Every year I list new holiday gift ideas, which are of course, veiled attempts to get you, dear reader, to buy me stuff my wife won’t buy for me. Today, the talking Red Foxx doll.
What if the agents on Criminal Minds were to profile characters from children’s nursery rhymes?
I mean, hey why not? Most classic children’s rhymes are gory and psychotic.
Hotch: “Gentlemen, I’ll be brief. The killer goes by the name, ‘Little Bunny Foo Foo’. Not much is known apart from this. We know he’s psychopathic. His anger is funneled toward the object of his rage; innocent field mice. His M.O. is to scoop them up and bop them on the head. This unsub has paranoid delusions about a “Good Fairy” visiting him, telling him to recant his ways, but his obsession drives him to kill again and again. While there is no geographic pattern to his killings, we can tell you this: he won’t stop killing until he is caught, killed or turned into a goon.”
Morgan: “The Hickory Dickory Dock case is unusual. You have a middle aged, white male mouse obsessed with time. He may be fearing his own mortality or is dealing with a repressed childhood trauma. He feels a compulsion to climb grandfather clocks in the hopes of quelling his obsession. Ironically, it is the clock itself, which he fears most. The sound of the chime triggers something deep within him. When he hears the chime, he flees the crime scene, but his compulsion always brings him back to it, later to relive the incident. From his pattern, it’s clear that this killer will strike again on the hour. We have 32 minutes left.”
Rossi: “I’ve written extensively about the Jack and Jill murders. As you all know, the killer was never caught. What we do know is this. Two innocent children were fetching water from a well when the killer attacked them, killing Jack with a sharp blow to the back of the head, splitting his cranium. Jill was killed shortly after being forced to witness her brother’s murder. The bodies were carelessly discarded at the bottom of a hill. It appears they were thrown off the edge for us to find. Throwing the bodies shows a lack of respect for the victims, and by leaving the bodies out in the open, the unsub is telling us, “Hey. I want to be caught.” He’s essentially taunting the police, letting us know he’s smarter than we are. I got news for that sicko.”
Reid: “The Alouette Murders are particularly troubling. Killers who begin by maiming animals generally evolve to mutilating and killing humans. Here we have an unsub who is disfiguring birds. His M.O. has evolved over time with his desires. His first killings involved the severing of the head. That evolved into a mutilation of the head wherein the beak and eyes were surgically removed from the severed head. His later victims also had their wings destroyed, indicating a fear of flight, or perhaps a fear of heights. By clipping off the wings, he is, by proxy, preventing his victims from reaching their potential. This unsub is likely French Canadian, or American with French parents, as evidenced by referring to the birds as “alouettes” instead of “gentle little birds”.
I make resolutions with the bar set really low, so I can attain them.
- I resolve never to purchase a Perfect Polly™ this year. Or any year.
- I resolve not to eat my fellow travelers if we’re stranded in the Arctic.
- Expanding on that last one, I resolve not to go anywhere I could possibly fall into a canyon (alone) and be forced to saw off my own hand.
- I resolve not to defect to a Communist nation.
- I resolve not to use my spit to hold my daughter’s hair in place.
- I resolve not to punch a Great White Shark in the face.
- But I do resolve to throat-punch anyone who plays What Does Fox The Say in my vicinity.
- I resolve not to learn Hungarian this year.
- I resolve not to vote for Rob Ford.