How not to pick up girls

Today I witnessed the worst attempt at a pickup I have ever seen, and believe me, that is really saying something. The woman was attractive in a standard, tan, blonde Barbie-Doll kind of way. Well-dressed, curvy and just sexy enough to make most men snap their necks around. So she was in line buying a coffee when out of nowhere, this annoying, spiky-haired guy bursts in and gets about six inches from her face. “Yo baby, I can make you a model. You’ll be making ten thou a day. No prob! Serious! You so hot, baby.”

Naturally she was repulsed and backed away from him. He kept it up and she finally told him to fuck off. He stormed out, swearing at her as loud as he could. I went up to her (not to do the same thing, trust me) and asked her, “Did he just say what I thought he said?”

“Yeah, I guess. He followed me all the way here, cat-calling and telling me how big it was.”

Fellas, please. If you plan on getting some, the following phrases simply will not work on strangers. (Not that I’ve tried them, ahem).

  1. Never tell her she has great big cow-like udders that you want to milk.
  2. Don’t tell her that her cameltoe, “reminds me of a large magazine rack”.
  3. Never tell her you want too see her dance naked in front of her dad (unless it’s Paris Hilton).
  4. Please don’t say that she looks, “a bit worse than a two dollar whore”.
  5. Never tell her that when she walked in, you thought she was one of your frat brothers on a bender.
  6. Do not mention that her ass reminded you of a baboon you once nailed at the zoo.
  7. Never tell her that you doubt you’ll catch anything from her that you don’t already have.
  8. Please don’t say she is “damn pretty for a Grey”.
  9. Do not reveal that you are Pauly Shore.
  10. Never mention that your “parole officer is expecting you back by 9PM.

Ladies, please feel free to add any nasty ones that have been thrust upon you (‘scuse the pun).

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19 Replies to “How not to pick up girls”

  1. Coincidently my sleazy brother just sent me a whole list of atrocious pick up lines. The fact that he’s married proves Darwin wrong:

    -(Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let’s get you out of those wet clothes.
    – Nice legs… What time do they open?
    – Do you work for the post office? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
    – You’ve got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
    – Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
    – I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I’m the only one talking to you.
    – I’m fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
    – Wanna play army? I’ll lie down and you can blow the hell outta me.
    – I’d really like to see how you look when I’m naked.
    – You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
    – I’d walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
    – If it’s true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
    – (Look down at your crotch) Well, it’s not just going to suck itself.
    – You know, if I were you, I’d have sex with me.
    – You, Me, Whipped cream and Handcuffs. Any questions?
    – Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
    – My name is (name)…remember that, you’ll be screaming it later.
    – Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
    – Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
    – I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
    – Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?
    – Do you wash your pants in Mr Sheen because I can see myself in them?

  2. A networking :geek: at work tried to impress me with how many miles of Ethernet he’d strung. 😐

  3. I had a friend that actually got a girl with this line.

    “Nice shoes…wanna fuck?”

    I could not believe that had worked.

  4. Mandy, I would imagine you have heard some very interesting lines. ???

    How about.
    “You look like you have had a rough day. Sex always make me feel better. What do you say?”

    “So, is this going to happen or what?”

  5. My creepy brother-in-law is proud of this one :
    “Do you want to get a pizza and fuck? Or don’t you like pizza?”

  6. And please don’t use “you’re so hot I can fry bacon on you” or “my dick just ain’t for peeing ya know”. They’re only funny in theory :razz:.

  7. Don’t tell her great looks remind you of an old girlfriend, who was, btw, a fu***g, cu** with a bad attitude and worse personality. 🙄

  8. My favorite is, “Is that a keg in your back pocket? ‘Cause I want to tap that ass!”

    My friend likes, “That’s a lovely shade of hot you’re wearing.”

  9. Ahoy there, lassie! My parrot wants tae know if thar be an “x” painted on the seat of thy pants?

    Because methinks there be fabulous booty buried within! Arr!

    –Simon

  10. My personal favorite:

    “Baby, gimme your mama’s address, I wanna send her a thank-you card!”

    Too bad I thought of it after I was already married, but it always gets a laugh.

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