Failed Valentines Sentiments

These didn’t work last year or this year. Don’t try them next year.

  1. When you said you wanted me to meet your mother, I knew in my heart you were special. Is she up for a three-way, as well?
  2. My hulking, little love buffalo.
  3. Your hips are like two enormous wetlands, teeming with wildlife.
  4. You’re like a star. An imploding, White Dwarf star.
  5. Your lips are crimson; like the radial blood spatter of a fatal car accident.
  6. I love when you make that honking noise in bed.
  7. You, my love, are brutish.
  8. When I said you had a beautiful body, I was referring to the dead one you keep in the meat locker.
  9. Wild, rodeo midgets couldn’t drag me away from you. But it might be fun if they tried. That sounds kinda hot, actually. Do you know any?
  10. Your slim legs, those full, red lips… But I digress, how much did you say the Girl Scout cookies are?
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20 Replies to “Failed Valentines Sentiments”

  1. I know you don’t know me … but I really love you .. I see you every night, when you walk your dogs …

    (and that is a true one)

  2. Are your legs tired? You’ve been running through my mind all day.

    Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk past you again?

    This is an amazing coincidence . . .I’m single on the day that we meet for the first time.

    You know, being a millionaire can be pretty lonely without someone to share it with.

  3. Anna, it’s early and I’m on my first cup (of Vodka) but that sounds pretty creepy. Gee, Dave, now you have a stalker who watches you walk your dogs. Isn’t that special? 🙄

  4. Anna – sounds pretty creepy. I’m sure Dave is happy to know he has a stalker.

    Spud – sour cream and chives or loaded???

    I love ya darling … yeah, whatever. Color me not interested.

  5. 15. You have the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen. I must have them for my collection.

    16. Oh by the way, that little romantic gift that I put in the envelope? Don’t go gettin’ the wrong idea. It ain’t a diamond – it’s crystal meth.

    17. Shall I compare thee to a rose – The radiant rapture of perfumed beauty that is your body and the cluster of thorny pricks that worship at your feet. I confess, I am one of those pricks.

    18. Jake’s Motel on Route 15. I can fit you in between 8.30 and 10 on Thursday evening……oh yeah and be my valentine.

    19. Stop worrying my darling, you’re the perfect weight for me. You know how I like it to ripple when I slap it.

  6. I have bronchitis. Wanna kiss me?

    Hmmm… you’ll do.

    My lips feel tingly. Want to rub the feeling back into them? (No, wait, that’s my pick-up line.)

  7. I have bronchitis. Wanna kiss me?

    Hmmm… you’ll do.

    My lips feel tingly. Want to rub the feeling back into them? (No, wait, that’s my pick-up line.)

  8. Hi, I know you don’t know me, but I thought I should tell you that my tongue is seven inches long and I can breath through my ears. Would you like to by me a drink?

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