How to Speak Waiter

  1. “I made this drink special for you. It has a unique, subtle flavor.”
    “I’ve added a toxic cleaning chemical to poison you. Can you guess what it is before the EMT arrives?”
  2. “May I take this out of your way?”
    “You selfish bastard. You’re taking up a table for four by yourself during our dinner rush. I will continue to remove things until it soaks through your proto-hominid skull that you’re not wanted.”
  3. “How is everything tasting?”
    “I don’t give a shit how my service is, so I won’t ask you about it.”
  4. “Small, medium or large?”
    “Just choose the large, fat-ass.”
  5. “Would you like to hear the specials?”
    “I just want 15 more seconds at your table to stare down your date’s blouse.”
  6. “Is the house red, OK?”
    “Clearly, you couldn’t tell a Malbec from a Chianti if it bit you in the ass.”
  7. “Sir, the men’s washroom is all the way down the stairs, turn right, then two lefts, through two more hallways and actually upstairs in the next building.”
    “I’m ensuring you’ll be lost for a good 20 minutes while I hit on your wife.”
  8. “I can move this table out for you, if it’s too close to the wall.”
    “I can’t see how short your skirt is, otherwise.”
  9. “Oh, so sorry I spilled wine on your nice, white shirt. Allow me to pay for the cleaning bill.”
    “Your wife’s breasts distracted me while I was pouring. And that’s a fine Malbec grape. Not that you would know. It will never come out. You’re basically fucked.”
  10. “It’s a pungent bleu cheese with a … complicated flavor.”
    “It’s rubbish. No, literally. We dug it out of the back of our fridge, scraped off the fuzzy bits and gave it a bullshit French name so we could charge more for it.”

What terms have you learned from the waitstaff?

16 Replies to “How to Speak Waiter”

  1. That will be right out! = We lost your order.

    Would you like to sit Family Style? = I don’t have a table for you, go away!

    Would you like a box for that? = GET THE FUCK OUT YOU CHEAP BASTARD!

  2. Number 3 drives me crazy…

    Also, since when has “No problem” become the response to “Thank-you”? Whatever happened to “Your welcome”? What does “No problem” mean anyway? – No problem, since I have to work here anyway…

  3. [quote comment=”637380″]Number 3 drives me crazy…

    Also, since when has “No problem” become the response to “Thank-you”? Whatever happened to “Your welcome”? What does “No problem” mean anyway? – No problem, since I have to work here anyway…[/quote]
    That would at least be more honest if they don’t want to say, “You’re welcome,” they could at least manage, “It’s what I’m being paid less than minimum wage for. Sir.”

  4. Would you like your change back ? —– after they tack on 20% automatically and the service is less than memorable. :wtf:

  5. Something I’ve always wanted to do.
    Go into an American restaurant, wait for the waiter to come over and before he has a chance to speak, look at him grinning like a crazed lemur and almost shout:
    “WELL HI THERE! MY NAME IS LUNG AND I’LL BE YOUR CUSTOMER FOR THIS EVENING!”
    See how he reacts.

  6. When the hostess asks “how many” reply 63 the bus arrives in 2 minutes…Must be said in a serious way….watch the response
    Would you like a table or a booth….fat ass you’ll never fit into a booth
    when the server puts a smiley face,and have a nice day on the back of the bill deduct 10% from their tip

  7. MOUSSE OR PUREE OF ANYTHING – yesterday’s leftovers shovelled into a blender.
    FULL-BODIED WINE – you look like you could use the strong stuff.
    FLAME-GRILLED – burned on the outside, raw on the inside.
    HOUSE SPECIAL – Shit was taking up way too much space in the freezer AND is about to go off.
    CHEF’S SURPRISE – Chef’s drunk, doesn’t speak English and could be making anything.
    WOULD YOU PREFER A TABLE ON THE TERRACE? –You didn’t shower this morning, did you?
    WE ALSO HAVE VEGETARIAN, CELIAC AND LOW-CALORIE OPTIONS – I just stuck the other two options in first so as not to make it obvious that I think you’re both hideously obese.
    SURE I CAN BRING YOU MORE BREADSTICKS – filling up on the freebies, eh? You’re not going to tip for shit, are you?

  8. -would you like the bearnaise or sauce perigourdine with that?
    “doesn’t really matter they are both made with a sous chef jizz base”
    -shall i bring a second fork for the dessert?
    “not that your fat pig of a husband eats with one”
    -can i take your coats?
    “we can’t rifle through them if you’re sitting on them”
    -sparkling or still water?
    “freshly flushed or stagnant”
    -our special tonight is chilean sea bass.
    “we have a commitment here to eradicate the species by christmas”
    -would you like american cheese with that?
    “there is no such thing we actually use caulking”
    -it comes with a garnish of pea tendrils!
    “they are the cheapest most tastless things we can grow in our hog manure compost but they give it that ‘garden fresh’ look”
    -perhaps you would like the chanterelle ravioli?
    “chanterelle is our 450lb cigarette smoking cook and she’s warming up the chef boyardee now”

  9. [quote comment=”637386″]Something I’ve always wanted to do.
    Go into an American restaurant, wait for the waiter to come over and before he has a chance to speak, look at him grinning like a crazed lemur and almost shout:
    “WELL HI THERE! MY NAME IS LUNG AND I’LL BE YOUR CUSTOMER FOR THIS EVENING!”
    See how he reacts.[/quote]
    LOL! My old man has actually done that!! (and unfortunately, both my son and myself were present!)
    😳

  10. “Would you care to order now? Or do you need more time?”
    “Hurry the fuck up ’cause I’m off in 15 miutes! Besides, you look like the sort of person that is just gonna order a cheeseburger or something deep-fried anyway.”

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