I rarely have snappy comebacks

…but today I nailed one without skipping a beat.

[SCENE: Starbucks]
Woman: “Ahem. Is that an Apple product?”
Me: “Yes, it’s a G4 Laptop”
Woman: “Well, you must be a devil worshipper, because only Democrats and satanists use Apple products.”
Me: “Why, I am a devil worshipper. Did the Mac give it away?”<

Watch where you shake that thing!

This is a post for the gentlemen. Brothers, it’s time for a lesson in etiquette. As longtime author of Manly Tips for Bachelor Living and creator of the best-selling calendar of the same name, I feel I have at least a modicum of authority.

Please, please, for the love of God. If you’re at the urinal, put the damn cellphone down and use at least one hand to keep things under control. Some of us prefer to attend meetings without a urine shower, and I’m quite certain your listener could wait another 60 seconds.

Ten Best Reasons to Get a Cold

Colds are disgusting. Your eyes look and feel sand-blasted, your nose has lost five layers of epidermis and you are left with the lung capacity of an asthmatic sparrow, but look on the bright side:

  1. Your boss will encourage you to go home early.
  2. You can keep ill-tempered coworkers at bay with a mere sneeze.
  3. No one’s going to sneak in your cubicle and use your phone.
  4. If you come in looking disheveled, women will take pity on you, rather than scoff at you.
  5. Other employees will do the heavy lifting for you.
  6. You get to catch up on all the daytime crap on TV that you’ve been missing.
  7. A cold won’t keep you from hitting the coffeehouse.
  8. You can blame any miscommunications on your plugged sinuses.
  9. You get to pepper your conversation with important-sounding words like antibiotics and gastroesophageal reflux.
  10. If something goes wrong, you’re really too drugged up to care.