Davezilla’s Laws of Probability

  1. The probability of spilling stainable liquid on yourself increases with the expense of the article of clothing
  2. Rainfall will be greatest when you are 1/2 way walking home. It will abruptly stop upon reaching home
  3. The shorter and looser a woman’s skirt is, the greater the chance for hurricane strength winds that day
  4. The later you are for work, the greater the probability of getting stuck behind a senior citizen driving 14 mph
  5. The probability of your shoes getting vomited on by a pet increases if you’ve just cleaned them
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15 Replies to “Davezilla’s Laws of Probability”

  1. Dave – This is not actually probable. It’s something you can absolutely count on.

    There is ALWAYS one more idiot than you counted on.

  2. May I submit an addendum to #1: Probability is also increased by wearing lighter color in clothes. Stains are most likely to happen when wearing white. Khaki pants also have a very high probability of staination. Namely while driving and drinking Dr. Pepper.

  3. [Comment ID #198820 will be quoted here]

    Or having to wear white head to toe for an entire year. Stains seemed to jump on me from five feet away. Natalie can attest to this. 😐

  4. 1c. If I am dining at a rib joint for an unplanned event I most assuredly will be wearing a white shirt. Most likely a dress shirt, good Egyptian cotton. I’ve almost convinced myself to douse me with sauce upon seating, thus avoiding the inexorable delay of the inevitable.

  5. “Bad Day at the Office”- If only we wouldn’t get fired for taking out our frustrations in a physical manner over machines that do not operate in a logical fashion. I give our copier a swift kick in the stand on a regular basis. It doesn’t hurt the copier and it makes me feel so much better. 😈

  6. 1a. The chance of spilling water on your crotch while washing your hands in the bathroom increases if you have to walk out into a brightly lit and populated room…
    6. The probability of your white cat or dog shedding all over you as you leave for work increases if you wear dark clothing. Special bonus for forgetting to put a new lint roller in your car…
    7. The more exciting the game is, the more likely the cable or dish feed is to fuzz out.
    8. Installing new white carpet enhances the possibilty of your kid and friends coming in and having a grape juice and pizza pocket party. 👿

  7. Raining immediately upon exiting the car wash.

    The kinkier the sex, the greater the probability that you forgot to lock the door.

    Severity of the random “one-time ‘crime'”; Possibility of being caught.

  8. The later I am for work, the better the chances that I’ll catch all the lights green, find a parking space right by the door, I won’t have to wait for an elevator and someone will hold the office door open for me.

    IS THE WHOLE FREAKIN’ WORLD CONSPIRING AGAINST ME?

Comments are closed.