Everything I Learned About Homes, I Learned from HGTV

  1. If you don’t have an island in your kitchen, your home will never sell. Buyers want an island.
  2. If you have the wrong kind of island in your kitchen, you’ll ruin your home No one will want to buy it.
  3. Laminate flooring is a high quality, inexpensive material to give you the look of real tile for less.
  4. Laminate floors look cheap and will lower the value of your home. You really should have gone with real tile.
  5. Use purple and orange pillows, paired with lots of candles for the look of a plush, Moroccan getaway.
  6. The Moroccan look is cheap, outdated and a fire hazard.
  7. Bake bread in your kitchen before buyers show up. It will make the house feel like a home.
  8. Buyers are savvy today and won’t fall for old tricks like baking bread.

What have you learned from HGTV?

16 Replies to “Everything I Learned About Homes, I Learned from HGTV”

  1. If a big armed muscle building home contractor named Roger suggests orange paint for Dining Room he will be correct. Your house will sell that afternoon.

    If you paint any little part of your home with the same orange coloured paint, it will die on the market for years, with potential buyers running screaming from your house when they encounter it.

  2. A master bedroom without an “en suite” is no master bedroom.
    A master bedroom without a walk-in closet is not a master bedroom.
    An “en suite” bathroom MUST have two sinks (otherwise chaos will overtake the universe, obviously).

    When visiting a house for sale, base your appreciation on the wall colors and only those. You should also comment on furniture. If you like the owners’ style and furniture, buy the house.
    EVERYBODY wants stainless-steel appliances. Your house won’t sell without them.

  3. If a big armed soft spoken brush-cut home contractor named Mike discovers a little black spot in the bathroom, he will tell you it’s mould and not to worry. He will spend hundreds of thousands of dollars with personnel in Hazmat suits to get rid of it, and it won’t cost you a thin dime, because he found a supplier with a special deal through a government subsidy.

    If you find a little black spot in the bathroom, you will tear your bathroom apart, leaving it totally unusable for eight months, looking for mould. You will discover that your dog got ahold of your wife’s mascara by examining the tooth marks left on the mascara tube, and that there is no mould whatsoever. Your wife divorces you and takes a job with Mike as his assistant.

  4. if you decide to build your “dream home” a pumpcrete truck will fall over in your ditch. your foundation will cave in and need to be redone due to flooding. the main support beam will be delivered too short from the smelter. you will live in a one bedroom house for three years with three children waiting for completion and have no money left to furnish the 500,000 sq./ft. the architect and general contractor will disagree on everything and it’s your fault. your late decisions will cost 100’s of thousands in change orders. you will try to have a party to force the completion deadline which will fail. your wife will blame you for everything, whine like a baby through-out and then never allow you to live in the house. neighbors will hate you before you live there. 5 walls will be in the wrong place. the custom stair ordered will be a riser short. you will be one skid short of quarried stone for the main floor and no more exists to complete the center. no matter how many 100’s of thousands you have gone over on budget you will always ok that next thing. usually you are an accountant by trade.

  5. 1. Stainless steel appliances
    2. Granite countertops
    3. Wood or tile flooring
    4. Eat-in kitchen (this one always makes me think of Girl Interrupted)
    5. Updated bathrooms (plural, you must have more than one)

    If you don’t have those five things, you might as well just donate your house to charity.

  6. Solution: Skip over HGTV and any other similar channels. Why the hell am I saddled with these channels, when I have absolutely no interest in anything they have to sell or say. I should charge the cable company for adding these channels, that I really don’t want and object to, to my package. (Where’s that puke icon ??)

  7. all home inspectors miss obvious major problems and Mike Holmes must come to the rescue
    he will charge more than the house is worth
    your house will only sell if there is no more than 2 pieces of furniture in each room
    all colors must be okaye’d by 2 gay men in order to be saleable
    candles,flowers ,and pillows will sell any house
    real wood should look as much like laminate as possible

  8. That’s no hammer in his pocket… that’s a Mastercraft socket wrench.

    Gotta love Mike. If I were a woman, I would have his baby. That doesn’t mean I’m latent, does it?

    And who the frick hired those two poofs on the Mother Network (aka CBC for those who didn’t know) that go around lisping their way through helpful hints for the helpless losers that tune in at three in the afternoon. I want ANSWERS dammit! Put two episodes of Coronation instead!

    Akshully, I don’t even have a TV, let alone cable, so how should I know what the CB-frickin-C shows?

  9. Mandy’s Kidding took the words right off my fingers. She’s absolutely right. Pus my own present house would never get chosen for any of the updates/makeovers because I just don’t want a koi pond in my front yard. nor would I enjoy 77 decorator pillows artfully arranged on my bed no matter how kicky and zany the design.

  10. I want Stacey London to give me a personal wardrobe renovation. She’s hot. But you can forget about that other what’sisname. Just her in high heels and a LRD. Or without.

  11. As a kitchen & bath designer for the last 25 years I can safely say…Forget all that shit…Here’s what you need to know: It will cost twice as much and take twice as long as you think, no matter how carefully you budget and what Mike tells you. Period.

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