How to read a real estate ad

  1. Baroque = Broken
  2. Casual Living = Your neighbors have a refrigerator on their front lawn
  3. Charming = Corners don’t line up. Sagging porch.
  4. Country Living = Your street will never see a snow plow.
  5. Cozy = Cramped
  6. Diverse Wildlife = Raccoons will raid your garbage. Bats will roost in your attic. Coyotes will eat your dog. Bears will eat your children.
  7. Urban Setting = Ghetto
  8. Family-ready = Previous tenants left toys everywhere
  9. Historic = Has ghosts
  10. Interesting History = Has murderous ghosts
  11. Laid-back Lifestyle = Retirement Community
  12. Outdoor fire-pit = Previous owner burned the garage to the ground.
  13. Private Drive = All your neighbors were eaten by redneck cannibals
  14. Quaint = Outdated
  15. Quiet neighbors = Cult compound
  16. Scenic View = Adjacent Cemetery
  17. Spacious = No windows
  18. Starter Home = Cardboard box
  19. Tree-lined = Welcome to the jungle
  20. Unique Layout = Architect was unlicensed and possibly schizophrenic
  21. Waterfront Property = Septic tank backs up in spring

15 Replies to “How to read a real estate ad”

  1. Unique widelot condo…40 feet wide and 6 feet deep
    spacious gardens…every noxious weed known to man overgrown in this yard
    cozy fireplace….hasn’t worked in 40 years
    century home….which century?
    interesting kitchen……no appliances and one cupbord

  2. Cozy: Tiny
    Country living: Expect to see lots of bears, coyotes, and other wildlife in your back yard
    Fixer-Upper: Money pit
    For first-time buyers: Our only chance of a sale is to people who don’t know anything about buying a house
    Motivated vendor: Bank is foreclosing next week
    New Price: We’re still asking too much
    Newly renovated: You would never know that it use to be a grow-op
    Priced to sell: It’s been on the market for years and no one wants it
    Recently upgraded: Lots of shoddy work done quick so that we could dump it
    Shared driveway Overbearing neighbour who hogs the driveway and dumps trash on your side

  3. Original landscaping: The house was built on an ancient burial ground and they forgot to move the bodies! Aaaaaaahhhhh! 😯
    Scenic view: Your hot neighbour likes to sunbathe nude. 😉

  4. Waterfront: Must cross heavily traveled highway to get to postage stamp size “beach”, almost as good as “lake access” which can mean a trek.

  5. Gated Comunity= Neighbors who fear they are far to affluent for the rest of the world.Safe behind a fence they have time to make sure that even your doormat is an allowable exterior color.

  6. Quiet Neighbors = Expect a visit from the cops every time you sneeze.
    Friendly Neighbors = Nosy as hell, but they’ll watch your house like a hawk when you’re gone. They also have great stories about everyone else in the neighborhood. Just try not to think about what they’re telling all of them about you.
    Elegant Living = The price is NOT a typo.
    Beach / Lake / Waterfront Access = Tourists will park in your driveway and trample your lawn to use your beach. Good luck trying to kick them out.
    Pool = Improperly assembled above-ground biology experiment. Probably leaking.
    In-Ground Pool = Money pit. Expect tons of new “friends” inviting themselves over. Oh, and lawsuits.
    Hot Tub = The neighbors own binoculars.

  7. Close to schools = Expect graffiti all over the fences
    Mature Landscape = The grass is old and dying
    Wired for alarm system = See ‘urban setting’
    Updated appliances = The appliance colors changed from Avacado Green to Harvest Gold…
    Fresh paint = It was the easiest way to hide the black mold
    Move-in ready = The coroner just picked up the previous owners
    HOA = You will NEVER have a say in what your house & yard look like. EVER…
    Guest house = Hope you like your in-laws…
    Split level = Increased homeowner’s insurance rates – see “Aunt Bunny fell down the steps!”

  8. [quote comment=”637148″]Elegant Living = The price is NOT a typo.[/quote]
    Nor is it negotiable.

    [quote comment=”637151″]Updated appliances = The appliance colors changed from Avacado Green to Harvest Gold…[/quote]
    Hey, I moved into that house! 😯

  9. Good highway access = built under an overpass.
    Stunning alpine views = two miles from Mount St. Helens.
    Safe neighborhood, regularly patrolled = next to a military base.
    Strong community spirit = minutemen membership obligatory.
    Basement rumpus room = living room floor gave out a year ago.
    Located in an area of peaceful, traditional American values = in Canada.

  10. lux interior-cramped
    riparian rights-evicted former nazi tenants
    huge tracts of land-tits
    heritage home-you are going to be stuck in this old piece of shit for the rest of your life because the town won’t let you fix it, tear it down, renovate……and as such….no one wants it cuz it’s a fucking 250 year old throw up in an over priced market and it’s main selling feature is that it was owned by the original shoemaker in town 200 years ago. great…invite your fucking erudite friends over for fondue and kirsch and discuss current events by the sooty tin can wood stove as rain falls through the quaint brown vagina in the ceiling. don’t hit your head on the crooked 5 ft. high bathroom door lintel before you lower yourself onto a bottomless chamber pot to drop a cheese log into a hole dug by early french explorers. fresh well water from the spring fed pond the carpet cleaners backing onto the lot have created is active year round. you will always be sleeping on a slant. you can sit on a rocking chair and look through the warbled front window and sew a patch on your pants thanking god you’re not a hobo even though the wind is blowing through your hair like you were riding a boxcar at top speed straight to goddam nowhere. the milkman died on your lawn 40 years ago and they buried him right there next to the 19 pets, one of whom bit his leg. 1 by 1 your friends will leave you because they can no longer bear the dishonour of agreeing with you that you were smart to pick this house up for a swan’s song. eventually your body takes on the smell of 200 years worth of stink foot as you live into the shoe maker’s dream of home ownership and take on his discarded mantle (which was hanging on a peg on the back of the basement door). your hip will break of it’s own accord. yours eyes will cross. the floor will creak all your problems with every footfall. a steal at only $485,000.00.

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