Manly Tip #3

Anything can be grilled if you really put your mind to it.

Grilling is a tough subject for today’s bachelor. It smacks of domesticity and marriage. Simply remember this Manly Rule of Thumb:

Never grill for less than five individuals.

Five is a party in anyone’s book and it’s worth the effort to make that much of a mess. Not convinced? Read em and weep:

• Grilling for two: She will immediately think you want to settle down. Before you can blink, she will toss out your Bettie Page table cloth in favor of something with checks and herbs printed on it and begin picking out her china pattern.
• Grilling for three: Face it. No one thinks ménage a trois after a barbecue. Stop dreaming.
• Grilling for four: Nothing says double-date like four people eating together. Double-dating is for sixteen year-olds learning to drive.
• Grilling for five+: BINGO. Griller’s delight.

What to grill? What will impress that petite fleur you’ve got your sights on? Good news men. She will be so thrilled by your uncharacteristic attempt at doing something for her, that she will let you grill milk for dinner. Anything leftover can and should be served à la broche.

Allow me to offer some time-tested recipes. Remember, you can dip a portabello mushroom in salad dressing, pop it on a grill and women will call it haute cuisine. Suckers.

Call it this:	What it really is:	Why she’ll eat it:
Dijon Débâcle (Mustard Fiasco)	Clumps of Dijon mustard rolled in parsley and grilled.	Women eat anything with Dijon in the title.
Méchant Mélange (Spiteful Mixture)	A block of leftover cheese, lightly dusted with paprika and black pepper, or whatever you can find that sprinkles out of a jar.	Alliteration in recipe titles makes women all hot and bothered. No really.
Japanese Grilled Noodles (Ramen)	A leftover pack of cheap Ramen. Wet it down and grill it. Serve with chopsticks for added culinary confusion. Add a leftover onion or carrot top for realism.	Japanese cuisine is considered expensive and difficult to master. She will be doubly impressed by your obvious worldliness.
Poisson Macabre (Dead Fish)	Frozen fish sticks. Scrape off the perma-frost layer, dunk them in beer and grill 'em up. Bon Appétit!	Quite possibly edible.
Pasta Carbon (Velveeta Shells and Cheese)	That dusty box of Velveeta Shells and Cheese is about to transform you into an overnight gourmand. Melt the cheese slightly in the microwave and roll the pasta/cheese mess into pleasing shapes. Grill.	There is no evidence to suggest that she will eat this but what the Hell. You tried. She will appreciate the effort and rescue you from yourself by offering to cook.

A final note. If your date appears somewhat unimpressed with the meal, shrug your shoulders and whisper, “Chacun son gôut,” which roughly translates to, “Whatever.”