Bad things I’ve mistaken for toothpaste…

…when I’ve left my glasses in the other room.

  1. Cat laxative
  2. Grout cleaner (ow)
  3. Compound W (not mine)
  4. Gel-based vitamins for the cat

I am occasionally amazed that I still have gums.

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48 Replies to “Bad things I’ve mistaken for toothpaste…”

  1. Ew Looks like a list of things that don’t belong in the bathroom cabinet. Tell your cat to stop storing his crap in your cabinet.

  2. Spud you are thinking Monostat. Compound W is for warts, but that dosen’t make it any better. 🙁

  3. My mother once mistook her underarm deoderant for her FDS (feminine deoderant spray–that stuff women used to spray on their crotches in the 1970s to avoid any unpleasant odors–ew.)

    Anyway, after she made that little mistake, she proceeded to do the most amazing dance. It was wild, interpretive, and amazingly vocal. She whooped, she hollared, she howled, she grabbed her crotch and bounced around the room like a hamster in a mosh pit. Her eyes bugged out of her head so much I could have sworn she was Barbara Bush.

    It was an astounding moment in modern dance, and it scarred me for life. Seriously! I have never, ever, mistaken my deoderant for my feminine deoderant spray. And why is that? Because I have decided that instead of wearing deoderant on my crotch, I am going to try washing myself. Not that I have anything against wild, tribal, interpretive dance performed spontaneously in the bathroom. It’s just that I lack sufficient rhythm to pull off that kind of a display.

    😕

  4. They all sound only mildly unpleasant. If you had used Preparation H or superglue in your anecdotal history, I would have been more impressed.

  5. All i can say is my litttle brother came home a little well….lit up per say……like a good kid brushed his teeth before bed….realizing in the process of brushing his teeth that he wasn’t using his normal minty toothpaste but using cortizone-10…..from the other end of the house i can hear screams sounding as if he was going through puberty again…..then i run down there and he’s rolling all over the floor laughing saying i think i healed the rashes on my tongue! Key of advice: do not smoke pot before brushing your teeth.

  6. My husband is fairly near sighted and too vain to wear his glasses. He has migraines from time to time and once made the mistake of getting my water pills, thinking he had his pain pills. They didn’t help his headache any but he wasn’t bloated either.

  7. Ben Gay bad. IcyHot worse. Like a jalapeno peppermint patty.
    New! Now with capsicum and more grease!

  8. [Comment ID #47344 will be quoted here]

    I have a similar story. I had just arrived in Thailand and one of my Thai friends gave me some powder to stop heat rash. The powder is called ‘Prickly Heat’ and it has a strong menthol base in order to soothe the hot skin. Unfortunately, you should never put it on you private. It burned like a mother all day and showering, as I found out, only made it worse. Luckily I lived alone at that time and could swear up a storm. The moral of the story is don’t put shit on your privates.

  9. Dad once used brylcreem instead of toohpaste, while it didnt help his breath I remember his teeth being slicked back and shiny for days. and Dave if you’ve developed genital warts on your tounge, I dont think brushing with compound w will help.

  10. my brother when he was around 8 thought my moms FDS —stood for foot deoderant spray and used the whole can in his tennis shoes–he had fresh feet for weeks : 😳

  11. My mother once mistook her underarm deoderant for her FDS (feminine deoderant spray–that stuff women used to spray on their crotches in the 1970s to avoid any unpleasant odors–ew.)

    Anyway, after she made that little mistake, she proceeded to do the most amazing dance. It was wild, interpretive, and amazingly vocal. She whooped, she hollared, she howled, she grabbed her crotch and bounced around the room like a hamster in a mosh pit. Her eyes bugged out of her head so much I could have sworn she was Barbara Bush.

    It was an astounding moment in modern dance, and it scarred me for life. Seriously! I have never, ever, mistaken my deoderant for my feminine deoderant spray. And why is that? Because I have decided that instead of wearing deoderant on my crotch, I am going to try washing myself. Not that I have anything against wild, tribal, interpretive dance performed spontaneously in the bathroom. It’s just that I lack sufficient rhythm to pull off that kind of a display.

    Thank You TM you brought a bit of sunshine to a bleak day 😀

  12. M mmmm mmm mmmmm
    (Translation: I used superglue once.)
    Just kidding.

    But, Dave, I feel your pain. Isn’t it ironic that generic muscle relaxer is the exact same size as a travel tube of toothpaste?
    Yeah… bad memories.

  13. [Comment ID #47360 will be quoted here]

    Glad you clarified that you meant getting my eyes lasered. I hadn’t heard of teeth lasering, but I decided you Europeans would be in the vanguard, if such a thing existed. 😛

  14. I once used aspercream. It tasted like crap but at least it got rid of my tooth ache! ….. Im sorry. Thats a lie. I’ve never done that. I just want to fit in.

  15. Oh, Dave, After using #1 on your list did you have a near uncontrolable urge to crap in the flower pot and then bury it?

  16. My mom’s high-priced cream rinse comes in a tube that looks identical to a toothpaste tube. My teeth weren’t any whiter but they were so soft and manageable!

  17. Tina Marie-Hysterical laughter at my desk requires explanations to my boss about why I’m laughing…(and why I’m Davezilla-ing instead of working) Please don’t make me have to go through that again!….
    & Oh yeah…. Tubes of Preparation H should NOT go in the Travel Kit the toothbrush & toothpaste are in…. Shudder…. Sorry, bad memories of my sister laughing hysterically while I furiously try to clean my mouth out while hung over on a road trip to Las Vegas….

  18. This is just a simple risk-management issue: To reduce your risk by 50%, get rid of the cats; to reduce it by 100%, get rid of your teeth.

  19. I’ve never done that, but there have been days I’ve stared at all of the bottles on my bathroom sink wondering which one is my toothbrush. And for some reason I *always* mix up my nail polish remover and my astringent, even though the bottles look nothing alike. :wtf:

  20. Ah, Hah, Sani-flush!
    Cleans your teeth without a brush!

    Mexicans swear by it. 😕 🙁

  21. Did you know that you can put Preperation H under your eyes to remove puffiness??? Really works.Just make sure that it is yours and it hasnt been used. Just thought you should know.

  22. Tina Marie thanks for the laugh and the flashback. I did something similar to your mother but it was victoria secret body spray and those nice vicky’s underwear. Note to self: always make sure fully covered before spraying alcohol based perfumes on skin :wtf:

  23. Tina Marie – ROFLMAO :mrgreen: Dave – either wear your glasses or put the toothbrush and toothpaste in the same place every time!! ❗

  24. [Comment ID #47429 will be quoted here]

    I must need glasses, It took me forever to read, “Bottle of rubbing alcohol for one of mouthwash.”

  25. Colbert’s speech was not only hilarious but it took a lot of balls to say those things in that room! He gets a 5 :wang: :wang: :wang: :wang: :wang: salute!

  26. [Comment ID #47344 will be quoted here]

    Very funny! I laughed so hard I had a coughing fit. (I’m home sick with a cold.)

  27. [Comment ID #47517 will be quoted here]

    I totaly agree… I personally would have preferred seeing Bush’s face throughout the entire thing though…He didn’t look all that happy on the few times you did see him. Basically Colbert got up there and said “Stupid, worthless, no good goddamn free loadin’ son of a bitch, retarded, big mouth, know it all asshole, jerk! Oh I almost forgot ugly, lazy, and disrespectful”

    I kept waiting for someone to interrupt with “Shut up Bitch!”, and actually started feeling sorry for Bush a little… I mean… it ain’t right to pick on the retarded kid for being… well, retarded.

  28. I am still laughing at Tina…. thanks for the laugh… my nephew once scrubbed his face at night with grandpa’s, prep-h butt cleaning pads… you can imagine the torture that poor boy went thru from his older sister, only confirming her nick name for him of ‘butt-face’…..puberty is hard enough on a boy… but damn, it will be years before he recovers from that experience since she told everyone at school, and emailed it to everyone else….and I keep imagining Daves cat sitting there with that ‘look’ cats can give….. refraining from hysterical laughter because cats are far too cool for that.. saying… idiot. 😈

  29. thats funny…i had some friends mistake vicks sauve for vasaline in the dark.. now they leave the lite on 😳

  30. Hold it! I could care less about the fact that you used some of that stuff i’m still trying to digest the term “CAT laxative”. What kind of person would even think of such a thing. I mean seriously dave have you ever had to give that to your cat and if you did how did you know it needed to poop? That would be somthing to read about!!!

  31. [Comment ID #47828 will be quoted here]

    Julieanne, Do you want me to go into the details of how I know why my cat “Angel” needs Laxatone or Laxa-Stat or Petromalt?

    Timm aka Timmmy

  32. well at least you have no warts on your mouth no cat shit in your ass and you are as healthy as a cat good job! 😆

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