I need your help

Tell some jokes today. I got up at 3am yesterday for a day trip in and out of Washington, D.C. and it fried my brain. I got home in plenty of time to post, but I was dry. Nada. So please, entertain me. I need a recharge.

85 Replies to “I need your help”

  1. Awww Dave, Get some rest. :kiss:

    I don’t know if I know any jokes that haven’t already been forwarded gazillion times, but still. Here’s something funny: Excerpts from actual letters sent to land lords —

    1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

    2. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming
    from the man next door.

    3. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

    4. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

    5. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

    6. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

    7. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

    8. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

    9. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

  2. And this joke —

    A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.

    “Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family – but that’s it, no other excuses
    whatsoever!”

    A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”

    The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

    When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the
    exam with your other hand.”

  3. Excerpt from ‘Code of Conflict’, Kristine Smith. (An alien is attempting to learn English, by reading purloined military officer evaluations.) “This officer should go far. I’ll drive.” and “His men would follow him anywhere, but only for the entertainment value”.

  4. [Comment ID #110237 will be quoted here]

    What did the tie say to the hat?

    You go on ahead, I’ll just hang around.

  5. a little dated and long but i couldn’t resist given the day.
    (Soft knocks at the door)
    CHONG: Who is it?
    CHEECH: It’s me, Dave. Open up, man, I got the stuff.
    (More knocks)
    CHONG: Who is it?
    CHEECH: It’s me, Dave, man. Open up, I got the stuff.
    CHONG: Who?
    CHEECH: It’s, Dave, man. Open up, I think the cops saw me come in here.
    (More knocks)
    CHONG: Who is it?
    CHEECH: It’s, Dave, man. Will you open up, I got the stuff with me.
    CHONG: Who?
    CHEECH: Dave, man. Open up.
    CHONG: Dave?
    CHEECH: Yeah, Dave. C’mon, man, open up, I think the cops saw me.
    CHONG: Dave’s not here.
    CHEECH: No, man, I’m Dave, man. (Sharp knocks at the door)
    CHEECH: Hey, c’mon, man.
    CHONG: Who is it?
    CHEECH: It’s Dave, man. Will you open up? I got the stuff with me.
    CHONG: Who?
    CHEECH: Dave, man. Open up.
    CHONG: Dave?
    CHEECH: Yeah, Dave.
    CHONG: Dave’s not here.
    CHEECH: What the hell? No, man, I am Dave, man. Will you… (More knocks)
    CHEECH: C’mon! Open up the door, will you? I got the stuff with me, I think the cops
    saw me.
    CHONG: Who is it?
    CHEECH: Oh, what the hell is it…c’mon. Open up the door! It’s Dave!
    CHONG: Who?
    CHEECH: Dave! D-A-V-E! Will you open up the goddam door!
    CHONG: Dave?
    CHEECH: Yeah, Dave!
    CHONG: Dave?
    CHEECH: Right, man. Dave. Now will you open up the door?
    CHONG: Dave’s not here.

  6. Two guys walk into a bar, the third guy ducked.

    Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “Would you like a beer?” Descartes replies, “I think not”, then disappeared.

    An amnesiac comes into a bar. He asks, “Do I come here often?”

    A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, “You can come in, but don’t start anything!”

    A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, “For you, no charge!”

    A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer, please, and one for the road.”

    A toothless termite walks into a bar and asks, “Where’s the bar tender?”

    A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

    A baby seal walks into a bar and orders “Anything but a Canadian Club.”

    A bear walked into a bar and says, “I’ll have a beer……and some of those peanuts.” The bartender says, “So, why the big pause?”

    Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. “I can’t serve you.” says the bartender. “You’re Bard!”

    A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”

    A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this? Some kind of joke?”

  7. Bottom Stories of the Day

    * “Janitor Spends Weekend in Courthouse”–headline, Associated Press, Feb. 27

    * “Judge Makes No Ruling on Custody of Anna Nicole Smith’s Baby”–headline, Associated Press, Feb. 26

    * “Home Damaged by Grease Fire Was Insured”–headline, Press & Sun-Bulletin (Binghamton, N.Y.), Feb. 28

  8. A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says “Why the long
    face?”
    Jay Leno walks into a bar. Bartender says “Why the long face?”
    John Kerry walks into a bar. Bartender says “Why the long face?”
    Celine Dion walks into a bar. Bartender says “Why the long face?”
    That joke never gets old.

  9. Now for the really disturbing stuff:

    A man found his wife asleep one night that he came home from work late. He remembered how upset she was when he told her earlier that he would miss dinner once more so he thought “This is perfect, I’m gonna make it up to her. I’ll eat her out so good that she’ll won’t be able to stay mad at me…”

    He proceeded to crawl under the covers from the foot end of the bed, found her and got to work. she stirred and he could here hard breathing, she moaned and groaned and finally climaxed. Without saying a word and a load of pride he climbed out of bed and went to the restroom to wash up…

    Shocked to see his wife shaving her legs…she turned to him and said, “Shhhh. Keep it down. Your mom’s came over and I let her sleep in our bed.”

  10. Why do Canadian women use hockey pucks instead of tampons?
    Hockey pucks normally last for three periods.

  11. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the ocean? Bob.
    What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in sitting on the front porch? Matt.
    What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall? Art.
    What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs and no tongue hanging on a wall? Tasteless Art.

  12. A Cuban, a Mexican and a Gringo are stranded in a life raft after their boat sank. In an effort to show-off and out do each other the Cuban pulls out a cigar, lights it, takes one drag saying “in my land we have an abundance of these” and tosses it overboard.

    The Mexican pulls out a brand new bottle of Tequila, takes a swig of it, says “In my land we have an abundance of these” and tosses it overboard.

    The Gringo looks at the other two blankly, grabs the Mexican and throws him overboard.
    Cuban: “Are you out of your mind??!! What did you do that for??!!”
    Gringo: “In MY land we have an abundance of those.”

  13. Joe is idly pushing a shopping cart around the supermarket when he notices a gorgeous blond thirtysomething staring at him and smiling. Finally she approaches and says:

    ‘You’re the father of one of my children, aren’t you?’

    Joe, dumbfounded starts wracking his brains about the only time he was ever unfaithful to his wife. He suddenly blurts out:

    ‘Oh my GOD, you’re not that hooker that my friends hired for my stag night and who I banged on the bar’s pool table while your friend spanked me from behind?!’

    Looking slightly perturbed the lady replies:
    ‘Em, no. Actually I’m your son’s science teacher.’

  14. Two gay guys are bored out of their minds.
    😳 This is so lame, What do you wanna do?
    ❗ I don’t know, I’m having a brain fart. You?
    😳 …I know! Let’s play swords!
    ❗ Ok!
    …after a while of playing one turns around and bends over…
    ❗ Ok. I’m tired, Kill me already.

  15. Child says to mom:
    😆 Mom, Why are black people’s palms and sole’s of their feet white?
    :kiss: When god painted them, he set them with their hands and feet on the ground but forgot to turn them over.
    😆 Oh…(long thoughtful pause) if he was that careless, I wouldn’t have smiled and kept my eyes shut also. :wtf:

  16. Open Mouth – Insert Foot

    Ever spoken and wished that you could take the words back, or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are a few stories of people who did and do:

    Can’t Put a Price On That

    I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, “How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?” I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn’t say a word… he knew better.

    – Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX

    She Has Some Balls

    I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who worked at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, “I think I like playing with men’s balls.”

    – Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI

    Nuts About You

    My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, “No, I’m just looking at
    your nuts.” My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

    – Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD

    I Saw Mommy Kissing

    While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons I told her that if she did not start behaving “right now” she would be punished.
    To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, “If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!” The silence was deafening
    after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed
    behind me were screams of laughter.

    – Amy Richardson, Stafford, Virginia

    What Kind Do You Want?

    A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, “PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE.”

    That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word “Tampax” for “THUMBTACKS.” In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. “DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?”

    – Diane E. Amov

    For The Last Time

    Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said “No.”

    I kept thinking, “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any clothes with me.” Then I said, “Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?”

    “No,” he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.

    Soooooo! I asked one more time, “Danny, did you have an accident?”

    This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. “SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!”

    While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An older couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had!

    – Angelica Smith, Atlanta, GA

    Size Matters

    This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don’t get
    any — a true story. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked: “So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?” Not
    only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

  17. my son’s favourite…..a grasshopper walks into a bar. the bartender says “hey we make a drink named after you”. the grasshopper says “you make a drink named murry?” :wtf:

  18. Kiddie ones:
    Why did the chicken cross the playground?
    To get to the other slide.

    Why didn’t the rooster cross the road?
    Cuz he was chicken.

    What vegetable didn’t cross the road?
    Squash.

    What weighs 2 tons, has four tires and flies?
    A garbage/dumptruck.

    What is grey, yellow, grye, yellow, grey tellow…?
    An elephant holding a sunflower rolling down a hill.

  19. What’s brown and sticky?
    A stick!

    One atom looks at his buddy and says, “Holy crap! I just lost an electron!”
    His buddy replies, “Are you sure?”
    “I’m positive!”

    Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
    So they can hide in strawberry patches.

  20. Reminds me of another one:

    Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?
    To get to the same side.

  21. Today’s video – another reason not to let your hamster go clubbing on Friday nights …. :wtf:

  22. A cop stops Werner Heisneberg for speeding. The cop asks “do you know how fast you were going”? Heisenberg responds: “No, but I know exactly where I am.”

  23. More elephant jokes:

    Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees the elephants coming over the hill?

    A: “here come the elephants over the hill”

    Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees the elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?

    A: Nothing. He doesn’t recognize them.

  24. AND…

    Q: What do you call Batman and Robin when after they get run over by a herd of elephants?

    A: Flatman and Ribbon

    (ba dum ba)

  25. In a nursing home the head nurse was explainig to the daughter of their newest resident that every evening they gave all of their male residents a Viagra plii. The head nurse noting the look of concen,said “it’s not for arrousal we use it to prop them up so they don’t fall out of bed

  26. What’s red and white on the outside and gray and white on the inside?

    Campbell’s Cream of Elephant Soup

  27. /Noirmode

    Q:What did the Blind, Deaf and Dumb girl get for Christmas?

    A:Cancer

    /Noirmodeoff

    Feel better Dave

  28. There’s a story in the news about the movie ‘Endless Love’ being remade. It’ll star Ray Charles and Hellen Keller playing tennis…

  29. What did one ass cheek say to the other? Lets get together and stop this shit!! :thong:

  30. What did one butt cheek say to the other?
    Between you and me, something stinks.

    What did one breast say to the other?
    With how low we’ve been feeling lately, I think we need some supposrt.

    What did one thigh say to the other thigh?
    Between you and me, something smells fishy.

    Why were the pupils always fighting?
    They couln’t see eye to eye.

    What did one toe say to the other?
    Let’s get together and jam!

    What did the nose say to the finger?
    Stop picking on me!

  31. Stop the murderous bread!

    Research on bread indicates that:

    1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
    2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
    3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
    4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
    5. Bread is made from a substance called “dough.” It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
    6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s disease, and osteoporosis.
    7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
    8. Bread is often a “gateway” food item, leading the user to “harder” items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
    9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
    10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
    11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

    “A Wrenn”

  32. What do you call a guy who was circumsized with
    pinking shears? a frilly dilly.

    A guy and his blond girlfriend were watching the
    moon rise over the water at Key West.
    Hey, he says, that moon sure looks big. Which do you
    think is closer, that moon or California?
    Duh! says the blond. Can you see California?

    :limp: :limp: :wtf: :wtf:

  33. What did one ear say to the other?
    There’s nothing between us.

    ❓ It ain’t easy being a dick. I’ve got a head I can’t think with, an eye I can’t see out of, I have to hang out with two nuts all the time…
    My closest neighbor is a real asshole, my best friend is a pussy and every time I get excited-I throw up!
    Worst of all, my owner beats me! ❓ :sigh: …it ain’t easy being a dick.

  34. Italian math test

    An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little math test “Here’s your first question,” the foreman said.

    “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.”

    “Without numbers?” the Italian says, “Datsa easy.” and he proceeds to draw three trees.

    “What’s this?” the boss asks.

    “Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make a nine,” says the Italian.

    “Fair enough,” says the boss. “Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.”

    The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. “Ere you go.”

    The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”

    “Each of da trees isa dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Data 99.”

    The boss is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, “All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.”

    The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Ere you go. One hundred.”

    The boss looks at the attempt. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!” The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, “A little doga come along and poopa by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, when I a start?

    A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: “So I hear you’re getting married?”

    “Yep!”

    Do I know her?”

    “Nope!”

    “This woman, is she good looking?”

    “Not really.”

    “Is she a good cook?”

    “Naw, she can’t cook too well.”

    “Does she have lots of money?”

    “Nope! Poor as a church mouse.”

    “Well, then, is she good in bed?”

    “I don’t know.”

    “Why in the world do you want to marry her then?”

    “Because she can still drive!”

    WOMEN’S ENGLISH

    1. Yes = No
    2. No = Yes
    3. Maybe = No
    4. We need = I want
    5. I am sorry = you’ll be sorry
    6. We need to talk = you’re in trouble
    7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
    8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
    9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
    10. You’re very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

    MEN’S ENGLISH

    1. I am hungry = I am hungry
    2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
    3. I am tired = I am tired
    4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
    5. I love you = let’s have sex now
    6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
    7. May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you
    8. Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you
    9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you
    10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you
    11. Those shoes don’t go with that outfit = I’m gay

  35. NEW LYRICS TO BEATLES SONGS – “YESTERDAY”

    Yesterday,
    All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
    Now my database has gone away.
    Oh I believe in yesterday.

    Suddenly,
    There’s not half the files there used to be.
    And there’s a milestone hanging over me.
    The system crashed, so suddenly.

    I pushed something wrong,
    What it was, I could not say.

    Now all my data’s gone,
    And I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

    Yesterday,The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
    I knew my data was all here to stay,
    Now I believe in yesterday.

  36. Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
    One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”
    Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.”
    The last said, “Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”
    😆

  37. There is a half glass of scotch on a table.

    The Arts student says that it symbolizes unfulfilled emotions.
    The Science student starts calculating the exact percentage full.
    The Engineering student goes up to the glass, drinks the scotch and asks, “What’s the question?”

  38. Eskimo takes his snowmobile to a mechanic. Mechanic looks up to the eskimo and says, “Looks like you blew a seal.” The eskimo wipes around his mouth and replies “No no! It’s just ice!”

  39. BE NICE TO LADY DRIVERS!!!

    THE MAN WHO KNOWS HIS MATH……..
    He writes:

    I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

    This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.

    “Man, that guy is stupid,” I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here’s why:

    I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
    That’s 96 miles each day.

    Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
    Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

    There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
    That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

    Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
    That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

    Statistically, females drive half of these.
    That’s 18,000 women drivers.

    In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
    That’s 642.

    According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.
    That’s 449.

    According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered homicide.
    That’s 98.

    And 34% describe men as their biggest problem
    That’s 33.

    According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

    That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

    Give her the finger?– I don’t think so.

    Smart man!

  40. An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So, the Irishman stood up to leave but fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
    Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. Again, he fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

    When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “So You Got Hammered in the Pub Last Night!”

    Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said,”What makes you say that?”
    “The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again.”

  41. What runs around the forest making all the other animals yawn?

    ~ a wild bore

    How many ears does Davey Crockett have?

    ~ a right ear, a left ear, and a wild frontier.

    I know, I know…lame….

  42. Three of the oldest residents of a senior’s home were talking about the inevitable day when they die.
    The first one said “When I die, I want to go in my sleep. Just go to sleep and not wake up.”
    The second guy said “I want it to be quick. One second you’re fine, a massive stroke and the next second, you’re gone.”
    The third, the oldest and most feeble of the group said “Me? I want to be shot by a jealous husband.”

  43. [Comment ID #110309 will be quoted here]
    What do you call a dog with no legs?

    Doesn’t matter, he won’t come anyway.

    And, a recent personal favorite.

    What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work?

    a stick.

  44. [Comment ID #110309 will be quoted here]
    My favorite: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Russell

  45. A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in
    front of a broken down shanty-style house: “Talking Dog for Sale.”
    He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
    The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
    “You talk?” he asks.
    “Yep,” the Lab replies.
    After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says “So, what’s your story?”
    The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services .. the United States Marines … you know one of their nicknames is “The Devil Dogs”.
    In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be
    eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger.

    So, I decided to settle down.
    I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious
    characters and listening in.” “I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. “Ten dollars,” the guy says.”Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

    “Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that stuff. Hell, he was in the Navy!”

  46. Why do dwarfs smile when they are running through a field? Because the grass tickles their balls! 😛

  47. Third Opinion

    Three Doctors are dicussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, ”I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.”

    Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ”I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.”

    Doctor Ahn says, ”I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable.”

    Three Drunk Men

    These three guys got together one day and were talking about how drunk they got at a party the night before.

    The first guy said, ””Man I was so drunk last night I went home and blew chunks.””

    The second guy said, ””Man that was nothing I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I got my DWI.””

    The third guy says, “Man that was nothing. I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed.””

    Then the first guy said, ””No — you guys don”t understand! Chunks is my dog!”

    BAR JOKE

    This guy walks in to a bar and he notices a large glass jar full of $100 dollar bills. Naturally he asks the bartender what this is for. The bartender tells him if he puts $100 in the jar then he enters a contest. He has to conplete 3 tasks, 1. take 3 shots of jose with out making a face 2. Pull the bulldogs bad tooth, 3. and give his fat daughter an orgasam she’ll remember. and if you can do that u win all the $! The guy said “I can do that.”

    he took the 3 shots, didn’t make a face.
    he then goes to the back of the bar, everyone hears yelling and barking, the man returns zipping up his pants and says, “alright wheres the fat bitch with the bad tooth!!”

  48. Three guys were talking about last night’s party.
    First guy says: “I was so dunk, when I got home I blew chunks.”

    Second guy says: :”Big deal, I was so drunk I got a DUI on my way home.”

    Third guy says: :”You think that’s bad,I was so drunk that on my way home I picked up a hooker and my wife caught me.”

    First guy says: “You don’t understand,Chunks is my dog.”

  49. How bout’ this one.
    How do you get a Havard grad off of your front porch?

    Pay him for the pizza.

  50. Dave, I don’t think this HAVIDOL is very good for you.

    IMPORTANT SAFETY INFORMATION

    Side effects may include mood changes, muscle strain, extraordinary thinking, dermal gloss, impulsivity induced consumption, excessive salivation, hair growth, *markedly delayed sexual climax,* inter-species communication, taste perversion, terminal smile, and oral inflammation. Very rarely users may experience a need to change physicians.

    and we know why users experience a need to change physicians!
    Talk to your doctor about HAVIDOL ❓

  51. Why did the hillbilly trade his wife for a new out house?

    The hole was tighter and it smelled better.

  52. Wallmart greeter

    A woman walks into a wallmart with her two kids in tow she is yelling at them and is quite upset
    The wallmart greeter says welcome to wallmart I see you have twins they are precious
    The woman turns to him and says what are you blind they are 9 and 5 why would you think they were twins
    the greeter says well I just didn’t think somebody would sleep with you twice

  53. *markedly delayed sexual climax*?!

    Hmmm… 😈

    FUN, EXCITING AND GRATIFYING JOB OPPORTUNITY
    Seeking non-clingy male human with good hygene to perform daily duties and tasks to satisfaction. Must have acceptable equipment. Great travel opportunities. Training and accessories available. MUST TAKE HAVIDOL. 😛

  54. Wow
    what do you call a Smart, Beautiful and Funny Woman??
    Minnie
    Thanks for the Laughs Minnie and all of you, you have made my Day 8) :wtf:

  55. This guy comes stumbling out of a bar and sees a nun. He walks over and slugs her, punches her a few times, kicks her in the crotch.. when she hits the ground, he dusts himself off and slurs “ya ain’t so tough now, are ya Batman?”

    (Courtesty of a very irreverant Canadian friend of mine) :wtf:

  56. [Comment ID #113097 will be quoted here]

    What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?

    Eileen.

  57. Last but not least…

    What do a hurricaine, a tornado and a Tennessee divorce have in common?

    Somebody’s fixin’ to lose a house-trailer.

  58. When my time finally comes, I hope I die in my sleep like my Grampa did, not shrieking in terror like the passengers in his car.

  59. >>>Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Wyoming rancher.
    >>>
    >>>One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to
    >>>Amy,
    >>>”The artificial-insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our
    >>>cows today.
    >>>I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow’s stall in the
    >& gt;>barn.
    >>>You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?”
    >>>So the rancher leaves for the fields.
    >>>
    >>>After a while the artificial-insemination man arrives and knocks on the
    >>>front door.
    >>>Amy takes him down to the barn.
    >>>They walk along long row of cows and when she sees the nail,
    >>>she tells him, “This is the one….right here.”
    >>>
    >>>Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another dizzy
    >>>blonde,
    >>>the man asks, “Tell me ,little lady, how did you know this is the cow to
    >>>be bred?”
    >>>”That’s simple; by the nail over its stall,” Amy explains very
    >>>confidently.
    >>>
    >>>Then the man asks, “What’s the nail for?”
    >>>She turns to walk away and, with complete confidence, says,
    >>>
    >>& gt;”I guess it’s to hang your pants on.”

  60. Hickory, dickory, doc…
    Three mice ran up the clock…
    The clock struck one…

    ….and the other two got away with minor injuries…

  61. Ok. Here goes. I’m not good at jokes, but I heard this one the other day….

    A font walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’m sorry. You’ll have to leave. We don’t serve your type here.”

    LOL

    Hope you get recharged soon!

    Mary

  62. A Canadian ship sinks in mid-Atlantic. There are only two survivors, and they find a life raft and climb in. After almost a week drifting aimlessly on the ocean’s surface, they spot a magic lamp floating nearby. They pull it out of the water, open it up, and a Genie appears. The Genie tells them he can only grant them one wish because they opened the lamp instead of rubbing it. The first Canadian says, “I wish the entire Atlantic Ocean was LaBatt Blue Beer.” The other Canadian says, “Oh great. Now we have to pee in the boat.”

  63. One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the head of the beer.

    The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

    The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

    The Canadian too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling “SPIT IT OUT YOU LITTLE BASTARD, SPIT IT OUT !!!!”

  64. Right-nut: Hey left-nut!
    left-nut:what Right-nut?
    Right-nut: Look at the penis between us!

  65. [Comment ID #115014 will be quoted here]

    The sultan of Cleavland and another moron are working in a hole while their supervisor sits up against the tree sipping his drink.
    The sultan askes his buddy “Why does he get to sit up there realxing while we are down in this hole working?”.
    The other moron says, “duh, I don’t know. Maybe you should ask”.
    The sultan climbs out of the hole an askes the supervisor what makes him sospecial that he doesn’t have to work like him and his buddy.
    The supervisor stands up and says “This is something I have to show you instead of explaining” He raises his hand to shoulder level and tells the sultan to hit his hand as hard as he can.
    The sultan looks at the supervisors hand and then takes a mighty swing.
    Just as he was about to hit his hand the supervisor moves it out of the way and the sultan’s hand crashes into the tree full force.
    “And that’s why I work up here and you work in the hole”
    The sultan climbs back down into the hole. His buddy anxious to hear the reason asks why they have to work in the hole.
    The sultan says “It’s really something I have to show you instead of tell you.”
    He looks around for a tree, but finds nothing.
    So he says, “You really need to have a tree to do this but I’ll make do”
    He raises his hand in front of his face and said, “OK, now hit my hand!”

  66. A woman goes into the plastic surgeon wanting to get a face lift.
    The doctor explanes that there is a new proocedure where a small knob is placed at the nape of the neck and you can adjust it when lines start to reappear.
    The woman jumps at the chance and has it done immediately.
    4 weeks later the doctor gets a call from the frantic woman.
    “Doctor, Doctor I just don’t know what is happening. I’ve gotten these huge bags under my eyes with round brown discolorations”
    The Doctor tells her to come in immediately.
    After she arrives at the office the Doctor sits her down and says, “You’ve been turning that knob, haven’t you?”
    She replies, “No doctor, not me!”
    The Doctor looks strait at her and says again, “You’ve been turning that knob, haven’t you?”
    She replies that maybe she had once or twice.
    Then the Doctor says, “You must have turned it more than a couple of times. Those bags under your eyes are your boobs and if you turn that knob even one more time you are going to have a beard!”

  67. One more for the road

    Two canibals are eating a comedian
    One canibal looks at the other and asks, “does this taste funny to you?”

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