An open letter to the people of Great Britain

Dear Brits,

It’s been a while since we’ve spoken. You’ve been busy pontificating that your music is still relevant and we’ve been busy getting our ass kicked in a war we didn’t vote for. I thought it might be time to clear up some things.

Perhaps it’s in poor taste to tell others you’re Great Britain. This is much like calling yourself Super Sweden or Mexico Rawks! You see? Doesn’t quite work. Try a more modest slogan. “Britain. ‘Nuff said.”

You may have noticed we’ve been doing some editing to your language. There’s no need to be embarrassed by your spelling inconsistencies and irregular grammatical rules. After all, rough drafts always require a final edit. Relax. If you take me out of your programme, you will still have a program.

Cheers,
Your Misbehaved Cousin in the West,
Davezilla

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51 Replies to “An open letter to the people of Great Britain”

  1. ahh the brits…it reminds me of the hunt…like the smell of skunks:mrgreen:…as for what you said…your probably..NO! defenently right…what’s so great..anything they we have..or can get by all american force!

  2. right….

    the great britain thing? its not big headedness…. great meaning big as in england wales scotland and northern ireland…. the term probably came into place during the times of the british empire

    our music is far superior to yours =P

    just because most of our countries population have found other things to do than fight a pointless war,… doesn’t mean our guys aren’t out there too.. and doesnt mean we wanted a war either! so quit bitchin’

    and yeah the language thing… we hate it, they arent donuts theyr doughnuts, alluminium isnt pronounced alloominum hence the i before the u. you’re just all rather thick and lazy so never bothered…. and its arse not ass… unless u all have donkeys for butts

    and while were at it…. heres a few problems with the US … ur presidents an arsehole (then again our prime minister is almost as bad but hey we were smart enough to get a new one :P)…

    your spelling is awful, and most of your accents are incredibly annoying.. no wait.. all your accents are annoying

    your school systems fucked up as are many of your laws

    HAH! we can drink (legally) before you! 😈

  3. right….

    the great britain thing? its not big headedness…. great meaning big as in england wales scotland and northern ireland…. the term probably came into place during the times of the british empire

    our music is far superior to yours =P

    just because most of our countries population have found other things to do than fight a pointless war,… doesn’t mean our guys aren’t out there too.. and doesnt mean we wanted a war either! so quit bitchin’

    and yeah the language thing… we hate it, they arent donuts theyr doughnuts, alluminium isnt pronounced alloominum hence the i before the u. you’re just all rather thick and lazy so never bothered…. and its arse not ass… unless u all have donkeys for butts

    and while were at it…. heres a few problems with the US … ur presidents an arsehole (then again our prime minister is almost as bad but hey we were smart enough to get a new one :P)…

    your spelling is awful, and most of your accents are incredibly annoying.. no wait.. all your accents are annoying

    your school systems fucked up as are many of your laws

    HAH! we can drink (legally) before you! 😈

  4. Well, we say “Great Britain”, but what we really mean is England. Scotland (where I’m from) has had a separate legal system, culture and currency for hundreds of years. Hey, why don’t I just come out and say it – we’re just better. It’s like that whole Canadian vs US thing, we all know Canada is much nicer but it’s handier to lump yous all in “Northern America”. Hope you don’t mind 😉

  5. Here’s a few reasons why Britain is great: You can have sex at 16, you can drink at 18, healthcare is free, I have a carton of milk in my fridge that’s older than your country. You’re just a bunch of young upstarts that are worried about China taking your crown as ‘world’s most awesome country’. But you invented fast food and for that I’ll always love you! 😆

  6. Oh I am so disappointed! I expected far more hate mail than this by now. 😈 I notice all of my brothers in Canada and Australia are keeping hush on this. Sorry Britain, but as nice as they are to you in public, we are the first ones they will bitch to about you. Granted, they will bitch about us, too.
    [Comment ID #186203 will be quoted here]
    We can have sex far younger than 16. It’s our teachers who are prevented from having sex with under 16 year-olds. (Your mileage may vary. Age restrictions do not apply in the states of Alabama, Mississippi and Kentucky)

    We can drink at 19. We simply drive across the border to Canada or Mexico. 😛

    Healthcare is free. You got me there. We don’t seem to have that (yet). However, we do seem to have mastered dental care far earlier and better than Britain the rest of the world (save Canada).

    All our accents are annoying? At least none of ours require subtitling within our own nation. I’ve seen you do it to Scots, Northern England, Irish. 😈

  7. All right is every body just going to play mean today? I mean damn…but “Great” Britain is like that second cousin that nobody likes to talk to but we love making fun of behind their back…hell I have even heard people FROM there do.You do have us on the health thing,and it’s about time we caught up on that one. And the ONLY country over there worth a damn is Scotland anyway and they could all beat the hell out of England anyway, so you guys that are being all snooty just need to SHUT UP!!!!! Have a nice day 😈

  8. And by the way I just fell in love with Sarah Silverman…I think that Paris needs to be thrown into the worst jail that we can find and let her know what the REAL “simple life” is like…. and if we can’t find one here we can always send her to “Great” Britain.

  9. Ah, Great Britain; the land of upturned noses, bad teeth, and unused bathtubs.

    How can you tell when a Brit is horny? By the stiff upper lip. 8)

  10. “Free” healthcare? So all the Dr.s, nurses, etc. work for free? That’s GREAT! No one has to pay. All the Muslim clerics love it over there too. They’re so tolerant of all people.

    Paris Hilton sucks :wtf: OOPS!

  11. The new London Olympics logo is just plain wrong. When someone has to stand there and explain the damned thing, (okay, look carefully, there’s jagged 2012 numbers with london in lower case, etc. etc.)then the logo is not doing it’s job.

    All I can see when I look at it is Lisa Simpson giving head.

  12. Perhaps ‘Great’ Britain is a bit of an over statement but to be fair Dave, after the last two elections and the war in Iraq do you really think it’s fair to call yourselves the ‘United’ States?

    It would probably be wiser just to leave the adjectives out altogether when naming a new nation.

  13. The first thing that popped into my head about the new Olympic logo was the Flintstones.

    They should go with Entrant #5, the second image on the page – The 2012 Goatse Olympics! :wtf:

  14. The children! Won’t somebody think about the children? No seriously, what the hell? Aye won’t ya join me for a spot of tea? yuck? Makes drinkin’ sound sooooo “bleeding boring” (is that right? bleeding or is bleedin?) whatever and were the messed up folks? Not even! What’s up with a Prime Minister? Here in the states we have a Prime alright “Prime Rib”!! And yer beer is Blah :puke:!! So go ahead and start young it’s the only way ya’ll can get used to it! Also Free Health care We don’t have all across the U.S. but in Alaska they do, they take it out of the gas prices, so everyone gets paid. Don’t hate the player hate the game.

  15. “I notice all of my brothers in Canada and Australia are keeping hush on this.”

    -i am fucking petrified that they might get the governer general to dissolve parliament if i say the wrong thing! then they’ll send the old skin bag over here in a mauve hat or her retard git of a son – big ears, the herman munster/kid from deliverance, water-colouring, dick-biter to criticize our architecture and admonish us for eating corgi burgers and behaving like restless savages. then their prim(e) mini-star will promise bush another free bum-fuck and you guys will bomb us here in canukistan. no way dave. i’m not saying anything.

  16. Oh forgot about the sex at 16, big deal! under 18 go for it. Over 18 don’t go under 18 or ya’ll get 30!

  17. [Comment ID #186249 will be quoted here]

    Did ya see the picture yesterday?? No wonder Canada isn’t saying anything!

  18. great Britain? who’s kidding who? Have you ever seen a soccer fan/reminds me of a hillbilly.Maybe we are the same

  19. [Comment ID #186198 will be quoted here]

    The great thinkers of the age determined long ago, that when they took a dump, it was probably better (easier to creep up on hunted animals, less itching) if they wiped there butts. Sometime later other great minds considered whether the earth rotated around the sun, and locked up Galileo. The order that concepts come in don’t really reflect relative worth. We still get hunters today, that learn and re-learn, that ‘wiping’ is not the same as ‘wiping with poison ivy leaves’.

    I still recall the shock I felt, reading about the history of Ireland. That not only was Ireland the last bastion of learning, preserving the knowledge of Western civilization though the Middle Ages, but that the ‘Golden Age’ of Ireland was the period of the High Arl (sp?), the chief of kings of Ireland. The kings that had their seat of power at Tara (Remember the plantation, in Gone With The Wind? Tara?), the largest wooden hall in Europe, from 400 BC to 800 AD, when it rotted to the ground. That ‘The Harp That Once’ (great beginning recorder tune!) was written to stir up (rabble rouse) ‘patriotic’ (?) feeling, to incite rebellion in Ireland, about 1849 (1000 years after Tara ended). Nice poetry, but shaky history. And I love that ‘pull a thorn from your foot while at a full run’ test for the fancy guard. I bet that got the guys a few beers!

    And that Great British Empire thing. Look what Siam got the world, buddies for Clinton. Look how India (remember Disney’s Jungle Book? Just toss the kid into the jungle, why not ..) is now engaged in extending their influence in America. Just look at Mahindra tractors (Our old International Harvester, before they went tets up) and phone service centers.

    Maybe I am being unfair. I do love ‘Amazing Grace’ and ‘Scotland the Brave'(reconstructed bag pipe music, the bag pipes must be an acquired taste) and the Scottish wedding in ‘So I Married an Axe Murderer ..’ And Tolkein, at least before the movies. And Horton’s ‘Sink the Bismark’. Neat song, properly centered about wartime tactics, so there are no lingering cultural ill feelings. Though I never heard it hummed on the street when I visited Bremerhaven. Strange, that.

    So, OK, I guess better luck next time around.

  20. [Comment ID #186196 will be quoted here]

    That’s okay…….it has to do with drinking…….and since today is my birthday……I will have to drink to your double post………..one double of Crown coming right up…………

    😈

  21. [Comment ID #186291 will be quoted here]

    AWESOME!!

    and i dont think ive ever seen an english show with subtitling here

    granted sometimes we have them up wen we cant hear the telly well… for instance wen my nanas round and wants to watch her damn soaps (the one downside to england)but thts just coz no one else wants to watch them so we talk over it ^.^

    and maybe some of the accents here arent legible…. but they dont get on ur nerves

  22. We have accents here all across the U.S. ya got the yankee (from north like myself), redneck southern states (where I myself am at), East coast, West coast, Blonde, Brunnette, Redhead, I could probally go on for a while. If you are not used to the accents they can get on your nerves. 😛

  23. I live in a city, in a state, in a country, on a continent surrounded by an ocean. I am only bugged and annoyed by the peole who try to climb all up in my shit………Oh yeah, and I must say, I am slightly peeved at the idiots who want to eradicate my existance simply because I am African, Catholic, American, Buddist, Protestant, German, British, Indian, Hindu, Scottish, Jewish, Polish, Greek…….. Other than that, to each his own and be happy that you’re breathing!

    P.S. Davezilla, good work-keep up the cool job 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆

  24. You people don’t get your knickers in a twist just
    because Ure inferior to the Brits. 🙄 😈 :wtf:

  25. You can’t even make up news like this story reported on CTV news (Canadian site)

    “New London Olympic logo triggers epilepsy scare

    An animation featuring London’s 2012 Olympics logo was removed from the official website on Tuesday after concerns were expressed it could trigger epileptic seizures.

    Ten people complained and some had suffered seizures after watching images depicting a diver plunging into a pool, according to British health charity Epilepsy Action. ”

    The article goes on to say “The graffiti-like logo, made up of four jagged pieces that form the numbers 2012 in a variety of colours, was unveiled Monday. Within hours, an online petition went up, asking for a new design.”

  26. I notice all of my brothers in Canada and Australia are keeping hush on this. Sorry Britain, but as nice as they are to you in public, we are the first ones they will bitch to about you. Granted, they will bitch about us, too.
    Look a bit of pommie bashing does everybody good once in awhile, it’s good for the soul, and I mean really, Britain, America, Canada & Australia what leading lights to the rest of the world in correct grammar.

    Eg.
    Australian saying hello – “gidday mate how’s it going orright?”

    Pommie bastard – “ullo ullo ewe orrible little man”

    Uhmericun – “yo mamma…”

    Canukistanian – “ooh hi ya know, eh?”

    So in conclusion Dave, go for it, bash the hell out of them 😆

  27. Weeeeelll lets see

    Prime minister-President, thier both RICH FUCKERS thanks to thier [loyal subjects-fellow Americans].
    Free health care…I dont believe there is any such thing your paying for it in one way or another.

    The things I would like to thank Britain for-
    Monty Python-Benny Hill-Marty Feldman and in my best Homer simpson-Auuustin Pooowers heh heh heh.

    The sex age thing-16 yah thats why babys are having babys and ya know thats what we need here in the U.S. more little boys and girls living on welfare to feed,clothe and house themselves and thier babys.

    WELFARE-that would be the TAX DOLLARS the rest of us working stiffs who have the self respect and desire to earn a living for ourselves are told we have to pay by the rich basterds who make the laws and pay only a fraction of what we pay if any. Hmmm I guess thats a sore spot with me.

    The drinking age-who ya kiddin I had my first beer at age 12 my first drunk at 14 [legal] is only a factor if the law catches you and I’m sure that true any place that has age laws.

    Lisa Simpson giving head-she may be a cartoon but shes still only 8 years old ya perv 🙄

    Inferior to the brits-see thats why countrys go to war with each other one thinks thier better than the other,

  28. Weeeeelll lets see

    Prime minister-President, thier both RICH FUCKERS thanks to thier [loyal subjects-fellow Americans].
    Free health care…I dont believe there is any such thing your paying for it in one way or another.

    The things I would like to thank Britain for-
    Monty Python-Benny Hill-Marty Feldman and in my best Homer simpson-Auuustin Pooowers heh heh heh.

    The sex age thing-16 yah thats why babys are having babys and ya know thats what we need here in the U.S. more little boys and girls living on welfare to feed,clothe and house themselves and thier babys.

    WELFARE-that would be the TAX DOLLARS the rest of us working stiffs who have the self respect and desire to earn a living for ourselves are told we have to pay by the rich basterds who make the laws and pay only a fraction of what we pay if any. Hmmm I guess thats a sore spot with me.

    The drinking age-who ya kiddin I had my first beer at age 12 my first drunk at 14 [legal] is only a factor if the law catches you and I’m sure that true any place that has age laws.

    Lisa Simpson giving head-she may be a cartoon but shes still only 8 years old ya perv 🙄

    Inferior to the brits-see thats why countrys go to war with each other one thinks thier better than the other,

  29. Uhmericun – “yo mamma…”
    Canukistanian – “ooh hi ya know, eh?”

    Actually those should be:
    Uhmericun – “s’up bitch?”
    Canukistanian – “s’up bitch, eh?”

  30. OK dont know why it posted I was’nt finished

    One thinks thier better than the other-ACCEPT IT RESPECT IT GET OVER IT!

    WOW Dave todays post really stuck a nerve or two for me.

    By the way I’m a Scottish-Irish-German-American-Redneck.

    Thanks for lettin me vent yall. 😀

  31. Canadian: “Don’t lean on my car, eh?”

    New Youk: “EH, don’t lean on my car!”

  32. omfg. i knew should have kept hushed yesterday. princess anne is already here in toronto making a big fuss about the amount of gas being emitted by cow-farting. we’re screwed now. sorry canada.

  33. Dear Brits,

    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx your xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx ass xxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx is xxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Super xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    Cheers,
    Your xxxxxxxxxxxCousin xxxxxxxxxxxx
    Davezilla

  34. [Comment ID #186161 will be quoted here]

    the herb i had over there was really weak.but afro-brit chicks with the accent
    :wang: its a wash

  35. Hey, leave Great Britain alone! What have they ever done to us? I meqan really, this is the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen. It’s rude and obnoxious. We’re American, so we rule. PLEASE!!! For goodness sake, when did living on our side of the world make us better!? I say Americans are absolute idiots if they refuse to accept the cultures of other nations. Being American does NOT make us any better, and it appears that way too many people seem to think that it does. I’m American, but I’m not terribly fond of it. We have an idiot President, and our schools stink. Is there no one out there who realizes that we’re all people, regardless of where we were born?! Shut up my fellow Americans, and get your heads out of that void in your rear end!

  36. [Comment ID #186676 will be quoted here]

    I dunno Dave … After all, she did say “We’re American, so we rule.” You can’t really take her seriously after a statement like that, can you?

  37. [Comment ID #186248 will be quoted here]

    Yeah but our beer sucks too…. if it’s true beer you want then you must go to Germany to get it. sex at 16? please, i know of people who had sex at like 10. what coutry you are in doesnt dictate what age you have sex.

    The war may seem pointless, but remember most of your perspectives come from sitting at home watching the fucking news while you drink crappy beer and eat left-overs from last month. Just because the news is all “another soldier died today” doesnt mean were “getting our asses kicked” it means that media (in all countries) feeds off of other peoples misery because it makes their audience (aka you douchebags) happy to think that 1. your right, and 2. someone else is worse off then you because you have no life and spend all your time at a computer trying to find porn or tracking whether or not paris hilton (who im sure none of you know) is going to jail or not.

  38. I kinda like the accent it’s the attitude I can’t stand and considering how our well educated society still manages to produce illiterate, uneducated, bums i can deal with the spelling inconsistencies and irregular grammatical rules.
    Give me a man that can do me right, keep a job, can at least get his point across with minimal effort, with a will to continue learning and be open minded and I don’t care what the accent, origin, color or flavor may be.
    *sigh* Yes, I dare to dream…
    There’s gotta be something more out there than a guy in a t-shirt ten sized too big that comes down to his knees and pants worn around the ankles who thinks “Hey Shorty, Wanna ride? -wink-wink-” (when he doesn’t even own a bycicle) 🙄 big cheesy grin showing black and brown teeth (the ones he has left) and chewing tobacco spittle on his chin (GROSS MAN! Wipe that shit off before you think of looking at me!) :puke: is a guarantee into every girls pants. :dead:
    *SIGH* I will continue to dream… 😉 😛

  39. For me as a Brit to comment on the typical Americans lack of understanding of irony and sarcasm would be very unsporting….I wouldn’t dream of it

  40. [Comment ID #188876 will be quoted here]

    And I thank you for using “typical Americans” and not all Americans. That speaks highly of you.

Comments are closed.