2007 New Years Resolutions

Longtime readers of this site will know that I always post my resolutions and that I try to only make resolutions I know I can keep. Such as not reverting to cannibalism. I’d love to hear yours.

  1. I resolve to freely give the finger to clowns, mimes and Hummer drivers
  2. I resolve to openly point out those who still wear miniskirts with Uggs or prison pants
  3. I resolve that I will never hunt down and/or kill a coworker
  4. I resolve to never appear on an episode of COPS
  5. I resolve to have ten fingers all year
  6. I resolve to have clothes on my back—and my front
  7. I resolve never to do pushups with my eyes
  8. I resolve to make it to May 13th and wear lots of black afterward
  9. I resolve to gnaw through the leather straps each morning with a smile on my face
  10. What did you resolve to do?
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46 Replies to “2007 New Years Resolutions”

  1. Someone noted yesterday that if you keep them simple then you won’t be disappointed.

    I resolve to brush my teeth every day before I go to bed.
    I resolve to have the Recycling bin on the curb by 7am every week.

  2. Ummm, Dave… when you give the finger to a Hummer driver, aren’t you — at that moment — really just a mime of sorts? Sorry for being a clown about this, but…

    I resolve to never dissolve, evolve, revolve and, after this, resolve.

  3. I hereby resolve to;

    1. consume the souls of my enemies
    2. eat more vegetables
    3. renege on my pact with the devil
    4. appear on THREE episodes of COPS, most particularly the episodes where they show crazy naked people running down the street
    5. singlehandedly destroy Sony
    6. eventually get around to stop treating myself like a perverted Funhouse
    7. get caught looking at hot women and raise an eyebrow as if to say ‘Well?’
    8. Figure out how to flash my Xbox 360 without turning it into a brick’
    9. Bring about the end of so-called Reality TV. I mean, really, what’s so wrong with canned laughter
    10. Begin a long journey to kill George LUcas for absolutely demolishing the Star Wars franchise in every way, shape, and form. Seriously.

    oh, i suppose i could go on and on

  4. I am pretty resolved to:
    1. not have my rectum violated…. in any fashion….ever again……
    2. not have dirty toughts involving adognamedgromit and a sheep dog.
    3. wondering if Dave is really a reptile and has to lay in the sun all day to stay warm.
    4. not become a priest ( even if catholic priests get more ass then I do)
    5. Stay alive for 1 more year

  5. I want to lighten up my spare time for 2007 as well so I promise to stop doing all my favourite things and work on managing my off time more efficiently…

    I pormise to stop immediately:
    – scaling walls and crushing ice with my hands
    – translating ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees
    – writing award-winning operas
    – treading water for three days in a row while reading
    – cooking Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes.
    – last year using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. That was exhausting
    – I was scouted by Survivor Canada and now will pass. It would be like taking 1 mill from Daniel Negraneau
    – I am the subject of numerous documentaries but feel I want to change what I stand for
    – When I was bored, I built this large suspension bridges in my backyard. I might take that down this year.
    – I tried urban hang gliding. Was just ok…
    – although I am a private citizen, I will stop responding to my fan mail.
    – I learned the exact location of every food item in the supermarket while performing several covert operations for the CIA only canadian whatever.
    I vacationed in Australia and successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. and oh yah on weekends, to let off steam, I participated in full-contact origami.

    This year I may still keep my Wednesdays, after work open for repairing electrical appliances free of charge, hurling tennis rackets at small moving objects to improve my deadly accuracy and Id really like to see if I can read Paradise Lost, Moby**** and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room set that evening.

    ok this is not my list but I might try spending as much time playing online games!
    Anyone for euchre?

  6. 1. Take more pictures
    2. Lose 20 lbs by May 22nd
    3. Spend more time with my granddaughter
    4. Always remember “Anything worth doing is worth over-doing”

  7. [Comment ID #82728 will be quoted here]

    Ha! No, not a bet. I became a priest of Lucumi in May of 2006. For the first year, novice priests have to wear all white, every day. It’s a pain and you get laughed at and teased, but it builds charcter (or at least a thick skin). :mrgreen:

  8. With Utter Resolve in my Heart, I will
    eat everything on my plate, and that of my neighbours, so that starving children in Asia can be reassured that there isn’t any for them
    try to remember that news stories are much more than just a headline and a pretty picture
    turn off my telephone while having sex so my other girlfriend doesn’t call to make a date
    DENY DENY DENY to ever having someone else in my bed previously that day.
    write at least another chapter in my as-yet unfinished autobiography — and something that has nothing whatsoever to do with sex or self-gratification
    pay back the $100 bucks I borrowed from Ken three years ago, if I can remember
    buy the remastered version of STAR TREK (the original series) on DVD :geek:

  9. I resolve to love more, judge less, recycle more (easier now that our city has expanded the recycling program), eat less high-fructose corn syrup/sugar, eat more veggies, cook more curry, pet the kitty more, yell less.

    And make JavaJunki even happier that he married me. 😛

  10. “Do you see me in black & white acting all French and shit? No. Case closed. ”

    Well, the wearing of white for a year counts for something, plus, when it’s over, you’ll be wearing black, parlay vou a humma humma?
    _______________________________________________________________

    I resolve not to make resolutions.

    :geek:

  11. I resolve to have my divorce finalized by 2008 , if all of mankind is not wiped from the planet by then . One can only hope .

  12. Cronewynd, “pet the kitty more,” .. I guess you mean your house cat?

    And Dave, on that #7, “I resolve never to do pushups with my eyes”, did you mean no pushups at all, or “I resolve never to do pushups with my eyes *closed*”? I wondered if that was a typo, since it seems a bit extreme to pledge to not do any pushups in a whole year! Why that would be like me resolving not to do an Uttan-Asana, or a Trikasana.

    I resolve to feed the barn cats more-or-less daily.
    I resolve to cut the grass around the house *no more* than once a month. Besides, I can put some up as hay again.

  13. I resolve to:

    ~ Stop working on the god damn house/shop/garage for at least 2 weekends every month.

    ~ Never, ever, no matter how old I get, or how feeble, or how mentally incontinent, move from this damn house/shop/garage.

    ~ Quit telling people about how much horror it is to be general contractor for your own home. Remember that people really don’t want to see a grown woman cry.

    ~ Ride more. Lots more.

    Happy 2007 y’all!

  14. stop 1night stands, gaining weight ( yeah, i got junk in da trunk), having enemies on my fault, pimping, screwing every freakin’ day, and get speeding tickets like skittiles or M&M’s.

  15. My resolution is the same as it has been for the the last 12 years (and so far, it hasn’t failed me.. why give up a good thing?):

    I resolve to not make any resolutions.

  16. I resolve to carry a 9 iron in my trunk and adjust peoples cars when they diplay utter stupidiy while driving or parking. Just kidding

  17. [Comment ID #82768 will be quoted here]
    If I don’t have it finalized by then ❓ , I may be the one to wipe out mankind! 😈 😳

  18. I resolve to stick to my budget and have enough money for a change, write the book I’ve been rolling around in my brain for the past 10 years, find a lot more time for my husband, and to get another Yorkie.

    Other than that, my plans for world domination pretty much keep me busy enough.

  19. Try to insult a few Republicans every day.
    To wear my overalls sans shirt and get on one of those local TV
    “man in the street ” segments.
    Lay 3 blocks in the Border Wall.
    Goose three women on escalators in JCPennys.
    Murder my neighbor’s fricking dogs.
    Happy new year, mothers! 😈 👿 😳 🙄 :wtf:

  20. ok skerry…my birthday (and Dennis Rodman and Stevie Wonder and Richie Valenz) is May 13…and I was born on Friday the 13th….so far this new year I’ve had my iPod stolen from my house and lost my stash box full of weed…what the hell is it about MAY 13?!?!?!?!?!?! 👿 👿

  21. I resolve to,,,never wish that my dumbarse boss never finds out about me banging his sister.. never get mad over the total idiots that run our company. and to be friendlier to those who are total useless. 😆 😛

  22. Main page poll update – Sea cucumber is even with Martini.
    If sea cucumber wins I will hurl.
    I urge you all with unused votes to vote martini.

    I would like to order a sign for my lawn
    “Stand for what you beleave in. Stand up for the martini”

  23. Weeeeellllllll, I usually don’t make resolutions, it depresses me when I break them….. but I suppose I can try…..
    I resolve…. nope nevermind, can’t do it!!!!!!! Sorry!!!!! 😛

  24. [Comment ID #82738 will be quoted here]

    While we’re on the subject again…

    Wearing white for a year, by itself, doesn’t seem that bad. Compared to other religions, where you have to shave your head, meditate in painful positions, forgo sex forever, limit your diet to a senseless list, get a dot burned on your forehead, burn meat on an altar, or solemnly swear to vote Republican for the rest of your life.

    Aren’t there any other zany catches to this Lucimi gig? Frankly they could raise the bar. Like in addition to wearing white, your beverages for the year may only be coffee, red wine, fruit punch and grape juice, and if you get a stain you have to get a new white outfit and start the whole year over again.

  25. [Comment ID #82842 will be quoted here]

    Are you sure you didn’t smoke the missing box of weed? Because it’s ummm January.. not even close to the thirtheen…

    Oh and check under your bed for the IPod – they like to hide there.

  26. I resolve to finally escape this hellhouse they call insane asylum and not get caught this time…

    I resolve to “chew through my straps and binds every morning with a smile on my face.”

    I resolve to stop looking at woman and making perverted comments when I’m in the company of my boyfriend or my own mother!

    I resolve to stop writing all these resolves because I know they won’t happen…well, maybe the first one…IDK. 😈 😈

  27. ~ stop drinking every freakin day.
    ~ stop smoking altogether.
    ~ lose another 20 pounds or so, in time for swimsuits
    ~ take more pictures of my children
    ~ at least FILE for divorce this year…
    ~ drink more water.
    ~ stop leaving scathes of clean clothes unfolded in the basket and/or chair for weeks on end. really. i’m serious. :dead: :undies:

  28. 1. Organize my shit. Just because my house has been under construction since 2002 is no reason to live like I was raised by wolves. Reduce, Reuse, Recycle, Regift. And get rid of those Santa Bears. Once the cats were finished with them, they’re not the “investment” they used to be.
    2. Organize my self. Be accountable and stop making stupid-ass excuses for stuff you don’t really want to do. If I want to do something, I need to do it. If I don’t, then I need to shut the hell up. I’m tired of listening to my internal bitching and nagging. I’m sounding more like my mom every year. And it’s frightening me.
    3. Reduce my debt. I don’t want to finance anymore anything. Banks and credit card companies aren’t there to “help” me. They’re there to bleed me dry. It’s legalized servitude and I’m tired of being their bitch.
    4. Finish my novel. It’s been six years. Who do I think I am? Capote? Write the damned ending, edit the crap out of it and ship it off to publishers. So I may get rejected. At least I won’t be a writer’s stereotype.

  29. I resolve to-
    -finally finish 8 grade or kill the princepal (which ever comes first)
    -find a way to kill eminem for being gay and messin with ICP
    -get more :wang:
    yup thats it i think

  30. ‘I’m going to smoke more, so there are less cigarettes for other people and they’re forced to quit. I’ll be helping everyone.’

    I wanna help!

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