So this post originally appeared here in 2008, but as I have been going back through older posts, I keep finding horrible spam injections—some of which cannot be removed with out deleting the entire post. This is a shame because some of these posts had dozens of comments. This one had 72 comments, so I am reposting it. Anytime you see a new post that has the tag “repost”, you’ll know the original was deleted due to spam.
- Lice Krispies
- Kellogg’s Porn Flakes
- Frosted Mini Feets
- Sugar Frosted Aches
- Ape Nuts
- Cap’n Chronic
- Brute Loops
- Unlucky Harms
- Funny Bunches of Goats
- What cereals names would you reject? If you need some inspiration, look through Mr. Breakfast.
- Ask your nurse for some apple juice. Pour it into a urine specimen jar. Nonchalantly walk down the aisles, sipping it.
- After an operation on [some body part], wake up from the anesthesia and ask, “So how is my [unrelated body part]?”
- Schedule gurney races down the hallways of ER. Try to beat EMTs with critical patients. Bonus points for having racing stripes, flames or real exhaust.
- Ask the nurse for a cocktail umbrella and fruit for your urine sample. You know, to make it look Klassy.
- When you wake up from anesthesia, pretend to speak a different language. Look at everyone as evil foreigners.
- Scream down the hallways that “They’ve taken my liver! I went to a party and woke up here, with no liver.”
- If the nurse gives you a choice for lunch, ask if they have Soylent Green.
Reviews in Haiku
Best. Movie. Evar.
Goddamned kids keep yelling out,
“Dude! This… is… SPARTAAAAAA!”
Did they really have
Hot chicks like Angelina
In ancient Denmark?
Wow, three criminals
Thatâ€™s three times the excitement
And one third the plot.
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
Captain Jack is gone
Thankfully Keira has not
Gotten breast implants.
Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny
Jack and Kyle rock out
But Ben Stiller’s cameo
Just sucks donkey balls.
I would like super powers. Nothing too fancy, mind you. Just minor abilities to get me through the week.
- The ability to see through chocolates to the fillings before taking a bite
- The ability to sense road construction in time to catch an alternate route
- The ability to psychically detect which cashier is the fastest and least likely to call for a price check
- The ability to see through scratch-off tickets before purchasing them
- The ability to remove rusted, old screws without stripping the threading
- A magic bag that always contains the right size batteries for any appliance
- The ability to send all the snow that was destined for my driveway to my neighbor’s
- The ability to make coworkers I dislike late to all their meetings during performance review week
- The ability to accurately predict when public transportation will actually show up
- What abilities would you like this year?