How to sit through an all-day meeting

  1. 8:00AM: Listen attentively. Take fastidious notes that would put a science reporter to shame.
  2. 9:00AM: Tap chin with pen while slightly lifting brows to appear highly engrossed.
  3. 10:00AM: Take a relaxed sidelong glance at the clock for no reason. Notice a thirst developing.
  4. 10:15AM: Finally let out for a 15 minute break. Crack a joke about bladder control with coworker, grab another coffee and cringe when team leader says time’s up.
  5. 11:38PM: Stare incessantly at clock waiting for lunch hour.
  6. 12:00PM: Turn white-faced in horror when team leader announces that we should “really go till 12:30 to get through as much of this as possible before lunch.”
  7. 12:36PM: Vow to murder the catering company who still hasn’t delivered lunch.
  8. 12:41PM: Lunch arrives; cold. Promise to only maim the caterers out in the parking lot and leave them with a pronounced limp.
  9. 2:00PM: Drowsiness sets in. Multiple attempts to prevent eyelid flutter. Unexpectedly interesting sentence snaps you out of it long enough to form a decent question.
  10. 3:00PM: Momentary glance at cell phone. Silly Twitter messages break up boredom.
  11. 4:00PM: Aha! Four already! In the homestretch now.
  12. 4:10PM: Look back up at clock. How can it have only been 10 minutes? It should be 5:00 already.
  13. 4:15PM: Frantic glance back at clock. Begin thinking of after work plans. Prepare excuse to leave right at five for a “previous engagement” since it’s too late in the day for the dental appointment excuse.
  14. 4:16PM: Seriously? One minute? Calm yourself.
  15. 4:22PM: Begin burning holes in the clock with your heat vision.
  16. 4:37PM: Hey! It passed 4:30 and you didn’t even notice. Things should be wrapping up now.
  17. 4:39PM: Any second now.
  18. 4:41PM: Q&A? Dammit! Annoying coworker asks a two-part question to appear important. Apple polisher.
  19. 4:45PM: Dismayed that answer is taking longer than you anticipated. Receive evil glares from coworkers.
  20. 4:58PM: Finally! Begin packing up laptop only to hear annoying coworker ask one more question.
  21. 5:10PM: Stare at coworker in horror as he asks more sub-questions.
  22. 5:12PM: Stand up quickly as speaker finishes answering only to have boss ask everyone to go around and give their opinions and thank yous to the speaker before leaving.
  23. 5:47PM: Faint.

28 Replies to “How to sit through an all-day meeting”

  1. 24. 5:50 PM: Rouses, pulls Uzi from briefcase and wipes out whole office crowd. πŸ‘Ώ 😈 :wtf: :dead: ❗

  2. Sounds like it would have been easier to fake death to avoid the whole thing. When asked afterwards what happened, just answer (ala Monty Python) ‘I got better’.

  3. [quote comment=”607580″]Sounds like it would have been easier to fake death to avoid the whole thing. When asked afterwards what happened, just answer (ala Monty Python) ‘I got better’.[/quote]
    calling in dead is the best excuse evar!!!
    doing a striptease mid-meeting often stops the boring. not that i would ever do anything like that….. :kiss: :thong: :boob: :wang:

  4. One thing that also works for me: Doodle while acting like you’re taking notes. It has the dual benefit of appearing to pay attention while helping to keep eyes open.

  5. Toothpicks, because snapped in half they create a wonderful way to keep the eyes open and at the same time deliver that devil may care look that fascinates members of the opposite sex.

    One can never have enough toothpicks. Perfect for picking up bacon in a delicate manner that oozes sophistication and also great for cleaning blood out of hard to clean parts on a gun.

  6. Imagine what each of your coworkers looks like in the nude. Most of them will shock you awake
    Dry heaves tend to keep your mind active.
    At lunch comsume 5 Red Bulls and three double expresso’s It will sure eliminate the afternoon snoozies but no one will be able to understand your speech at 300 words a minute

  7. [quote comment=”607359″]24. 5:50 PM: Rouses, pulls Uzi from briefcase and wipes out whole office crowd. πŸ‘Ώ 😈 :wtf: :dead: :!:[/quote]

    He should do that before he faints Flash, but I like the way you think! πŸ˜› :kiss: :love:

  8. In my experience….any negative CAN (and will be) turned into a positive. Below are some games you can play with your fellow asskissers (co-workers).

    1/ BOSS TENNIS………

    One of you raise a point………see how many times you can force your boss to answer the same question..with alternate or even contradicting responses!

    Scores are based on how many times your peer reacts to your statement and engages you in lethargic communication. 1-0 etc can be used (BOSS FOOTBALL), but 15 love is traditional tennis after all!

    Maybe someone could make an NFL version?

    TIP:- (The road to success my friends)

    πŸ˜€

    1/ Change the format of the question and the pitch of your voice!……..If your Boss has been “briefed” he/she/she/he (see that, equal rights!) will flounder, then return to the party line.

    2/ A swift interjection against a co-worker whilst re-enforcing the bosses point and agreeing entirely……… can lead to victory and also promotion.

    3/ Answer the response thus………..

    BOSS: “So as you can see…………….there will be no job losses ultimately, Well NOT on my shift HA HA HA HA (laugh at this point of cander)”

    YOU: “Ah…no job losses..I see…Ultimately……Well not on your shift Sir/Maam……HA HA HA…Ultimately!”

    πŸ’‘

    2/HATED CO-WORKER SMACKDOWN!

    Here’s one for you zilla!

    Everytime the hated “any questions” line comes up and it always does.

    (Or when in the U.K the Queen and I say “Any other business!”….
    Do not say……..Yes Sir, I really need a banging shit right now! (YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!)

    YOU SHOULD HOWEVER:

    Collaborate with any other person beforehand who “needs to escape” aka “has a life/cats/children/virgin sacrifice” to semi raise their hand before the weird guy who always asks questions starts to speak.

    TIP:

    1/ It is a subtle jesture that is needed.. Look deep into their eyes and smoulder like the inner fires of Hades will only irritate you at this point.

    2/ Also watch the mouth of the creature..they will either demand the one ring. MY Precious or spout the most egracious statement known to mankind…..Then when the time is right……….raise the hand slowly.

    Cowardly by nature the office “GOLEM” will fall silent.

    Enough people on your side to repeat the maneuver…the boss concludes a pause is in motion.

    END of meeting! HAPPY DAYS!

    P.S besides, your Boss probably has a call girl or man (equal rights again) waiting pre-booked and ready to go!

    BEST OF ALL!

    … its good night Vienna for the creature, as a dejected, pasty faced trip home in the Volvo, followed by a ready meal for one and a self induced “hand job” will be it’s only comfort.

    GOOD!

    😯

  9. Any meeting that runs over an hour is worthless, more than one meeting a day is an exercise in ineptness. Having worked someplace where meetings were held about future meetings, I now cringe at the mere mention of the word. I am a firm believer that if you can’t get it across in 15 min. it’s probab;y not worth wasting people’s valuable time…… Although there were those who enjoyed or actually looked forward to these “love fests”, they were ususally the incompetent, kiss asses, blowhards and “look what I can do’s”.

  10. Okay…..and I swear this is my last posting for today..NEW GAME (same day)

    ULTIMATE JUSTICE (NOTE: You need balls like space hoppers for this one!)

    Sadly STOP.

    (I said it!) the Golem from going home prior Volvo thing!

    START!

    Meet him/her in the car park……….Tell him you have ALWAYS admired the question inducing ability he/she has and ALL the people (who incidentally are ALREADY AT THE PUB!) or feeding cats (DAVE) were wrong to dominate and embarass the potential new master, whilst our leader was speaking!

    Invite for a pint of beer (the other pub, not the good one)..YES FEEDBACK is important!

    Then after around 3 pints get the boss lover aka GOLEM to admit and SHOW the photo in his/her wallet.
    (Despite its wallpaper paste like qualities and adhesive form (Hey is that chicken and gravy meal for one residue .or you just pleased to see me?), It does confirm orientation and office suspicions.

    GAME ON (balls of steel bit now!)

    Invite said fuckwit to hotel for no strings attached fun! (that thing Mandy abbreviated non WAV stuff)

    Then.

    HERES THE BEST BIT!

    Tie said Golem to bed naked quivering with anticipation, Go home… then meet your friends at pub (cool one, not semi homo erotic one! Where they seem to know Golems usual btw? Odd.)….

    AND JUST IMAGINE!

    Your bosses suprise when he/she….and the prebooked call girl/man.

    All end up in the same hotel and indeed room!! (thanks to the tip from the receptionist who hates your boss!

    and are you sure it IS HIS btw?)……

    SILENCE ASSURED from both parties EVERY MEETING!

    PLUS FREE BEER, ADMIRATION and of Course!

    The Bosses wife! (She knew about the slutty receptionist all along!)

    πŸ‘Ώ payback can be so brutal! πŸ˜‰

  11. perhaps not the most popular response but…….being a business owner i get to go to lunch at noon and drink til 1:30 then come back to the office and leave at 3:00 so i can resume drinking by 3:15. at 5:47 i’m 1/3 tanked and continue til midnight to completion. of course this happens every day so in a sense it’s probably just as boring as your routine except i can’t remember from day to day and so must repeat ad infinitum. 1 more hour til lunch! :dead:

  12. A previous employer use to schedule meetings at 9 (work started at 8:30) and would not show up until 9:30 – 10. Based on salary guestimates, I calculated how much money was wasted by being late and how much could be saved by starting 15 minutes earlier. When the boss saw the dollar figures, all future meetings were scheduled for 8:45, were on time, and were much shorter.

    Ah hates long, time-wasting meetings.

  13. 5:15 PM: Fall to knees, scream in agony, yell/sob, “Enough, dear God enough! I’ll talk, I’ll talk; I’ll tell you what you want to know! I can’t take any more, just tell me what you want to know and I swear I will tell you everything! JUST MAKE IT STOP, MERCIFUL LORD! MAKE IT STOP!!!” Burry head in hands and weep uncontrollaby.

  14. [quote comment=”608600″]why is the time 11:53? it’s only 10:53. do i have to start drinking now? ;-)[/quote]
    Ya why not, it’s Friday. On Friday it’s never to early to start the weekend.

  15. Well, if I was AnnieB or Mandy (or any of the other charming and talented Zilla-babes), I’d put some fresh batteries in my vibrating egg and have the on and off switch in a convenient spot. Any verbal exclamations might be construed as commentary on the discussion at hand. 😳

  16. Before 2:30 mid afternoon break make eye contact with hot coworker named Mandy. Text her to meet in the hall during break.

    2:30 afternoon break. Get room in upper floor of hotel your meeting is in. Do Mandy.

    5:30- do not return to meeting. Be topic of gossip for generations. Were your pension plan and stock options worth it? You bet! At least you got out of that meeting!

  17. [quote comment=”608754″]Well, if I was AnnieB or Mandy (or any of the other charming and talented Zilla-babes), I’d put some fresh batteries in my vibrating egg and have the on and off switch in a convenient spot. Any verbal exclamations might be construed as commentary on the discussion at hand. :oops:[/quote]
    omfg. that’s awesome. mandy’s avatar is hard enough to look at already without busting a nut but imagining a vibrating egg in the mix is the ultimate. i would ask self-important questions in the meeting just to keep her quivering in her seat. i think with annieb i would already be fiddling with her under the table (discussion at hand-style). :wang: :wang: :wang:

  18. I never thought I’d long for Brad K.

    I wonder if the Rev has ever tried his hand at haiku… πŸ˜€

    @ Bigwavdave and junkman… I kinda wanna take a meeting now… πŸ˜›

  19. [quote comment=”608951″]I never thought I’d long for Brad K.

    I wonder if the Rev has ever tried his hand at haiku… πŸ˜€

    @ Bigwavdave and junkman… I kinda wanna take a meeting now… :P[/quote]
    I dunno, AnnieB, guys who fiddle under the table cannot be trusted. It’s
    better to get it out on the table. πŸ˜› :kiss: :wang: :boob:

  20. [quote comment=”608754″]Well, if I was AnnieB or Mandy (or any of the other charming and talented Zilla-babes), I’d put some fresh batteries in my vibrating egg and have the on and off switch in a convenient spot. Any verbal exclamations might be construed as commentary on the discussion at hand. :oops:[/quote]

    Now THAT sounds like my kind of meeting. 😈

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