Bigfoot’s Diary

2 Dec 2009
10 AM: Spent the morning leaving deliberate tracks in the snow near that stupid hunter’s cabin. Made sure to leave a clump of rat hair on fence nearby. Took a long dump on his front porch, but decided to scoop it up and smoosh it in his mailbox instead. PUNK’D!

Thought it might be funny to remind the park rangers of my existence, so I walked in front of the infra-red wildlife cameras. Here’s the trick to wildlife cameras. Listen for the click and release of the shutter. Count carefully, so when you walk in front of the lens, your body is out of frame—save an arm or leg. It’s also a good idea to rub some skunk urine on the lens so you look sorta blurry when the shutter releases. Ooh snap!

3 PM: Swallowed a bug while running away from two drunken hunters. I had the last laugh, of course. One of them ran into a tree and passed out. I tied him up naked in front of the infra-red camera. The other one began wheezing and turned all purply. I bucked his knees out and he hit the dirt like a sweaty Christmas ham. Why do these guys all wear bright orange AND camouflage? Sending a mixed message or bad fashion sense? You be the judge. I had other plans for him. My daughter wants a pet and with Christmas around the corner… Well, let’s just say rednecks are generally a lot easier to housebreak than puppies.

15 Replies to “Bigfoot’s Diary”

  1. Look I don’t usually kill and dismember hicks, but that girl at the picnic area this afternoon was wearing Uggs, for Christ sakes! And I take that kinda shit real personal……

  2. 7:00 pm pooped on hunter’s doorstep and set it on fire –oops I forgot to ring doorbell. Oh well . . .

  3. Holy Dumpski this is getting too backed up
    Removed 2 bullets and one dog from my ass after being chased by the park warden ….Yogi Bear was right this is one mean s.o.b. I’ll have to do something to get him back…maybe talk his wife into leaving him…pulling a tiger and crashing an Escalade in his driveway

  4. Dec. 3rd
    started morning off with cup of coffee and the switched to gateraid and merlax so I can crap out that hick I ate, a large bottle should do, then it’s over to the rangers porch. I hope he leaves his boots out.

  5. 6 PM: Christ! The wife just informed me that her Yeti kinfolk were planning a Christmas visit. Now I’ve got to go out and get enough rednecks to serve all of them! I hate it when they come over and do that dumb fucking “I will hug him and squeeze him and call him George” bullshit. It was funny for the first 50 years but now it’s just getting tired.

  6. -i guess with inflation i’m going to have to find a 600 million dollar man to fight today.
    -shaved my female mate yesterday and sent her out to hunt at the coffee store. she found a red neck but people made fun of her back tits.
    -according to the church of the subgenius i am the offspring of a member of atlantis doing it with a human. this theory is untrue and made me angry so i buggered edgar cayce.
    -whenever i leave a footprint plaster oozes out of the ground and fills it immediatly.
    -if you want to see me you need to order x-ray specs.
    -when i blow my nose sea monkeys come out.
    -the other day i was having a shit in the woods where the bear does it. i noticed a rabbit having one at the same time and asked him if he ever had the problem of poo sticking to his fur. he said no…..so i grabbed him and wiped my ass with him. (joke adapted for yeti’s)
    -you know what they say bigfeet big…….

  7. 7PM: Damn I stunk to high heaven after sweatin’ all day in this heatwave*, so I went down to the lake for a quick dip. I wasn’t in there for 30 seconds when I feel this huge thing pass through my legs. Before I know it, I’m up in the air sliding down Nessie’s neck. I yelled at ‘im, in my best scots, “Git back ta th’ loch, Jimmy!” Bastard tossed me a hundred yards onto shore. At least it took no time to dry.

    *I hope the inlaws love THAT!

  8. Had an encounter with a fairy earlier. She sprayed all her fairy dust on me, I couldn’t get that sparkly shit out of my fur for days. Some teenage girl came running up to me calling me “Edward” for some reason.

  9. Meagan, I thought your post was going totally elsewhere with the “fairy” dust… but I did indeed get a goood chuckle out of it.

  10. 10PM: finally got the fairy dust out of my fur, but it meant having to kick Nessie the hell out of my lake. Dried myself off and was walking home when that teenage girl bursts out of the brush again, almost making me drop a load on the path right then and there. This time she calls me “Jacob”, rubs me all over saying how beautiful I look, gives me wood and won’t even kiss. Bitch.

    Tip of the hat to meagan for inspiration.

  11. Yep, still messin’ with the humans. It gives us all something to do until they go extinct like so many others we have watched. Still, they are more fun than their cave-dwelling predecessors. Love the film of Hank shambling along; every time he shows that at a party his wife says “You need to stand up straighter and stop slouching. What do you think that guy on the horse thought of you?” I will miss these humans. At least they don’t try to eat us like those fucking dinosaurs. Wonder if the yeti tribe is going to mess with the big meeting on the tall mountain? Well I need to go work on the co2 machine. It is working pretty good but it can still pump more. The sooner we get rid of the pesky humans the sooner we get some peace.

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