room after feeding him bad chili. :dead:
    2) Use jumper cables on his balls, if that doesn’t kill him then hook it to a nice deep cycle 12 volt! :wtf:
    3) Rectal exam using steel toe boots. ❓
    4) Block the sports channel, UFC, WWE and replace with the O channel. :puke:
    5) Put him in a pink polo and send him to Sturgis in a Miata. ❗
    6) Show him what you’ve got and make sure he knows he can never have it. :limp:
    7) Take him horseback riding and make sure he wears boxers. 💡

    A lot of these won’t cause immediate death but I guarantee that he will die a little inside.

  9. this was probably made from the same person who did the grocery list with the shotgun and tackle box from the picture in the previous post. I wouldn’t be surprized. Yeah watching the Golden Girls will drive anyone to commit acts of hostile violence. Damn you Bea Arthur!!!!!! :dead: :dead: :dead:

  10. Girls, just mention to him casually and repeatedly that women like him because he is SAFE. Get all your girlfriends to confirm it to him.

    Eventually, he will kill HIMSELF.

  11. Offer to give him a blow job during the game

    And actually do it

    Beat him with your 38 EEE :boob: :boob:

    Clean up the dishes

    Make him change your used Maxi Pad
    :puke:

    Send JFLY to his house (yikes she looks so nice an innocent…but underneath lies a killer)

  12. oh now that’s just wrong…change the Maxi Pad… :puke: :puke: :puke: I am all for sharing and being close with one another but that a bit extreme. Some things should not have to be done together, that pretty much tops the list.

  13. [Comment ID #51652 will be quoted here]

    those are crimes against humanity…well crimes against men anyway. such things should never happen. 👿

  14. slowly and methodically suck the life from him with your genral malize.disagree with him for no reason,and no matter how hard he tries to make you happy,dont ever be really happy.it ALMOST got me,lol, see ya beeaaach

  15. [Comment ID #51498 will be quoted here]

    If your investigators are any good they could probably trace the minerals from the icicle to its origination points.
    You’d be best off with Dasani.

  16. Don’t let JFLY anywhere in the same county with me.
    Give him a high colonic with ammonia. 😕 😈

  17. Hit him with a frozen leg of lamb and then cook it and feed it to the officers investigating the crime.(Thank you, Edgar Allen Poe.) :dead:

  18. replace the toilet paper with fly paper and when his asshole is glued shut he will implode from the internal pressure :wtf: 😕

  19. [Comment ID #51695 will be quoted here]

    SO! THAT was Lisa’s plan!

    [Comment ID #51788 will be quoted here]

    SO! THAT was Lynn’s plan!

  20. [Comment ID #51909 will be quoted here]

    Oh, get over yourself, Spud…..Where is it you live? 😈

  21. In a land far far away…
    Where the sun shines brightly on the moutain tops
    Children laugh and skip through the streets
    Women smile whilst doing shopping/laundry/dinner
    Men are truly perfect in every way.

    😈

  22. Kill him with less than 1 oz. of gold. A gold wedding ring will kill much more slowly and painfully than a silver bullet…

    JFLY, you give me pause for concern. You strike me as that person the next door neighbors talk to the t.v. crew about…”Well, she always seemed like such a nice, quiet person. She always seemed friendly enough. I just can’t understand why the police would say thosethings about her…” 😈

  23. 1. Kill him with an eyelash curler.
    2. Invite your mother over so she can talk him to death.
    3. Hire Martha Stewart to do it.
    4. Or Lorena Bobbitt. 😈

Comments are closed.