Chuck Norris

Conversation between any group of males in 1978

“Chuck Norris could beat anyone.”

“No way could Chuck Norris beat Bruce Lee.”

“Yeah, Bruce Lee ripped the heart from a live cow with one strike.”

“And he drank blood.”

“And no one to this day, knows how he died.”

“Norris got him.”

New Scents for Yankee Candles

If Yankee Candles actually smelled like things from the Northern US, the candle scents would change up a bit.

  1. Brown Snowdrift
  2. Hoboken Hobo
  3. Leftover Pizza in the Fridge
  4. Warm IPA
  5. Overpriced, Overly-Sweet Cocktail that Looked Good in the Menu, But Wasn’t 
  6. Women’s’ Room After a Concert
  7. Crushed Black Fly
  8. Lacrosse Coach
  9. Middle-Eastern Man’s Cologne
  10. Air from a Hipster’s Bike Tire
  11. Flint Beach Water
  12. Union Worker Angst
  13. Mosquito Blood
  14. Coney Island Hotdog, Extra Onions
  15. Sublime Subway
  16. Rust
  17. Vacation Bible School
  18. Detroit Bar Mat
  19. Panera Lemon
  20. Fear of the South

Skunked

Last night I was almost sprayed by a skunk. It was tiny.  Not much bigger than a baby squirrel, but the sight of its raised tail made me shriek and run away like a scared toddler.

What. Me embarrassed? 

Call me Treebeard

FOUR YEAR OLD: “You know what would be so cool, Daddy?”

ME: “What?”

FOUR YEAR OLD: “If instead of a beard, you could grow a tree on your face.”

THREE YEAR OLD: “That would not be good.”

ME: “No?”

THREE YEAR OLD: “It would be amazing.”