Cruel things for flight attendants to say

Last night’s flight home was not uneventful. We were still in the air—nearly a half hour late—when the pilot said, “I’m sure you may have noticed that we’ve just been flying around in circles. We can’t land due to strong thunderstorms over Detroit, but we’ll need to or we’ll run out of fuel soon.”

Not the type of message that inspires confidence.

People started panicking and biting their nails. He might as well have said, “I am in ur airplane, crashing ur passengers.” While waiting to die land, I thought of some cruel things flight attendants could say:

  1. “We’re running low on oxygen. Could you try not to breathe for the remainder of the trip?”
  2. “So! Who knows how to land a plane? Hands, please.”
  3. “Does anyone know how to check a pulse? The pilots aren’t moving.”
  4. “I know there’s no smoking onboard aircraft, but this might be a really good time to light up.”
  5. “I hope you were paying attention when I told you how to use your seat as a life preserver.”
  6. “Those of you in exit rows might want to notify next of kin.”
  7. “Now if I were a bomb, what suitcase would I be hiding in?”
  8. “I don’t think you’ll need to worry about making your connecting flights.”
  9. “OK. Who’s the wise guy that stuck pins in this pilot-shaped doll?”
  10. “Tonight’s movie is Gigli.”
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28 Replies to “Cruel things for flight attendants to say”

  1. “so, anyone use a parachute before?”
    “actually, the oxygen masks are really to muffle the screams.”
    “the plane is too heavy. we are steadily going down. we need to lighten the load on the plane. any volunteers?”
    “take the term ‘brace yourself’ to the next level.”

  2. Attention your seat cusions dont realy float but those of you who can swim may still make wikiki by mornning , and dont call me Shirley .

  3. (a)“…I’m telling you Marge, this is a four engined plane, the loss of one or two engines is not that important…”

    (b)“…is that runway long enough?…”

    (c)“..can toilets really explode at high altitude?…”

    :geek:

  4. “Has anyone seen Otto the Auto Pilot?”
    “Attention passengers: As you may have noticed, there are some other planes circling around as well waiting to land. If you look to the right side of the plane, you will see that one of them has just ran out of fuel and is about to make an ’emergency landing.'”
    “All right everybody! Change of plans. We’re going to Mexico!”
    “Will the couple hooking up in the bathroom at the rear of the plane please return to their seats?”
    “Attention all you losers in coach: us flight attendants are having a party up here in first class, which you aren’t invited to by the way, so PLEASE stop pressing the call button and leave us alone!”

  5. Now if passengers on the left side of the plane look out of their window they may see a small orange dot on the ocean far below. I am speaking to you from there…

    Later the stewardesses will be making a collection for the Narcoleptic Pilots Association. Please give generously.

    On behalf, my copilot, the cabin crew and the airline, I would like to kindly ask the passengers if they have ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight.

    It’s quite simple. Without me, the plane crashes, you die. So who’s ya fucking daddy?

    Today we are flying either in a Boeing 737 or one of those cheap Chinese knock offs.

  6. – *hic* Attenshuuuun pashengersh… thish is *hic* your Captain. Jusht wanted to *buuuuuurrrrrrp* let you all know … there *hic* will be no alcohol served on this flight…zzzzzzzzzz….
    – Attention passengers, if you would direct your attention to the right side of the plane, you won’t see the smoke and flames coming from the left wing.
    – BOND! I know you are on this plane! If you don’t reveal yourself, I will crash it into the mountains! You have one minute! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

  7. “i guess we all picked the wrong day to quit sniffing glue eh?”
    “this is your pilot Stitchy McYarnpants speaking, don’t be afraid, we have wrapped this aircraft in a giant wool plane cozy and are anticipating a soft landing.”
    “the plane is rapidly decompressing. don’t be alarmed if your arms and legs start bulging out symmetrically and the rest of the passengers begin to resemble poodles.”
    “we may need to interrupt the barf bag hand puppet show for a moment to have you don your in flight pillow helmets.”

  8. 1. Jump now.
    2. You are all already dead.
    3. We have just been informed that there is no place to land.
    4. In the little time we have left……..

  9. Due to a recent ratings slide, ABC has paid the airline a generous fee to crash this plane into the sea. Any actual survivors will be making cameo appearances on “Lost” (for union scale). By the way, ABC has asked that all working flotation devices be provided to the most attractive passengers. Thank you and have a nice day.

  10. “you will all be safe, have no worries. the plane is on autopilot” as the pilot, co-pilot, and flight attendants all jump from the plane with parachutes….
    “did you see the movie ‘final destination’? we can all escape death”
    “and for the proper plane procedure during an emergency, please turn your attention to the follow scenes from the movie ‘flightplan'”

  11. All passengers loosen your seat belts,bend over ,place your head between your legs.Now kiss your ass goodbye

  12. Aaaallright, folks! SMOKE ‘EM IF YOU GOT ‘EM!!

    And if you don’t smoke? Well, you will in a minute!

  13. Why do pilots all sound like Glen Armstrong and use the word Uh….

    Uh, If you look out to your left you will see the emergency crews foaming the runway for us
    Uh sorry to tell you this folks but there is not a single case where anyone has ever survived a water landing
    GOD IS GREAT!! I am off to get my virgins!
    …I did stay at a Holiday inn last night….
    I am a psychic…the last thing going through you minds will be the tray table in front of you
    Hey bubba watch this!
    Yes that is our air martial doing lines of coke on his tray table and yes he knows something you don’t
    What’s this button do?
    Look out your windows folks, do you have any idea where we are?
    Anyone know if that guy in 16D dressed all in white is priest, cauz uh I think we need one about now.

  14. “Since it seems we’re all going to die very soon, I’d like to make a confession. Your seat cushion doesn’t actually make a great floatation device, the life vests under your seats are made of poor-quality polyester and that’s not oxygen flowing through the masks, it’s carbon monoxide. Whew, glad I got that off my chest.” :wtf:

  15. “How many of you had the fish for dinner?”
    “Since nobody went to Blockbuster Video before the flight, Our inflight show will be the vacation pictures from the passenger in seat 16c…”
    “Today, folks, we have a ‘Guest Pilot’ flying for us. Let’s give a warm welcome to Stevie Wonder!”
    “This is your pilot speaking. We’re going to hit some heavy turbulance on this flight, so buckle up. You know, it’s a pity you guys weren’t with us LAST trip when we flew the girls from the Hooter’s convention thru the same turbulance… Talk about lowering your landing gear…”
    “Today’s in flight movie is a real treat. So, sit back and enjoy ‘Pee Wee’s Big Adventure’ dubbed in Hungarian…” 😈

  16. “This is your flight attendant. The flight crew bailed out over Tulsa.
    We are approaching Cuba. Don’t worry, this craft will float.” 🙄 😕 😈 :dead: :dead: :dead:

  17. I really hope these plane attendants werent blonde because they couldnt have saved their own life if it depended on it. :wang: :wtf: :boob: :thong:

  18. I really hope these plane attendants werent blonde because they couldnt have saved their own life if it depended on it. :wang: :wtf: :boob: :thong:

  19. “The pilot lost his contacts while I was blowing him in the bathroom. Can anyone fly this thing?” :limp:

  20. Flight Attendant: “Yes, these are our last moments on earth. No, I do not want to die alone. But, you are still replusive. I will not have sex with you.”

  21. Flight Attendant: “Oh My God, Oh My God, Oh My God” because of turbulence.
    Me thinking: “WHY is SHE so worried?” (true story.)

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